I need to break up with him but.........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
I need to break up with him but.........
5
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 11:05am

I will try to make a long story short but I'm in desperate need for some advice.

I have been dating a really sweet guy for the past two months. He is kind, considerate, and I truly think that he would move Mountains for me. There are some red flags however and some issues that he has that I just can't deal with.

When we first started dating, he confessed to me that he had just gotten out of rehab for RX drug abuse about 6 weeks prior. He told me he had been clean for 6 weeks and that he was also being treated for depression. I thanked him for his honesty and while I had some concerns, I mostly put them on the back burner because I was enjoying getting to know him.
To my knowledge he has not abused any more RX drugs and during the time we have dated he has even quit smoking, however he still smokes weed and I'm somewhat bothered by that. And while he has never gotten drunk around me, he drinks more then the average Joe on most nights of the week.

In the past few months I have seen some addictve behavior on his part and some other things that have raised some red flags and have made me question where I want this relationship to go. He got emotionaly attatched way to quickly, I tried having the "space" talk with him and he teared up, so being the sensitive person that I am, I dropped it and just dealt with his clinginess.

He works as a waiter in a resort and here lately he has struggled just to make ends meet. For the last month, I have footed the bill when it comes to food and other recreational activites. He insists that this is the "slow" period and that business will pick up in a few months. At first I bought that but now I'm seeing some deeper issues. He lied to his employer and told them that he had another job on Saturdays when in fact he didn't, he just wanted Saturdays off so he could watch Collage Football. I have tried to encourage him to find another job that would have a steadier paycheck but he keeps insisting that everything will be fine in a few months. He almost seems content to just float along with no goals for his future. He keeps making excuses for himself and as alwful as this sounds I'm getting tired of it.

He told me he was treated for depression in rehab but as far as I know he has never continued his treatment because he has no insurance. So basicly he is batteling this on his own. This concerns me because I would think that after only 8 days in rehab he would need to be in out-patient therapy. I even offered to go to an AA meeting with him if he would just agree to go, but he told me that he would not be seen with a bunch of drunks. ( I don't know a whole lot about drug abuse but I thought that a 12 step program would be benificial to him)..

His depression is getting bad again and he goes from extreme highs to extreme lows in the matter of hours. It hurts me to see him this way because I know that he is a bright intelligent person but this and along with the other issues is putting a huge strain on out relationship and I don't know how much more I can take.

I'm Honestly scared to break up with him out of fear of what he might do to himself. He told me today that I was his only source of happienss. I'm honestly his only friend. I know it's only a matter of time before he turns to drugs again due to the lack of intervention.

I'm debating on waiting till after Christmas to end things because I don't want to ruin his Christmas but on the other hand I dont know how much more I can take.

How do you break up with someone like this who has all these problems. I know no matter how I do it he will be hurt. My biggest fear is him turning to drugs again or worse hurting himself.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 12:40pm
I was in a similar situation years ago. I was dating a guy who I starting realizing had problems and issues I really didn't want to deal with. Just when I was about to break up with him, he got fired from his job. A couple of weeks before that he was fired from a band he played in. When he told me about the job he said he figured I would dump him next. I was truly afraid of what this guy would do to himself, so I waited. We continued to see each other, but I did not mislead him. He always knew that my feelings for him were not what they should have been. When he got on his feet and built his ego back up, we broke up. I don't know if this was the right way to handle things, but it was what I felt I needed to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:58pm

You are not responsible for this guy and his problems! He had these issues before you were in his life and your being honest with him about not wanting to have a relationship with him will not make them worse. He makes his own choices and he will do so no matter what you do or say. You can not fix him! Let me repeat that, you can not fix him! My hunch is that right now he is holding on tightly to you because you are enabling his behavior and footing the bill for his choice of not getting a better job and not wanting to work on Saturdays. If you follow your heart and walk away he will do one of two things, stay as his and find someone else to enable him or he will get it together and take care of himself. Either way, the choice is his.

Hugs,
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:28pm

Hi berry_vegan
I came across your post by accident. But I have to respond and I hope you listen to what I say.
Our ages are very different but your story is very much mine.
I am in the process (and it's taking a long time to unravel) of breaking up with the guy I've been with for 8 years who told me at the beginning that he was a past drug addict (heroin, morphine) and I thought - strong, independent woman that I am - 'oh I can handle that'.
Loved him dearly. Still do, probably always will.
But in the course of our relationship he's gotten very addicted to pain killers - for real pain maybe but nonetheless - an addict is an addict. That's what you have to remember. Their addiction will ALWAYS come first. And they are the only ones who can stop it and change their situation.
Please - if you want to be friends, great. But do NOT be his savior. Do not let him say anything about - 'well if you help me, stay with me, whatever with me, I'll stop.' HE is the only one who can stop and you are right.. a 12 step program is very good for most addicts. He has to want to do it though. You can not spoon feed them recovery.
I see you listing the excuses. I know you want to believe them. But your instinct, intuition is screaming in your ear.
You don't have to abandon him but YOU cannot save or help him.
The depression is part of it and the mood swings may indicate a bipolar personality. One of the things that has allowed me to stay in my relationship so long is that he is a really sweet, smart, fun person. He was never violent or a drinker or I would have been gone long ago. I come from an alcoholic family so it is all very "familiar" at some level and I have basic skills to handle "addicts". But - that's my problem and I have my own learning/path to walk.
I can see your conflict. I hope you will walk away and if it takes you awhile then - at least - learn what it is IN YOURSELF that is keeping you with him.
Do not, please, listen to any promises to change. His actions will ALWAYS speak louder than his words. His actions that you have described are already telling you the sad tale. He does need help.
Good luck. I hope this helps in some small way.
Siri

I understand COMPLETELY your fear about leaving him.

HE WILL TURN TO DRUGS OR GET MORE DEPRESSED ANYWAY - WHETHER YOU LEAVE HIM OR NOT.

If I can help any further let me know
Good luck.
Siri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 5:29pm

I suggest going to AlAnon for yourself. This 12 step program helps in great depth with issues of co-dependancy. Whatever this guys does he is going to do, he can only use you as another form of an addiction. I suggest get out as soon as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 9:29am

I agree with everyone here. You have to walk away. Seriously, walk away. I was in a great relationship with a guy for two years when his depression and addictive behavior really started to rear it's head. I had no idea how to deal with it, and at the time didn't even know what was happening. I had my life together and had never experienced someone who had such an emptiness take them over. He quit training for a marathon we were registered for, then quit school mid-semester, stayed up all hours playing video games and watching tv, then by the next year had completely walked away from our relationship. My ex quit things and never looked back or showed any remorse, and that's eventually how we ended as well. His depression and addictions consumed him and the pain of dealing with it was too much. He just kept trying to move forward to ignore everything.

I know you are worried about this guy's feelings, but a previous post was right. He had these problems before you met him, and it is not your responsibility to fix him. I wish my ex had exhibited these extreme behaviors early on. It would have saved me months of pain and questioning on my part about what I did to make him change so drastically. Forget the holiday issue. There is never a good time to end a relationship. If you invest anymore time in this man you will only be getting negative results that will hurt you in the end. Investment means you give of yourself, and someone like this will only take and never give back to you.

Please, heed everyone's advice and end this. Let him know that you care about him, but that right now you need to care more about yourself. Give him phone numbers for a few therapists around town, information on 12-step programs in your area, and the number of the rehab place he should have stayed at for longer than 8 days.

Good luck with this and please update the boards on your situation. You sound like a smart and caring person. I know you will get through this.

-Car