I need advice on getting over the ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
I need advice on getting over the ex
21
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 2:56pm
Hi everyone. I'm new to this, so please bear with me. I was browsing through some articles and noticed this message board--I'd really appreciate getting some advice on how to get over my ex. Here's my story...

We met and were good friends for about a year...we eventually became really close and realized we wanted to try and be with each other. One problem--he lived in PA, I live in MI. We still managed to grow even closer...we talked every day, basically all day. He became my best friend. But for some reason I was scared and kept some important things about my life (I don't want to go into detail) hidden from him...I also always told him that I'd come visit but never got around to it--although he never came to see me either. After about 7 months of this, we started having problems. He got fed up with me refusing to come see him. He broke it off and I was devastated...especially since he met a new girl right away. Well, I did my best to get him back...I told him I'd come see him and we could talk about it, etc...he kept discouraging me, but at the same time, told me that he still cared about/loved me and that he was only with the new girl because "she was there and it was easier than trying to work things out with me."

It gets worse...he eventually found out what I had kept hidden from him all this time and flipped out. He then decided to share some very unappealing things about himself that HE had kept from me--he had been with numerous other girls (while we were supposedly together), etc. You would think that with all this lying, I would be able to get over it. But I can't...even despite all the bs/lying we both did, I still feel for him. I still want to be with him and I'm still jealous about this other girl.

For awhile, he was pretty upset with me...he flat out refused to talk. But then he started sending me random text messages/IM's every once in awhile...and we've talked a couple of times. He's told me that he's in love with this other girl...but still cares about me and misses me, etc. He said that he feels like I need to "redeem" myself to him because I lied. I've been trying to show him that I care and that I'm sorry...and it seems like he's always giving me false hope. I don't understand why he still contacts me--maybe he just doesn't want to be forgotten. I always think that maybe he wants to be friends, but then I just end up feeling disappointed.

Part of me knows that I shouldn't put up with this anymore...but another part of me feels so guilty about lying to him that I feel like I deserve it. I want to be his friend...I still see the good in him despite everything. For awhile I tried to pretend like I didn't care, and didn't respond to any of his attempts to contact me. But then I got tired of it...and gave in. I know I need a clean break...but I still feel as though letting go of him would be a mistake. I don't want to have anymore regrets. I know that if I let him out of my life now, it will be for good...and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I'm only 19, so I know I'm young and foolish and will get over it eventually, blahblahblah...but HOW? When will I stop feeling like I need him in my life? When will I be strong enough to let go and ignore his messages/calls? I know there's no chance of us ever being together again...but I'd still like to be his friend--or is that impossible?

Thanks guys.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 4:08pm
First off- It is hard to keep a man underwraps- or even a female for that matter- when there is a long distance relationship. Men and women need companionship not phone sex. You cant have a long distance relationship with out problems surfacing somewhere. It wasnt generally a lie if you keep information from somebody- when it becomes a lie is when you build up lies around it. When it gets to that point your whole relationship may be in trouble. I think you can still have him as a friend- and thats easier to do when he is longdistance- be patient- go out and enjoy being 19- many more relationships to come. hope I helped stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 5:50pm
Here are some practical tips for getting over your ex:

1. Follow the rule of NO CONTACT. You'll need lots of time to **fully** get over him and the pain he's caused you. So at least for the next NINE MONTHS, absolutely no contact whether by phone, e-mail, snail mail, cell, IM, fax (you get the picture).

2. Grab a few 3 x 5 cards and write down the following:

A. HE'S A JERK WHO PLAYED WITH MY EMOTIONS: He told me that he still cared about/loved me and that he was only with the new girl because "she was there and it was easier than trying to work things out with me." He's told me that he's in love with this other girl...but still cares about me and misses me, etc.

B. HE CHEATED ON ME: He had been with numerous other girls (while we were supposedly together), etc.

C. HE'S ARROGANT AND MANIPULATIVE: He said that he feels like I need to "redeem" myself to him because I lied.

Review the above entries on your cards as often as necessary, times when you feel weak and want to call or contact him, etc.

BTW, The reason why he continues to call you is because he knows you care and he wants to keep you hooked on him so you'll still be there if the other girls don't pan out.

Now it's time for you to KICK THE HABIT.

Forget about him and move on.

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

All the best,

Heymum








Edited 9/14/2004 5:54 pm ET ET by heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:18pm
Thanks for your response...

I think your advice is really good. But of course it's easier said than done, right? I guess I'm just worried because I know that if I don't respond to him now, he'll eventually give up. I can't imagine never speaking to him again...but I know that if I let go, he will as well. The insecure part of me wants to make sure he doesn't forget me. Is that so wrong?

It isn't even that I want to be with him anymore...I know he's found somebody new, I know that he and I have no chance of being together again. I want to be his friend...and I don't even know why. I still see the good in him...I still have the memories of how happy he made me. He truly made me want to be a better person. I lived my life for him for so long...I think I was at my best when he was in it. I know he's arrogant and manipulative, etc...but do you think maybe I really do need to "redeem" myself? I did lie to him about some fairly important things...then again, so did he (by cheating, etc).

I've tried so hard to show him that I care and that I'm sorry for what I did. I've tried to explain several times what caused me to lie to him. But he won't let it go...sometimes I think that I've actually reached him, though--like when he sends me a nice txt or something. He told me that he sometimes feels as though I don't care enough...which is probably during the times when I don't respond to him.

Do you think it's worth it to keep trying to be his friend? Or is he just being completely unfair and taking advantage of me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 10:33pm
Sounds to me like he is playing with your emotions.

He may be somewhat insecure in a new relationship, so he tosses you a "crumb" every once in awhile.

Be fair to yourself. You deserve more, right? I believe that once a cheater, always a cheater.

Why do you want to be his friend? I know that love runs deep, but what is the final outcome for you? Hoping he'll call you "someday"?

What will the two of you discuss? The other person? How can you help? Do you want to "help" with the other or another relationship for him?

Please.....think about it.

Believe me, I have been there and done that. Which is perhaps why I sound so callous. I don't mean to be. I have found that being practical is better.

I know that any decision that you make will be the right for you.

Wishing you happiness.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:04am
Wow, I really appreciate your input...I hadn't really ever thought of my situation that way before. You brought up a really good point--why would I want to be his friend? Neither of us have much respect for each other anymore...and I hate hearing about how wonderful his life is now, especially with his new girlfriend. I think he just enjoys rubbing it in my face. I don't know why it would matter to him if I care or not--it must be an issue of power? But I'll admit that I behave the same way...I still want him to care for me. And you're probably right about him just being insecure in his new relationship--he's a very insecure person, and was like that pretty much the whole time we dated. Of course, it makes me sick to think that he was getting comfort from other girls, but oh well...once a cheater, always a cheater right? A part of me feels sorry for this new girl...she doesn't know what she's gotten herself into.

Once again, thanks so much for your response. What you had to say really got to me :)

Best wishes to you as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:14am
Of course, letting go is easier said than done. But at this juncture, I think protecting yourself from any further pain and manipulation on the part of this joker is what's most important here. And I think that he'd only continue to use, mistreat and dog you out as long as you maintain any communication with him.

The fact that you believe he won't seek out YOUR friendship and do his best to stay in open communication with you says a lot to me. Perhaps you desire to remain friends because you still have vivid and happy memories of how good things were in the beginning (isn't it always that way with guys we actually click with?), and you want to prove to him that you are a great girl who's deserving and worthy of his friendship.

But let's say he remained open to being friends with you. What would it cost you in return? More manipulation, heartbreak and crushing disappointment would be my guess (based upon how he's treated you so far). He's already told you about his involvement with other girls. Do you honestly want to hear more of THAT? And then listen to some sob story about how he still loves and cares for you even though he's seeing other women? Come on!

Again, you need to cut this joker off and move on. You've done enough to show and prove to him how sorry you are for your behavior and the things you did that hurt him. Doesn't sound to me like he's gone to such lengths to prove the same to you. Yet, he continues to push you to do more to prove your remorse rather than just accepting your apology and showing you his forgiveness. And this is a guy you still want to be friends with?

He's a user and a manipulator. Protect yourself and your heart. Let him go!

All the best,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 12:44am
Thanks so much for your input again...what you have to say is really valuable. You bring up some really good points. Why do I want to be his friend? The truth is, I'm having trouble remembering half of the reasons now. I think I just needed to hear somebody else evaluate my situation--someone on the outside, who can be objective. I had put him on such a high pedestal...I truly believed he was the perfect guy for me--the distance between us probably had something to do with it. I never got to see him, so I never had to see what he was truly like. Well, I'm beginning to see it now...thanks to all of you guys :) I really appreciate the support and important points that you all bring up. Thanks so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 11:05am
I can see why you placed him on a high pedestal and thought he was the perfect guy for you. I went through a similar situation many years ago in my early 20's, only I fell for the old okee-doke, quit my job and left my family and friends to move clear across the country to be with him. I thought he was my soulmate and that I'd found the guy with whom I was to spend the rest of my life. Well as fate would have it, I got back there (from CA to VA) and within TWO MONTHS of my moving to be with him, it all fell apart and I was absolutely devastated (once the bloom was off the rose, he treated me like crap much like your guy). He was my first love and even though we went our separate ways immediately after the break-up, it took me an additional two full years to completely get over him (and stop thinking about him every day).

So I congratulate you and want you to know how BLESSED you are that you didn't move heaven and earth to be with him like I did with my ex-B so many years ago.

You are blessed that he showed his true colors after you refused to give him what he wanted because had you given up everything to be with him, the pain you're feeling now would've been far worse.

Hang in there, be strong and know in time it will all get better.

Learn whatever lessons you're supposed to learn from this so that you won't find yourself in similar circumstances in the future.

All the best,

Heymum


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 2:03pm
I'm so sorry to hear about your horrible situation...I can't imagine going through that. You're right--I am blessed that I didn't give up everything and move for him...I know that probably would have ended up being a foolish decision on my part. But part of me wonders if things could have been different...all he wanted was for me to be there with him. If I had moved, would he have become the person I wanted him to be? I still wonder if I could have handled things differently...I did break many promises to him, and I did lie...blah, I just don't know if I deserve this or not. I just feel so guilty...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 5:28pm
Thank you for your sweet sentiments. When I was going through the pain of it all, there were times I didn't think I would survive because it hurt so badly. Plus, I had the humiliation to deal with of returning home, basically feeling like a big loser. But a little less than three years later (during which time he got married), his physician-wife divorced him because she found out he was gay!!! (Sometimes the really good looking ones are!) So you see, there may be something far worse that the good Lord above may be sparing you from having to endure, just like He did for me.

I highly doubt things would've been much different had you moved to be with him. He admitted to seeing other girls, which says to me that he didn't value you or your relationship. Please don't blame yourself for his behavior! That is something that he alone is responsible for.

It is because of his own warped value system that he cheated on you, not because you didn't do or give him what he wanted. Just because you lied to him doesn't mean that you deserve to be cheated on.

Forget the guilt.

Forgive yourself and move on.

Hang in there!

Heymum






Edited 9/15/2004 7:04 pm ET ET by heymum

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