I need advice on getting over the ex
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| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 2:56pm |
We met and were good friends for about a year...we eventually became really close and realized we wanted to try and be with each other. One problem--he lived in PA, I live in MI. We still managed to grow even closer...we talked every day, basically all day. He became my best friend. But for some reason I was scared and kept some important things about my life (I don't want to go into detail) hidden from him...I also always told him that I'd come visit but never got around to it--although he never came to see me either. After about 7 months of this, we started having problems. He got fed up with me refusing to come see him. He broke it off and I was devastated...especially since he met a new girl right away. Well, I did my best to get him back...I told him I'd come see him and we could talk about it, etc...he kept discouraging me, but at the same time, told me that he still cared about/loved me and that he was only with the new girl because "she was there and it was easier than trying to work things out with me."
It gets worse...he eventually found out what I had kept hidden from him all this time and flipped out. He then decided to share some very unappealing things about himself that HE had kept from me--he had been with numerous other girls (while we were supposedly together), etc. You would think that with all this lying, I would be able to get over it. But I can't...even despite all the bs/lying we both did, I still feel for him. I still want to be with him and I'm still jealous about this other girl.
For awhile, he was pretty upset with me...he flat out refused to talk. But then he started sending me random text messages/IM's every once in awhile...and we've talked a couple of times. He's told me that he's in love with this other girl...but still cares about me and misses me, etc. He said that he feels like I need to "redeem" myself to him because I lied. I've been trying to show him that I care and that I'm sorry...and it seems like he's always giving me false hope. I don't understand why he still contacts me--maybe he just doesn't want to be forgotten. I always think that maybe he wants to be friends, but then I just end up feeling disappointed.
Part of me knows that I shouldn't put up with this anymore...but another part of me feels so guilty about lying to him that I feel like I deserve it. I want to be his friend...I still see the good in him despite everything. For awhile I tried to pretend like I didn't care, and didn't respond to any of his attempts to contact me. But then I got tired of it...and gave in. I know I need a clean break...but I still feel as though letting go of him would be a mistake. I don't want to have anymore regrets. I know that if I let him out of my life now, it will be for good...and I don't know if I'm ready for that.
I'm only 19, so I know I'm young and foolish and will get over it eventually, blahblahblah...but HOW? When will I stop feeling like I need him in my life? When will I be strong enough to let go and ignore his messages/calls? I know there's no chance of us ever being together again...but I'd still like to be his friend--or is that impossible?
Thanks guys.

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1. Follow the rule of NO CONTACT. You'll need lots of time to **fully** get over him and the pain he's caused you. So at least for the next NINE MONTHS, absolutely no contact whether by phone, e-mail, snail mail, cell, IM, fax (you get the picture).
2. Grab a few 3 x 5 cards and write down the following:
A. HE'S A JERK WHO PLAYED WITH MY EMOTIONS: He told me that he still cared about/loved me and that he was only with the new girl because "she was there and it was easier than trying to work things out with me." He's told me that he's in love with this other girl...but still cares about me and misses me, etc.
B. HE CHEATED ON ME: He had been with numerous other girls (while we were supposedly together), etc.
C. HE'S ARROGANT AND MANIPULATIVE: He said that he feels like I need to "redeem" myself to him because I lied.
Review the above entries on your cards as often as necessary, times when you feel weak and want to call or contact him, etc.
BTW, The reason why he continues to call you is because he knows you care and he wants to keep you hooked on him so you'll still be there if the other girls don't pan out.
Now it's time for you to KICK THE HABIT.
Forget about him and move on.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!
All the best,
Heymum
Edited 9/14/2004 5:54 pm ET ET by heymum
I think your advice is really good. But of course it's easier said than done, right? I guess I'm just worried because I know that if I don't respond to him now, he'll eventually give up. I can't imagine never speaking to him again...but I know that if I let go, he will as well. The insecure part of me wants to make sure he doesn't forget me. Is that so wrong?
It isn't even that I want to be with him anymore...I know he's found somebody new, I know that he and I have no chance of being together again. I want to be his friend...and I don't even know why. I still see the good in him...I still have the memories of how happy he made me. He truly made me want to be a better person. I lived my life for him for so long...I think I was at my best when he was in it. I know he's arrogant and manipulative, etc...but do you think maybe I really do need to "redeem" myself? I did lie to him about some fairly important things...then again, so did he (by cheating, etc).
I've tried so hard to show him that I care and that I'm sorry for what I did. I've tried to explain several times what caused me to lie to him. But he won't let it go...sometimes I think that I've actually reached him, though--like when he sends me a nice txt or something. He told me that he sometimes feels as though I don't care enough...which is probably during the times when I don't respond to him.
Do you think it's worth it to keep trying to be his friend? Or is he just being completely unfair and taking advantage of me?
He may be somewhat insecure in a new relationship, so he tosses you a "crumb" every once in awhile.
Be fair to yourself. You deserve more, right? I believe that once a cheater, always a cheater.
Why do you want to be his friend? I know that love runs deep, but what is the final outcome for you? Hoping he'll call you "someday"?
What will the two of you discuss? The other person? How can you help? Do you want to "help" with the other or another relationship for him?
Please.....think about it.
Believe me, I have been there and done that. Which is perhaps why I sound so callous. I don't mean to be. I have found that being practical is better.
I know that any decision that you make will be the right for you.
Wishing you happiness.
Once again, thanks so much for your response. What you had to say really got to me :)
Best wishes to you as well.
The fact that you believe he won't seek out YOUR friendship and do his best to stay in open communication with you says a lot to me. Perhaps you desire to remain friends because you still have vivid and happy memories of how good things were in the beginning (isn't it always that way with guys we actually click with?), and you want to prove to him that you are a great girl who's deserving and worthy of his friendship.
But let's say he remained open to being friends with you. What would it cost you in return? More manipulation, heartbreak and crushing disappointment would be my guess (based upon how he's treated you so far). He's already told you about his involvement with other girls. Do you honestly want to hear more of THAT? And then listen to some sob story about how he still loves and cares for you even though he's seeing other women? Come on!
Again, you need to cut this joker off and move on. You've done enough to show and prove to him how sorry you are for your behavior and the things you did that hurt him. Doesn't sound to me like he's gone to such lengths to prove the same to you. Yet, he continues to push you to do more to prove your remorse rather than just accepting your apology and showing you his forgiveness. And this is a guy you still want to be friends with?
He's a user and a manipulator. Protect yourself and your heart. Let him go!
All the best,
Heymum
So I congratulate you and want you to know how BLESSED you are that you didn't move heaven and earth to be with him like I did with my ex-B so many years ago.
You are blessed that he showed his true colors after you refused to give him what he wanted because had you given up everything to be with him, the pain you're feeling now would've been far worse.
Hang in there, be strong and know in time it will all get better.
Learn whatever lessons you're supposed to learn from this so that you won't find yourself in similar circumstances in the future.
All the best,
Heymum
I highly doubt things would've been much different had you moved to be with him. He admitted to seeing other girls, which says to me that he didn't value you or your relationship. Please don't blame yourself for his behavior! That is something that he alone is responsible for.
It is because of his own warped value system that he cheated on you, not because you didn't do or give him what he wanted. Just because you lied to him doesn't mean that you deserve to be cheated on.
Forget the guilt.
Forgive yourself and move on.
Hang in there!
Heymum
Edited 9/15/2004 7:04 pm ET ET by heymum
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