I need advice on getting over the ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
I need advice on getting over the ex
21
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 2:56pm
Hi everyone. I'm new to this, so please bear with me. I was browsing through some articles and noticed this message board--I'd really appreciate getting some advice on how to get over my ex. Here's my story...

We met and were good friends for about a year...we eventually became really close and realized we wanted to try and be with each other. One problem--he lived in PA, I live in MI. We still managed to grow even closer...we talked every day, basically all day. He became my best friend. But for some reason I was scared and kept some important things about my life (I don't want to go into detail) hidden from him...I also always told him that I'd come visit but never got around to it--although he never came to see me either. After about 7 months of this, we started having problems. He got fed up with me refusing to come see him. He broke it off and I was devastated...especially since he met a new girl right away. Well, I did my best to get him back...I told him I'd come see him and we could talk about it, etc...he kept discouraging me, but at the same time, told me that he still cared about/loved me and that he was only with the new girl because "she was there and it was easier than trying to work things out with me."

It gets worse...he eventually found out what I had kept hidden from him all this time and flipped out. He then decided to share some very unappealing things about himself that HE had kept from me--he had been with numerous other girls (while we were supposedly together), etc. You would think that with all this lying, I would be able to get over it. But I can't...even despite all the bs/lying we both did, I still feel for him. I still want to be with him and I'm still jealous about this other girl.

For awhile, he was pretty upset with me...he flat out refused to talk. But then he started sending me random text messages/IM's every once in awhile...and we've talked a couple of times. He's told me that he's in love with this other girl...but still cares about me and misses me, etc. He said that he feels like I need to "redeem" myself to him because I lied. I've been trying to show him that I care and that I'm sorry...and it seems like he's always giving me false hope. I don't understand why he still contacts me--maybe he just doesn't want to be forgotten. I always think that maybe he wants to be friends, but then I just end up feeling disappointed.

Part of me knows that I shouldn't put up with this anymore...but another part of me feels so guilty about lying to him that I feel like I deserve it. I want to be his friend...I still see the good in him despite everything. For awhile I tried to pretend like I didn't care, and didn't respond to any of his attempts to contact me. But then I got tired of it...and gave in. I know I need a clean break...but I still feel as though letting go of him would be a mistake. I don't want to have anymore regrets. I know that if I let him out of my life now, it will be for good...and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

I'm only 19, so I know I'm young and foolish and will get over it eventually, blahblahblah...but HOW? When will I stop feeling like I need him in my life? When will I be strong enough to let go and ignore his messages/calls? I know there's no chance of us ever being together again...but I'd still like to be his friend--or is that impossible?

Thanks guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 11:08pm
I have to admit, I laughed when I read that your ex turned gay--I bet finding that out made you feel a little better, in some strange way. Now I'm sorta hoping that my situation will turn out the way yours did, haha! :) Just kidding, I'm sure it won't.

I know you're right about him being responsible for his own behavior...and that he was wrong for cheating. I just had a weak moment earlier--there are times when I feel so guilty for lying and like I DO need to redeem myself in order to win back his friendship. But I'm starting to realize that he'd actually make a pretty lousy friend...

I've got good news and bad news--the good news: he hasn't contacted me in a few days. The bad news--he hasn't contacted me in a few days. :b I have mixed feelings about this...as much as I know that it's for the best and that his lack of interest in me & my life is only helping me move on, I still wish he would remember me. I want him to be the one wondering how/what I'm doing, if I miss him at all, etc. It's sad...but I want him to suffer like I do. What is it about human nature that makes us want to be remembered?

Oh, I remembered something today that made me sick...yet happy/relieved that I no longer have him in my life like I used to. Over Christmas break last year, we got into a big fight and I ended things (I should have done it for good back then, huh?). He convinced me to come back, and of course I did...but not before talking to one of his ex-girlfriends. She told me that he had called her during the TWO days we broke up and told her that he still loved her. She also told me that I didn't know what I had gotten myself into and that he was only going to hurt me. Being young and foolish, and easily manipulated by him, I decided that she was lying and just wanted me to stay away from him so she could have him back. He (of course) denied everything she told me...I even ended up feeling sorry that he had "psycho ex-girlfriends!" How I wish I had trusted her then...

So yeah, that was my bad memory for the day. But I've been trying to keep busy...I recently joined a new organization at school, a club that promotes cancer awareness...and I've been meeting new people, etc. I'm having dinner with some of my closest friends tomorrow, and have some fun plans for this weekend. Hopefully I can keep my mind off him...since he doesn't deserve it. I did end up making a list of his bad qualities and everything he's ever done to hurt me. I've been reading it over & over...it helps me forget any good that I once saw in him.

So thanks for all your kind words, encouragement, and advice. It means more than you could possibly imagine. I should have discovered this board a long time ago!!

Best of luck to you...we'll get through this, I know we will :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 12:41am
I figured my revelation about my ex being found out to be gay would make you laugh!

On a more serious note, while I'm sorry the painful memory for you resurfaced today, I'm glad that you realize it only further validates why you're better off without him. I've made it a personal policy for many years now that when I end a relationship (or the guy ends it) I don't go back.

Two months ago, I came very close to reconciling with my (most recent) ex-B just a day after I initially broke up with him, but he said "no" and girl, am I ever GLAD he did! What he didn't count on was my being so totally through with him that we wouldn't even be friends. I think he thought that he'd be able to play the field but still reel me back in so that he could drop me like a hot potato on HIS terms.

However, since our break-up, he's spoken with my dad -- passing along messages to me through him in the hopes that we could go back to being friends! I think not! If I didn't want to keep him as my B, then why in the hell would I want him as my friend?

Anyway, it was my pleasure to encourage and help you sort things out. I'm sure in due time you'll be just fine. Just make sure you pay very close attention to all the lessons you can learn from this. And remember, when a guy "flips the script" and goes from treating you like a queen to just the "chambermaid", that's the time to let him go. Even if you were to stick around in the hopes that the good times would return, who wants to go back and forth and be treated like a yo-yo?

Life is just way too short!

Take good care of yourself and continue to be strong.

All the very best to you,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:22am
Ahh...so I went out for awhile last night and left my computer on, with my aol screenname signed on as well. I put up an away message that just said 'out for awhile.' Well, I checked it this morning...and guess who had left a message? :b Yup, the ex.

All it said was 'hope you're having fun kid'...yet for some reason it's still getting to me. Maybe I'm just glad that he was thinking of me, but I know that the only reason he's contacting me at all is to make sure that I don't forget him. Deep down though, a little part of me still hopes it's because he's actually trying to be nice, to be my friend. :( BLAH.

Why does he do this?! I think he only tries to contact me when he knows I'm out, or busy...that way he doesn't actually have to talk to me, and he knows I (usually) respond eventually...and by that time, he's lost interest and ends up making me feel like crap by ignoring me, leaving him with the power (again). It's such a game...so why do I keep playing it?

I haven't responded to him yet, but of course it's only been an hour or so. Haha, I must sound pathetic huh? A huge part of me wants to talk to him sooooooo badly...I really want closure. But we've tried talking before and it hasn't ended well both times. He just brags to me about his new, wonderful life and his new, wonderful girlfriend. I try to be happy for him, I honestly do...because I feel as though since I do truly care about him, I should be glad he's doing well and that he's so happy. But I'm not a saint...nobody's perfect. Part of me hopes his life starts going downhill. Of course, then I'd feel bad and probably just worry about him all the time. I feel like it's a lose-lose situation here. He's actually said something a couple times about wanting to come see me. I doubt he means it, and I'm sure he'll never follow through on it...but part of me wishes he would. I think seeing him in person could help--or hurt--a lot. I don't know...maybe we'd actually be able to talk, really talk, in person. But I'm sure I'll never get that opportunity...it's just another way of him trying to give me false hope.

I know he's a jerk...and I've been trying to convince myself of that. But I feel like my two options suck--either I let go completely and lose him from my life forever...or I hold on and let him treat me badly. For some reason, letting go just doesn't appeal to me yet...I'm not that strong I guess. I STILL feel like I need him, that letting go would be a mistake on my part...and I'd miss him. I have this hope that he'll change, that he'll turn back into the person I thought I knew (and loved). Then again, he's been making me miss him for the past 4 months...and maybe he never truly was that person.

I'm impressed with your ability to be so strong when it comes to dealing with your ex. I hope I can learn from that...that's ironic he wants to be your 'friend' so badly. He must have realized what a great girl he lost, huh? :) I wonder if my ex will ever realize that about me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:28pm
Okay, call me cynical, but I honestly think he sent you that message in an effort to get under your skin and stay on your mind a little more. Does he have any idea that you're hurting right now? I mean, did you say anything to him to indicate that you're heartbroken because of the break-up? If you did, then unless he's a complete imbecile, he's gotta know that saying he hopes you're having fun is tantamount to pouring salt in a wound.

I understand you hope on some level that he was just trying to be nice, but what's the point of that? Yes, he is definitely playing a big game with you. But let's look at the situation from a different perspective (or at least try to anyway). How would you feel if he was your guy again, but then find out later that not only had he been **calling his ex,** but that he had also treated her like CRAP just prior to the breakup?

You must find a way to give yourself the closure you are seeking. It is clear to me that he isn't going to give that to you because he's too focused on playing with your emotions and rubbing in your face the fact that he's moved on to someone else. Rather than trying to be happy for him when he starts in with all that bragging crap, instead he needs to hear your **dial tone.**

I can almost guarantee you that IF he goes through with the hint of coming to see you, he's going to put the move on you and try to get you in bed. Unless you're feeling strong enough to resist all of that lovey-dovey attention and crap from him (and I don't think you are at this juncture), I'd encourage you to stay as far away from him as possible.

You say that the option of staying away from him forever doesn't appeal to you. But you have to know that reestablishing regular contact (esp. in person) is only going to cause you further hurt and pain in the end.

Part of what keeps me strong in not contacting my ex-B is that I really do see him for the jackass that he is. I've chosen to distinguish between the man he showed me to be in the first month of our dating (which was a complete farce), and the person that he truly is (verbally and emotionally abusive). I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that my breaking up with him (as he indicated) was a first for him. No other woman had ever broken up with him before and the fact that I did just really chaps his hide. I'm sure he'd love to reel me back in, wine and dine me some more and then coldly dump me with as much of a painful impact as he could make. But I absolutely refuse to give him the satisfaction. Once I began to see the **surface** of his true colors, I knew **instinctively** that he was trouble and it was time for me to get the hell out.

Unfortunately for you, the break-up with him has created a void. You don't really miss him, but rather, the good of what you and he shared together. It's the happy and fun times that you miss, not him. Try to remember that, okay?

I've moved on and so should you.

Take care,

Heymum



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 6:04pm
First of all--you've been so kind in responding to my problem...thanks for taking the time to do so, I really appreciate it. You've been helping me more than you know :)

I still haven't responded to the ex (yay!)...but of course I'm still thinking of him. I wonder if he's even noticed that I haven't gotten back to him right away--I'm ashamed to say that I usually jump at the opportunity to maybe talk to him again. I'm sure you're right about his reason for sending me that message...and yes, he does know how heartbroken I was/am. It's somewhat embarrassing, but I definitely made sure he knew how upset I was about losing him (I sent him numerous letters, called him, etc). But I can't decide if he's really just trying to get under my skin or if he feels like he's being nice by "taking pity" on me and handing me a crumb every once in awhile.

This is so hard for me...simply because I DO still care about him. I hate pretending otherwise...because I feel that in a way, I'm lying not only to him, but to myself. I figure I have to stop caring eventually...but until then, I don't know how to hide it very well.

I only wish I could become as strong as you are...and as convinced that my ex is nothing but scum. Maybe you're right about me not missing him, but the good times...but either way--I still miss something...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:19pm
Again, I'm glad to help you in whatever way I can. I've been a lifelong student in the University of Hard Knocks and it's only because I've lived through and survived some extremely painful relationships and break-ups that I'm the woman I am today.

I want you to know there is no sin in thinking about him. I thought about my ex-B A LOT in the weeks that followed our break-up. I cried a lot and at times underwent a fierce battle with my heart in having to remain steadfast in my decision not to call him or reach out to him anymore. Conversely, when I thought long and hard about him calling me, I became sick to my stomach with fear of what painful and harsh things he'd say to me (he had already gotten in some pretty painful licks just before I finally made up my mind not to speak to him anymore).

For me it became a "mind over matter" situation. With my **MIND**, I dug in my heels and absolutely refused to reach out to him. Some days were easier than others. Looking back, I can clearly see that he underestimated me and thought he was dealing with a foolish, sappy woman (I'm 40 but still look like I'm in my early to mid 20's). I can be very sweet on the outside, but it only covers a very hard *interior*. I won't allow any man to use me, especially if I can help it and clearly see the "handwriting on the wall."

You've got to learn how to look for the signs and listen to what they say, and read between the lines of what they don't say. I'm sure your ex-B called you in part because he figured you'd eagerly call him back (just like my ex thought with me too). I completely surprised my ex by NOT calling him back, esp. when he outright dryly stated in his very last VM on my cell, "...I'm sure you'll call me back when you get this message." When I heard it, I immediately thought to myself, "Ha! That's what you think! Think again buddy!" And knowing he's appealed to my dad to relay messages to me of how he didn't think "we'd" allow anything to interfere with "our" friendship -- well, he was the one who stated (after calling me 8 times on that last day of communication) "This IS my last phone call to you." He probably thought I would call him in a hurry upon hearing that, but little did he know he played himself right into MY hands. I didn't want to hear from him anymore and he ended up giving me exactly what I wanted!

Anyway, I digress.

It's okay to still care about him, and it's okay to still think about him. But no one says that you have to act upon those thoughts just because you have them.

You CAN be as strong as I am. With each new day, just tell yourself "Today, I will NOT contact him in any way, nor will I accept any contact from him.

All the best,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 10:50pm
Well, I still haven't responded to the ex...and for the very first time, I don't WANT to! For the first time ever, I don't feel guilty for ignoring him, I'm not worried about if he's okay, or if he'll stop talking to me forever if I don't respond right away. I've realized that I honestly don't really have anything to say to him. The rare occasions we have actually spoken since the breakup have been very awkward...talking to him is like talking to a stranger now. It's weird to think how much things have changed over the past 4 months...he used to be my best friend, the person I would tell everything to.

Instead of feeling sad, I'm just feeling sorta bitter. Haha, is that the next stop in the healing process? I hope with all of my heart that he's thinking of me right now, wondering what my problem is. I'm sure he doesn't think that I'm (slowly) moving on, well trying to at least. When he finally does realize it, it'll be too late.

I was thinking today of something he told me when he first started dating his new girlfriend--when I first found out, I was devastated...then I decided to try and play it cool. I told him that although I was hurt, I was happy he had met someone he really cared about (yeah right!). I'm remembering now how offended he acted when I said that...he was actually MAD that I didn't seem to care. He then told me that he could already see himself growing bored with her, and that he wasn't positive she liked him for who he really was. Like I've said before, he's a very insecure person...the type who always wonders if someone likes him for his looks/money/popularity or the real him. He also told me that because I never got to see him, he was certain that I truly loved the real him...and not because of any of the superficial reasons.

I hope he remembers that too...I hope he always doubts this new girl's love for him. And I hope that realizes what exactly he lost--a real love. I hope he feels like absolute sh*t when he realizes that he had someone who really, truly cared about him for all the right reasons...and that she doesn't care anymore. You're right--I've been putting myself through so much trying to "redeem" myself to him...and even if I did lie, he wasn't perfect either. And he's not putting in any real effort to be my friend...

I just had a great night with some of my closest girl friends. They've helped me realize that I DON'T need him to be happy...and that my ex doesn't really have the qualities that I'm looking for in a friend, let alone a boyfriend. Even if he DID care about me in his own twisted way, it's doubtful he still does...and it's not the way I'd like to be cared about. I know that he thinks I'm weak and totally, head over heels in love with him, blahblahblah...and that I'll probably continue trying to be with him forever. I'm sure this is just making his already big ego grow even more. I want to surprise him like you did your ex...to show him that I am stronger than he thinks and that no matter how much I cared/care, I'm not going to let him take advantage of me any longer.

That's so wrong that your ex uses your dad to rely messages. Were they close while you two were still together? I think that's so unfair he does that to your father. But I'm glad you haven't given in...I really admire that. This was my first love...so obviously I'm having a hard time getting over it. But are all breakups this difficult? I know I'm pretty young and probably have to experience a lot more...ugh, haha.

Maybe I'm just having a really strong moment right now...maybe tomorrow I'll be all mopey and upset about him again. Who knows? Luckily I'm going away for the weekend, to visit friends at another college--sweet, caring, truly good guys I went to highschool with. Maybe they'll help revive my faith in the opposite sex! :)

Take care...thanks for all of your encouragement. Hopefully soon I won't need it as much, hehe...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 1:26am
Congratulations! It sounds like you've reached a bit of a milestone and you realize you don't really need him like you once thought. Even if you find that your feelings fluctuate from one day to the next (and sometimes feel like you're on a rollercoaster), just remember to remain steadfast in your decision to forego any and all contact.

I admire your strength in turning the tables and fooling him into thinking that you don't care he's got a new girl! His response in getting mad was just priceless! You go girl! It's just too bad you couldn't have recorded your conversation and then played the portion where he spoke less than glowing of his feelings for his current girl. No doubt she'd drop him line a hot potato. But you see, if he'd do that to her, he's a rat and there's no telling what he'd do or say about you when YOUR back is turned. So trust me, you don't want him putting forth ANY effort to be your friend because I'm certain he'd have some ulterior motive involved.

I agree with you about my ex being wrong in using my dad to relay messages to me. They were on friendly terms while we were seeing each other, so I'm sure that talking to my dad was a feeble attempt to motivate me into calling him. My dad and I discussed the situation and he said from a male perspective, cutting him off and refusing to even acknowledge him at church (I leave the minute services have ended), has really "screwed up his head." Bottom line: he wants my attention and is probably completely dumbfounded that I'm not giving it to him.

Getting over a first love can be very challenging to say the least. But you're definitely on the right track. Continue spending time with your girls, go out, have fun and get back into doing the things that bring you joy.

In time, he will be a part of your past. Just make sure you leave him there -- IN THE PAST!

Take care,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 1:12pm
Well, it's a new day...and I still feel the same--strong, and okay with not having him in my life anymore :) I really think that having this discussion board has helped a lot...I've felt better about my situation in the past couple of days than I ever have. It's nice knowing that there are people out there who feel the way I do. I have great friends, and they've all been really supportive...but I was starting to feel bad that they always had to hear about my problem. It's just awesome to have support from outside groups.

Yeah, recording our conversation would have been great, hehe...I was so surprised when he acted pissed that I didn't care about his new girlfriend. Then I realized it was all part of his game. I honestly feel sorry for the new girl in his life...even though he swears he would "never cheat on her and loves her so much." He told me the exact same things, but look what happened. And the fact that he was still telling me he cared about/loved me, etc while they were dating...wow. Now that I'm thinking about it more clearly, I can see how much of a jerk he really is. And once a cheater, always a cheater right?

I'm glad you aren't giving your ex the time of day. Guys really are dumb like that huh? Why do they crave attention so much? Although I guess girls can behave the same way...hehe. But as bitter as I feel sometimes, I've been thinking about it today and I think I'd be fine even if the ex doesn't try contacting me again. It'd be nice to be remembered, but eh...I don't need it--or him, in my life. Maybe I'm just feeling good because he was the last one of us to try and contact the other person...so I'm the one with the power now. I just better not lose it, huh? :)

Well, I've gotta get going...I have to get ready for the fun weekend ahead :) Take care...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 12:10am
I'm glad you're feeling better and that you're enjoying your time on the board. I'm glad it's helped...that's what it's here for after all!! As for your ex.....what goes around, comes around....and he'll get what's coming to him. welcome to the board. I look forward to getting to know you better and wish you the best of luck!! keep us posted!!
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