i need all the support i can get....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
i need all the support i can get....
15
Sat, 02-11-2006 - 4:13pm
My boyfriend just broke up with me two days ago. I was completely blindsided. Had no idea it was coming. He lives about an hour away, and the conversation began with figuring out what days I have off from work next week so we can spend time together, and ended with him breaking up with me. I'm so upset, i don't know what to do with myself. We were together for almost a year and a half. We broke up once before for almost a month but got back together. His reasoning for breaking up with me is that he's not sure that the relationship was going anywhere. He said that as much as he loves me, and how good we were together, that things between us were going great (actually, better than before), he doesn't see us having a future together. (I'm trying SO hard not to cry while typing this!!!) He thinks we may have hit our limit and the relationship probably wouldnt go any further. In my head, I know that at least he was honest. He could have strung me along for months or years and not said anything. But he wanted to be fair to me. And I know in my head that I shouldn't want to be with someone who isn't sure about being with me. I deserve better, he's not the one.....etc. etc. I KNOW ALL THIS. I've been talking to family and friends about it and they all say the same thing. I understand all that. But I'm just SOOO hurt right now. I miss him so much. I love him so much. I thought that he was "the one". We had so much fun together, we were so good together, everyone thought that we were going to get married,it was just a great relationship. And now it's over. I know I have to grieve and cry and just go through all the emotions, but i feel like i can't do this. I know I have my family to lean on and they're really supportive but they all live far away. I don't have too many close friends that I can talk to about it. I just miss him. I want to be with him. I want him to change his mind but I know I can't do anything about that. He says that he needs time and space to think. That he needs to do this for himself. This breakup wasn't about something I did, or because the relationship was bad (cuz it wasn't). It's something he needs to do for himself right now. Again I understand and respect that. But right now I feel like I'm having the biggest battle between my head and my heart..... my head understands but my heart......it doesn't want to believe that it's really over. We have so much love for each other. Part of me thinks that we'll get back together and i hate that because I'm sure it's just false hope. This is so hard!!! If anyone out there could reply with anything, I'd really appreciate it. I need all the support I can get because I'm having a really awful time with this. Thanks for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Tue, 02-14-2006 - 11:52pm

Oh my god, it was like reading my own story almost exactly. My BF broke up with me 2 weeks ago, but until then I had thought it was the happiest relationship. He can't decide what he wants, needs to think, etc. etc. WHY can't he just be with me? The only advice I can offer you is, try to go on with your life as though he really is gone forever. He may come back, but thinking about that and hoping for that just makes you feel worse. Also, don't see him or talk to him...very difficult, but he has to miss you too. And it will help you in the long run if you don't see him now. I am trying myself to put all that into action...I have to fight the urge to pick up the phone, and also he lives in the building next to mine!

Just keep talking to your friends & family...I hope you feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Wed, 02-15-2006 - 6:24pm
Hi everyone. Again, thanks for all of the words of encouragement/advice/support. YOu have no idea what it means to me. I didn't cry today! I'm happy about that! First time since it's happened. I know that I'll cry again one of these days, probably sooner than later, but I'm glad that I didn't. I'll have my good and bad days, thank goodness it was a good day. Didn't have too much time to think about him. Work was crazy busy. But when I did have down time, he's all I think about. Just wondering what he's doing. If he's thinking about me. I hope he is. I don't have too much to say today. I guess it's cuz I'm so tired, maybe that's a good thing!! I just wanted to check in with all you ladies who are going through the same heartbreak. I'm so glad that I have a place where I can speak about my feelings, vent, cry, and have no fear that I'll be judged because of my lapse in judgement when it comes to the ex. How are all of you doing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 1:59pm

Great post. I mean really a great post.

I went through a breakup over a year ago and I did focus on just this the entire time:

"There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk."

I knew in the very beginning of the relationship that the woman I was with was one who not only can walk away, but had walked away from every single relationship she'd ever had (I mean 3 marriages, live-ins, boyfriends, etc.). Every single one she talked about it was always their fault that she had to end it/leave. When I'd ask questions to try and figure out how (if) what we had was somehow different, I got zero comfort that we were in any way different. I tried to go with my intuition, in the beginning, but I didn't and I fell in love. The feeling (knowledge) never went away for me. We were together almost four years and the feeling never went away - it only became stronger. That knowlegdge stopped me from asking her to marry me (even though expressed a strong desire for just that and down the road four years she still let me know that is what she wanted and she was just waiting for me to ask). Four years down the road, with that feeling/knowledge still there I decided to again ignore what I knew. I was in love and I didn't care. I wanted it to last as long as it would and I started to think maybe I was somehow different and that because of who I was and how committed I was to making it work that we would be different.

So, I go out and buy a really expensive ring. Only a couple of days before hand, I hear my nephew ask why we aren't married and she answers (as she had for four years) that she was just waiting for me to ask. She had really strong intuition and I could tell that she knew I was going to ask her to marry me soon. I was so sure (after four years of being told by her) that she wanted to be married to me.

We go away somewhere far away and the whole time I could tell she knew I was about to ask her to marry me (I could tell because she would normally have zero trust in me (should have been another giant clue) and have to know everything that was going on. Yet when it came to my 'suspicious' activity related to the ring buying, she didn't ask or press about anything). So, I ask her to marry me. She NEVER answeres the question. She just sat there and cried (it was clear they were not tears of joy). For the longest time, only tears and silence. So, I ask, after the longest time (and what was clearly a no, even though there wasn't EVER an answer): So, I guess there isn't any point to us living together anymore? She answered that question with the statement that she hadn't thought that far ahead yet.

Later, when we talked, I told her that is was a giant surprise and one of the worst experiences I'd ever had in my life. I said I no longer wanted to be with someone who didn't want to be with me. I told her that I needed to know that she still wanted to be with me. Needless to say, she didn't still want to be with me. It was a long, slow breakup after that. I told her to take all the time she needed to find the right place to live (she had lived rent/utility/bill free at my house for almost four years). She took her time to move out (five months) and really didn't make an effort until I went out on a date with a woman she knew was interested in me.

I knew the entire relationship that she had no problem just walking away. Yet, I also knew we loved each other. Still, after that, I knew the relationship was dead. I didn't make any effort to reconcile us. I wanted to, but I knew it would have to be her that reached out and made an effort, any effort. She never did.

This was so difficult for me because I was so hurt, embarassed, etc. that there was nobody (no friends or family) that I felt comfortable enough talking to about what had happened. I went to a counselor for a few sessions so I could talk about it and work through it.

I really didn't mean to write about what happened with me, so much as to reinforce what you've shared with all of us as it is so true. Now, well over a year after the breakup, I still love and miss her, but thank God every day that I didn't end up married to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2006
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 4:16pm

My favorite saying that I keep reminding myself is: "Better a tooth out than always aching." I even renamed my ex "Toothache" in my cellphone address book to remind myself not to answer when he calls. Here's the whole "People Who Can Walk Away From You" thing. It's pretty enlightening.

http://my.opera.com/Qbone/blog/show.dml/106039

Steph

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Thu, 02-23-2006 - 5:12pm
hey everyone. it's been a while since I've posted. Things with me have been *eh* ok I guess. Today is Day 5 of no contact. That is REALLY good for me! The thing is, I don't have a real burning desire to talk to him. I think it's because I'm so tired already from all of this. I'm tired of all the heartache and sadness. I'm tired of thinking about HIM and all the drama that has unfolded. I just want to be happy again. Surprisingly I haven't cried in a couple of days. I don't know exactly where all this strength is coming from because normally I'd be crying all the time, depressed, calling him,etc but I haven't! My days are spent doing what I want to do, taking care of myself and doing what needs to be done with MY life. I think maybe I was starting to lose that. Everytime I had a day off from work I'd spend the night at his place. My first day off since the breakup I hung out, did errands,whatever. I thought about what I would "normally" be doing and didn't really get upset. Kind of just shrugged and went about my day. I still do think about him a lot. Just wondering what he's up to if he'll ever call. But the funny thing is, I haven't even obsessed about getting back together with him. I know he has issues and I really hope he works through them because he's such a great guy. But I've decided as much fun as we had together and liked each other's company, maybe it wasn't enough....for the both of us (I never thought I'd think this way because I love him so much, but it's true!) I don't think I even want him back. I want to be with someone who will love me for me. Someone who will communicate with me how they feel about the relationship and if he thinks there are problems, talk them out and figure out ways to fix them TOGETHER. I don't want someone who will tell someone else that they don't think it's working. TELL ME! I don't want someone who will bounce out of the relationship like that. Making me feel like everything is fine and dandy when in reality he's telling his sibling that he doesn't think it's gonna work out. That's bull****!! That's not right! And I know now that I deserve so much better. I showed him and told him all the time how much I loved him. I would write him notes and do little things to let him know that I was thinking about him. Now that I look back, the last letter I wrote to him "just because" I told him how much he meant to me, how happy he's made me, how much I love him, etc etc. when I saw him after he got it, he never even mentioned it. That should have been my first clue right there. I did wonder about it for about a minute or two. Why didn't he say anything? Not even a thank you or whatever? Then I guess I just forgot about it. Hmm. I know what I'm worth and I know what I deserve. It's scary to think sometimes that I have to go back "out there" because there are so many jerks. But the thing is, that risk will be totally worth it because I know that someday I will find the person I'm supposed to be with. I have to say, I definitely have learned from all this. I know that I sound all strong now, I guess you can say that I've had a couple of good days. I'm sure I'll have some bad ones. I have my moments just like everyone else. I wonder if he misses me. The last time we talked he said that he'd call me sometime this week. To be honest I'm scared to even talk to him if or when he does call. Just because I don't want to go back to that place. Have all those emotions again because I've been doing so well. On the other hand I want him to call so he can see how well I'm doing without him! :) Because I know he's be VERY surprised about that! I'll keep you guys updated. Let me know what's going on with the rest of you? How are all of you doing????

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