i need all the support i can get....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
i need all the support i can get....
15
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 4:13pm
My boyfriend just broke up with me two days ago. I was completely blindsided. Had no idea it was coming. He lives about an hour away, and the conversation began with figuring out what days I have off from work next week so we can spend time together, and ended with him breaking up with me. I'm so upset, i don't know what to do with myself. We were together for almost a year and a half. We broke up once before for almost a month but got back together. His reasoning for breaking up with me is that he's not sure that the relationship was going anywhere. He said that as much as he loves me, and how good we were together, that things between us were going great (actually, better than before), he doesn't see us having a future together. (I'm trying SO hard not to cry while typing this!!!) He thinks we may have hit our limit and the relationship probably wouldnt go any further. In my head, I know that at least he was honest. He could have strung me along for months or years and not said anything. But he wanted to be fair to me. And I know in my head that I shouldn't want to be with someone who isn't sure about being with me. I deserve better, he's not the one.....etc. etc. I KNOW ALL THIS. I've been talking to family and friends about it and they all say the same thing. I understand all that. But I'm just SOOO hurt right now. I miss him so much. I love him so much. I thought that he was "the one". We had so much fun together, we were so good together, everyone thought that we were going to get married,it was just a great relationship. And now it's over. I know I have to grieve and cry and just go through all the emotions, but i feel like i can't do this. I know I have my family to lean on and they're really supportive but they all live far away. I don't have too many close friends that I can talk to about it. I just miss him. I want to be with him. I want him to change his mind but I know I can't do anything about that. He says that he needs time and space to think. That he needs to do this for himself. This breakup wasn't about something I did, or because the relationship was bad (cuz it wasn't). It's something he needs to do for himself right now. Again I understand and respect that. But right now I feel like I'm having the biggest battle between my head and my heart..... my head understands but my heart......it doesn't want to believe that it's really over. We have so much love for each other. Part of me thinks that we'll get back together and i hate that because I'm sure it's just false hope. This is so hard!!! If anyone out there could reply with anything, I'd really appreciate it. I need all the support I can get because I'm having a really awful time with this. Thanks for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 5:52pm

Girl! I'm here for you... I am in the same stage as you now. I just broke up (I guess?) with my guy via email yesterday (we're long distance).

Just background real quick, I have been dating this guy for almost 2 yrs as well, we haven't seen each other as much as we would like, but his work prevents most of that (he works insane hours and weekends lately... hard to coordinate meeting, etc.) Anyway, I just found out he has been talking to another girl (she lives away from him too) and reading what she writes to him is like a knife thru my heart- sweetie, "hi love", "I know we might not be able to see each other b/c of your job...." - the same crap I tell him.

Anyway, so I felt i had to break it off and IT'S SO HARD. I didn't want to. I know how you feel right now... I cry on the way home from work, cry re-reading emails to each other and cry myself to sleep. All my friends say the same thing to me as yours do- this is for the best, you know if he was the one he wouldn't let you feel this way, he will come crawling back, you are so x,y,z, he doesn't deserve you... and you're right- even though everyone can tell you these things 90x, you still feel like garbage!

So hang in there, we can help each other. There will be light at the end of the tunnel, we will survive, it can't be this bad forever, ya know? (I'm trying to tell myself these things.) Just give him the space he supposedly wants and see what happens (easier said than done, I know). You're not alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2006
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 9:54pm

Ugh, I am so sorry. I know exactly how you are feeling. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can say to you to take the pain away...I figured that out around day 4. I am on day 10 right now, and I am starting to feel better...really, it is amazing to me how each passing day things change inside of me, what I am feeling and thinking. I know I will have bad days and good days in the future...today happens to be a good day, but who knows about tomorrow.

The best thing you can do right now is not call, give the space he wants, let the dust settle. I know it feels like each day that goes by is a huge amount of time to not be with him, but it's not...mine ended the last phone call with me asking what the next step was, to not talk, be friends, etc...and he said he didn't know, that he would call when he is in a better place...whatever that means. That was 8 days ago.

To get through it, I have been trying to keep myself busy, FORCE myself to do things, even if I don't feel like it, and it is helping. I have super cleaned my house, steam cleaned the carpets. I just went on a shopping spree and spent $500 on new clothes...and I know it's sick and twisted, but while shopping, I kept looking for things that I would want to wear if I ever saw him again...I know that's probably not healthy, but it did let me feed in to my sense of false hope. I think it's ok to hang on to false hope when it helps you get though it a little. The false hope will fade away too I think...I don't know.

You are not alone, know that...if getting your heart broken kills people, then no one would be here. It's like that movie "Under the Tuscan Sun" - when her husband leaves her for another woman, she says how she is surprised at how divorce doesn't actually kill you, good or bad as that may be.

I also found - please don't flame me for this, just being honest - for the first 4 days, I had to take 2 tylenol PM's so that I could fall asleep without my brain spinning and spinning...but the mornings are still hard. I know it will go away though, it has before and it will again. The body wants to heal itself, and so does the heart...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 5:33pm

Hi there,
Today seems to be an unusually bad day... I know it's technically only day 3, but this is so tough. And for me, I think the weekdays will be harder because we would talk via email during weekdays.

I don't have the urge to email/text/call which is good, but it's also because I've done all that and gotten no response from him. And that kills me even more- the fact he can be so cold-hearted to not respond when I'm reaching out to him. My friends say right there is enough to show you his true feelings. At this point he should be kicking and screaming to make me stay, but he's not.

I have kept a little busy with cleaning and stuff, but I've also been doing a whole lot of nothing- laying on the couch, reading, eating, whatever. Everything I hear on the radio, see on TV, see while out and about reminds me of him even if it's not related.

And no, I will not criticize you for the Tylenol PM's! ha. Nighttime is bad, but so is the morning when there's the realization that the same problem exists right back where you left it the night before.

Thanks for being here!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Sun, 02-12-2006 - 8:36pm

Hello Ladies,
I feel your pain, tomorrow it will be 6 weeks since my world just collapsed, out of nothing, didn't see it coming, anyways. There will be good days, there will be bad days. My problem was that we lived together so now I'm in a huge place with a large mortage, but it's only money right??? I try to tell myself that this is for the better, keep thinking that better now than when we were married and had kids. The most important things is to keep busy, vut him out of your life, no texts, no emails, no phone calls, because at least for me; every time he sends me a text I am brought back to that sad place, get a little bit of false hope, but then I ask myself; what would he really have to tell me?? That he doesn't love me, that he never can be with me, that he just needs space, whatever it may be, it won't make me feel any better, so I put the phone down. Do whatever makes you happy, I know me saying these things won't probably make you feel better, just know that you deserve better. This is what I got sent to me when this happened to me and i keep it next to my phone to keep me from calling :
LET IT GO!
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if > they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go. > And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's > part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the > dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's > over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's > the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm > hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me > to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't > need it. > Stop begging people to stay. > Let them go!! > If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was > never intended for your life, then you need to...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you are holding on to past hurts and pains .... > LET IT GO!!! > If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your > worth..... > LET IT GO!!! > If someone has angered you ....... > LET IT GO!!! > If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new > level...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....... > LET IT GO!!! > If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help > themselves...... > LET IT GO!!! > If you're feeling depressed and stressed > LET IT GO!!! > If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling > yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you > need to...... > LET IT GO!!! > Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new > thing for 2006 !!! > LET IT GO!!!

"Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option"
-Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 11:51am

Hi all,
All your stories are so familiar, its like I am living it. Oh wait, I am. Just want to say that its been three weeks for me since my ex said chose another girl over me and not even bother to tell me that it just didn't work out with us. I mean, nothing. Its like we never existed even though it was a year. I never saw it coming, and my days are like a roller coaster. Today is a good day though. Its cool to know that others out there feel my pain. Its hard to explain to friends who are not going through the same thing. They just tell you, oh you'll get over it, but sometimes you just want to share with someone who feels your pain.

Hope you guys will be fine, I am working on feeling better myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 2:19pm

Hello Ladies,


I know the pain you're feeling as well, I just ended a 1 1/2 year relationship a few weeks ago.

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 5:09pm
hi lilj5..i hope your feeling fine right now.. actually my boyfriend last two wks ago was trying to break up with me also. coz his saying that his too busy working and dont have time for me(relationship).i didnt agreed w/ him. i told him its better to cool off than jumping to an ending and maybe he just need some space. seens then i stop calling and bothering him....after 4 days he call me back and telling me that he misses me and now everything seems doing fine(thanks god for that)..well what i suggest to you maybe your exbf/bf need some space..for right now just live him alone let him think..maybe his having problem (financial,work,family,friend,health or who knows)and he doesnt want you to get involved and get worried because he loves you so much. guys are type of person wont talk about their problem not like as ladys we like sharing are problem coz it give us comfort. dont worry like you mention this happen to u once but you guys get back together right.well trust me sooner he will call u back and its up to you if you open that door and take that risk AGAIN. right now calm down stay positive and stop confusing your self.GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 6:54pm
Hi everyone. Thanks so much to all that replied to my post. It's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels like this and that I can meet people that know exactly what I'm going through. It's been rough to say the least. Not only am I trying to take it one day at a time, it's more like one hour at a time! Talk about a roller coaster of emotions! I have to admit, I did see him yesterday. Honestly, I was surprised that he agreed. I know I shouldn't have, and yes I made a mistake because everyone is telling me not to see or speak to him. But it's hard. Nothing changed, even though I hoped it would, I knew it wasn't going to. Not a few days after breaking up. I know he needs his space but it's so hard not to see him and speak to him! It was a moment of weakness and I feel like I let everyone down by seeing him. We still do love each other a lot but I know maintaining contact will only make it hurt more for the both of us. I miss him a lot. More than anything, really. But I love him and respect him enough to give him what he needs, even though it's killing me! He needs to figure things out. There's nothing I can do to change his mind. It's hard for me to accept that I can't fix this. He's worth fighting for but there's nothing I can do! I still feel like I'm having a constant battle with my heart vs my head. I think this breakup is just too fresh for me because my heart is leading my thoughts (i.e. I went to see him when I know I shouldn't have). I know people say this a lot, but I am sincere when I say that I've never loved anyone like this before. He was and still is such an amazing person. And it hurts to think that I won't have that in my life anymore. I know I have to keep busy, go to work, surround myself with other people, etc. and I'm trying. But at the end of the day (nights are the worst!) I can't help but wish that we were together again. This is definitely hard, I don't remember it being so hard in past relationships! But I guess because this situation is different. HE's different. I know that this is an opportunity to make myself happy, do what I want, work on me. I get that. That's what you're supposed to do when a relationship ends. Live and learn. But again, my heart just wonders: I have all this love for this one person, it feels like a love more than anything you've ever experienced just for this one person. It's like I'm holding in my hand with his name written all over it. What do I do with it? I have passions and love for all the people in my life and other things, and I could just tune in more on those things. But I feel like this love that I'm holding, the one that's reserved just for him....what do I do with it? It belongs to him but he doesn't seem to want it right now. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you. Maybe I'm just tired, or overthinking. Is it bad that I have a little glimmer of hope that things may change between us?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Mon, 02-13-2006 - 8:09pm

to lilj5

your not alone every one here feel same thing like your feeling right now!!! and stop worrying about other people think do what ever best for you thats my advise and first thing remember this my friend the only person would know if your exbf/bf loves you is YOU your self..<<>>

GOD BLESS YOU AND MORE POWER....I WISH LUCK FOR YOU AND LIKE I SAID STAY POSITIVE!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 2:08pm
Hey there- When I read your posts, I felt I was hearing my story. We had been together for 6 months and verything seemed great. We lived only 2 hours apart but it never came between us. Two weekends ago, I was PMSing and we ended up fighting- nothing bad but he said he needed time. On Friday of that week, we talked and he said he needed more time and it was unfair to keep the relationship as it is because its happened to him in the past and it just got worse. He has too many things going on and he cant take the pressure of a relationship. It was so shocking to hear that he thought of our relataionship as a burden! The funny thing is...he left me with hope. He didnt just say that our relationship is over and we shouldnt talk again, he left it kind of up in the air. He hasnt called...I wrote him an email to tell him to be straightforward and havent heard anything from him. The hardest part is that I love him so much and thought everythign was great, it doesnt make sense! I dont understand how you can walk away from someone you love?! Anyways, I feel your pain and I too am waiting with hope and have no idea if this is the best thing to do. Maybe its better to treat it as its over.

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