I need advise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
I need advise!
3
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 6:01pm
I'll try to make this as short as possible. I recently broke up with my bf of 4 years. We lived together for the last two years. Im 20 and he is 21 just to give you a better understanding. Last August I kicked him out of the house and he moved back home with his parents. I was seeing someone on the rebound for about 2 months and for some stupid reason I told him about it. He was obsessed over me and would not let go. When I found out he was talking to someone I freaked out and got back together with him. (I know it was the wrong reason to get back together but I did) So he ended up moving back in with me over a 6 month period. Which I did not want, but since he spent all the time at my place it seemed okay.

Well a year passed and things never got better. He started going to the strip club alot the last 3 months we were together. I got really pissed so instead of telling me he would lie and I would find out from friends. I was in the process of moving to a new apartment I told him he had to find his own place. So he went and put a deposit down but had to wait a few weeks to move in. So he stayed at my new place until he moved out. It was weired cause I knew we couldn't live together anymore but I was still sad. So we were still dating but not living together. He no longer seemed to care about my feelings or whether he saw me or not. He had more freedom than he ever had before and he liked it alot. His friends became more important than me. I was always going to his place and he never really came to mine. The last straw was on my birthday August 18th and he went to the stripclub during lunch and never told me about it. And on top of that he didnt get me anything, but he spent his money on a damn stripper!! I told him we were finally done. He didnt even seem to care. He has alot of younger friends that bring girls over and they party all the time. So I got even more pissed off. I blew up on him a few more times then I tried to leave him alone.

I have had time to evaluate my part in this relationship and realized I had alot of things wrong with myself. I took alot of things out on him that shouldnt have. I realized that I truely love him and want to make this work. So I talk to him and he tells me he doesnt want to be in a relationship because he just got out of a long-term relationship and needs time. This whole time we are still being intimate and Im dying inside cause I love him so much and he doesnt want to be with me. He tells me I need to trust him more. So he starts talking to other females the same way he used to talk to me before we got together. So I'm sick of being hurt and I tell him on Sept 28th that I love him so much and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. He just shuts me out completely. I'm so lost and heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Its been 2 weeks since I've talked to him. The last thing I told him was that he lost the most important thing he ever had in his life. He hasen't called me since. I can't believe I have such strong feelings for him and he seems to not even care. I don't know what to do. I have a few more things of his and I'm tempted to go by his house and drop them off just to see how he is. I have a strong feeling he is talking to someone else. I'm not sure if he just wants to make me feel how he did when I was talking to someone else, or is this really over? Please give me any advice. I'm sorry this is so long but I feel so much better getting it off my chest.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: nessa1880
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:59am
I hate to say it but it sounds like it's really over. What's more, you shouldn't really allow him to treat you so badly. You're still young and you have your whole life ahead of you to fall in love with someone who will respect, admire and cherish you. This guy ain't it. I know it hurts. You'll cry. You'll hurt. You'll feel like your world is coming to and end because you love him so much it hurts and he couldn't care less about whether you're alive or not ...

In time this pain passes. The fog clears and you begin to feel good again. But in order to heal you need to stay away from him. Just don't go over there to find out how he's doing. If you need to return anything to him, mail it or have a friend bring the stuff over. Just get away from this guy. No. Run away from this guy and don't look back. He's giving you very clear messages that he does NOT want you, and if you don't listen you're just going to keep getting hurt over and over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: nessa1880
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 2:43pm
I must say your story sounds a little like mine. My birthday was August 14th and my boyfriend called me from a strip club to say hi around 12:30am, said he'd only be 20 minutes, and came home around 3am. He failed to get me anything, not even a card, and going out to dinner that night was like a chore. Clearly he had spend significant amounts of money at the strip club, but I wasn't important enough to even spend $1.50 on. Anyway, there is a silver lining. I left him last weekend and it's been six days now and I feel really confident I made the best decision. I still love him so much it hurts, but I realized that there is a guy out there that would prefer to spend time with me than with his friends at a strip club. He needs to grow up and I'm glad to have time to move on. I wish you luck, I think you should move on too in order to avoid hurting much longer. I stayed in my relationship 6 months with doubts and realized I just had to get out. If I'd left 6 months ago, I could be over him by now. Something for you to think about. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: nessa1880
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 5:03pm
Thank you so much for your replies. Its nice to have a place to talk about this stuff. Im so sorry your situation was like mine. I feel your pain and heartache and I hope the best to you. There is a Mr.Right out there somewhere and one day we'll meet. Thanks again.