I need comfort..not that I deserve it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
I need comfort..not that I deserve it...
9
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 12:15pm

Hello,


I would like to start off with my story, then lead up to everything...sorry if it's long, but I really would appreciate some advice. I don't have many friends close by..and the ones I DO stay in touch with don't understand how much this REALLY hurts...all they can do is tel me to come party with them...I just don't want that b/c that's not really who i am anymore...


Well, here's my story..


Ive been with my bf for 4 years. Throughout these years, we've had problems..little ones, though. But the good has always outweighed the bad. Some of the problems we had were that since we live in a small town and the majority of our dating history has been throughout high school (we started dating when I was 15..I'm 19 now, and in my second year of college. He's 20). Living in a small town consists of hearing rumors and hearing too much information. I found out over the course of the 4 years we've been together, he's kissed two girls - I broe up w/ him both times..but only for a day b/c I could tell he was sorry for what he did and he regretted it sincerely. Anyways, along came MySpace. That does nothing but cause problems in a relationship..I'ev always been jealous of him talking to all the girls he has talked to...plus, he would go hang out w/ his friends and never invite me, though there were other girls and girlfriends of his friends there. So back in March of this year, I started hanging out w/ my friends and some new ppl they knew from their job. I wasn't looking to cheat...it just happened. This guy came onto me strong. We just hung out for a few weeks and he really seemed to like me. I was just loving the attention because I felt like he treated me better than my bf. So one night, we ended up having sex...but the next day and then on I cut him off and told him we should not have done that...and that I love my bf. So since March, I have kept this from my bf, only because I knew what I did was horrible - I regretted it. It

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 2:50pm

Welcome to the board laci8806,


Have a good cry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 3:01pm

Thank you for the reply...it helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 3:12pm

There are a lot of posts here because the person has been cheated on and hence the cause of their heartbreak.


Relationship Grieving Process

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 4:45pm
That's the thing - I knew I didn't need to be punished because I already knew what I did was wrong..that's one of the reason's I didn't tell him. I knew that if I told him, I would be punished when I didn't need to be...but that's what he wants. He wants me to feel bad (which I obviously do) and he wants me to realize how much I hurt him...I guess by hurting myself. I can't blame him, because I believe that any human would want the person who cheated on them to be punished...so I'm just giving him what he wants. Is that wrong? I've started to tell him I've forgiven myself but I know he would be like "Psh, well, I'm glad you can be so happy..."..or something like that. And yes, I've considered asking him to go to counseling..but is it too soon? We just broke up Sunday.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 4:52pm

Hmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Tue, 11-27-2007 - 5:48pm

i'm not condoning cheating, but this statement made me wonder:


:because I felt like he treated me better than my bf:


have you talked to your bf about your feelings about your relationship and his flirting with other women & what that did to you?


does he realize the impact of his actions? not that that's any excuse, but even if you don't talk to him about this, think about it yourself.


if he can't provide what you need to be happy, should you be in that relationship, no matter how wonderful he is?

-- I'm not a guy, but often wish I was...


_________________________________________________


"If someone is not treating you

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 4:01pm

That's true...thank you all for the advice. I'm going to use it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 4:55pm
You made a mistake, which seems like the worst mistake ever. But, it happened, you stopped seeing the other man. If your bf is going to use this against you, do you really want to be with someone who will use every mistake you make as an excuse for doing what he wants? It's hard to work through a hurdle like cheating, especially when there's so much more taking your attention (school, etc.). It's also hard to get over your first love, but if you break up, life does go on. Just let him work through this on his own, but like I said, if he's going to hold it against you the rest of your lives and do whatever he wants to get back at you because of it, is this really what you want?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006
Wed, 11-28-2007 - 6:02pm
I know...that's exactly how I feel. I mean, I know he has a right to be angry..and it is still pretty soon since we broke up. But yeah...that's what I'm scared of. Him doing what he wants because he thinks I owe it to him..I don't remember if I mentioned this in the post, but one of the problems we had was due to MySpace...and eventually we deleted them a few months ago and things have been better ever since until I confessed that I cheated. The day we broke up, he went home and re-signed up for a MySpace account...I know that if we were to work things out, things wouldn't be the same...at least not for a while. So, no..you're right. I don't know if that's what I want. I want to give it a chance, but if he holds me accountable for this for too long I will probably just move on. Thanks for your advice. It makes me feel better becasue that's what I was thinking.