I need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
I need help
11
Wed, 07-13-2005 - 10:23am

Hi there,

This is the first time I am posting a message online. I would really really like some help. It was great to find out that there was aplace for people like me. I have been in a relationship for 3 years. From the very start we have faced opposition from his parents about our marriage. But both of us tried and tried to make them see our point. I also had to work on my parents who have been incredibly supportive but are now starting to get panicky about my wedding. Both sides even met but still, his parents are completely opposed to the wedding!
About 2-3 months ago, he told me he had doubts about whether he could face up to his parents. But we worked on this together. He even called up my dad and told him that he was ready for an enagagement even if his parents didnt come to it. Then today (8 days before I leave for home....to get engaged) he said that he cant hurt his parents in this way.

I dont know what to do!!! its 8 days to facing my parents! if i tell them about this, they will (very resaonably) ask me to get over him. In fact, I have a feeling that I might even be engaged to some one else by the time summer is over! You know why? Not because my parents are forcing me to but because I know they want it and theres nothing else for me to fight them for.

Should I fight to keep him? Should I try to convince him that we are perfect for each other and that we will work and work to get his parents to accept us? But this territory has been covered so many times over the past few months.........I can fight anybody-my parents, tradition, my own longings to get married...........but how do I fight him? Its like the enemy in your own backyard...........

pls help me with what to do- i love him to bits. in the past when things got bad, i really thought abt what my life will be without him ...with someone else. I dont like it. We were friends before we started going out, we are soooo close i feel like we are one person. How can I ever be like that with someone else? i want to fight for our future soooo bad!!! but then i think, even if i convince him now what if he ditches me at the enagement? But I dont want to spend the rest of my life soaked in tears and emotionally barren................

pls help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: miserable27
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 8:05am

miserable27...

This may...or may not....be the suggestion you wish to hear, but Pianoguy will offer it up to ANYBODY who is your situation.

LET THE MAN GO!

When an adult male uses his parents as an excuse to end...or put an engagement 'on hold'...it's clear that he either hasn't matured enough to make decisions on his own...OR CAN'T! This conflict will also be present after you're married! Is this what you HONESTLY want?

It's a damn shame that his parents have a problem with you? . But if you have to spend your entire life getting "clearance about any issue" from his Mom and Dad...this ISN'T a life! It's just an extension of living under the rules and regulations of parental figures.

Follow the advice of YOUR parents...and GET OVER HIM!

The last thing YOU need is to become a "mom" for someone elses little boy---who is disguised as AN ADULT MALE! I'm just amazed you've put up with this nonsense for 3 years!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: miserable27
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 8:54am

well initially he and i both thought that ew could make his parents see our point. thats why were together for so long. they really dont have any rational reason against me-just that i belong to a different region and some stupid astrologer (!) said that i wasnt a good match for their son. thats all that was needed to make them completely opposed to this.

i see your point about leaving him. but he really cares abt his parents in the sense that he wants to take care of them. his point seems to be that if he is with me, his parents will be so pissed off that they wont talk to him or accept any help from him............

i have to admit, i slipped right now. just called him. used to call him every morning. he said he was missing me too but there was nothing he cld do..............

i keep feeling like calling him. shoudl i? i want it to work so bad........the thought of not spending my life with him is driving me mad.......... i can deal with his crazy parents as long as i am with him..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: miserable27
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 11:24am

miserable27...

HELLO? ANYBODY HOME?

You obviously missed the point of my original post. You've already made up your mind to ignore similar suggestions others have probably offered....so go forth....and FAIL!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
In reply to: miserable27
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 1:35pm

Pianoguy, that was unnecessarily harsh. While I see your point and FULLY agree that a man who puts that much importance on his parents' opinion is spineless and will probably continue to be that way throughout the marriage as well, the situation deserves a little sensitivity (cultural and just the plain, usual kind).

Miserable27, from your posts as well as your mention of an astrologer, I assume you're likely indian (like me) and probably hindu...I understand the deep sense of obligation your bf has to his parents and the need he has to repay them for all the sacrifices they've made for him throughout his life. However, if he feels that his obligation to his parents is above his own happiness, there's absolutely nothing you can say that can change the situation - it's his decision alone and he's already made it, despite your bf's obvious feelings for you. The longer it takes you to see that, the harder it will be for you when you're finally ready to accept it. Even if somehow you were able to find those magic words to convince him to go against his parents, if he feels at all coerced by you in doing so, he'll resent you for it later on and blame you for the fallout with his parents. I've been there and I know EXACTLY what kind of pain you must be going through - I too was with my ex for three years and I was absolutely crushed when we broke up b/c of his need to please his parents by marrying someone of his own religion. I know you keep calling, hoping that if he hears your voice, he'll remember all the things he loves about you and this will somehow convince him to fight his parents for this...the truth is each bit of contact you make just prolongs your sadness because you're never going to hear the words you're currently hoping for. Breaking off all contact with him is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know it's difficult and I'm not going to lie, this next month is going to be absolutely awful, but the good news is it WILL get better. Until it does and you've given yourself time to heal (and while it doesn't seem like it at all right now, you WILL heal, I promise) please don't jump into an arranged marriage or setup. It's not fair to you or to the next man who falls in love with you to start a life with him until your heart and mind can TRULY be with him, and not lingering in the past.

i wish you all the best...feel free to contact me if i can help in any way :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: miserable27
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 1:36pm

i cant stand the thought of my life being determined by a random astrologer! why shld i-as a rational person-be forced to beleive in smthg so stupid!??? i love him so much! and i wld have been the best daughter-in law ever to make them accept me. it their loss, i know. but what abt my loss?

i am freaking out at the thought of telling my parents. they will be so mad! this was the first big decision i made in my life- to be with this person. they trusted me and my choice and now its all down the drain. i wish i were just dead so this is all over. what shld i do? how do i tell them? i want to move on-but i still ahve this to face. plus the thought of meeting other guys ........i know i will have to agree to that cos my parents wld like that.

what shld i do? work is not helping. it takes my mind off this. but it all comes surging back afterwards..........i wish i were feeling angry at him. then i cld at least take some of the hurt out as anger and call him names etc. but i cant! he was crying teh last tim ei saw him...........he is a victim too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
In reply to: miserable27
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 2:06pm

thanks lush1978. and to pianoguy too. i really appreciate your help.

lush1978-how did u deal with your parents? did they know abt your ex? were they mad abt it? cos mine are going to be super-mad! as you might well know, (at least according to my mom) its difficult finding guys for girls above a certain age. plus apparently i am over-qualified (going to be PhD). so my parents are going to be devastated that they ahve to find someone for me when i am 27 and they were getting really good matches over teh past 3 yrs.

i guess i have nothing against arranged marriage now since i dont feel capable of going thru the love cycle again.......but how to deal with teh interim period? i wish i cld just try to put this behind me-girls nite out, road trip with girlfriends etc............but the consequences of this are so much! i dont even want to go home anymore and face them. the one decision in my life that i made without their help has just fallen flat. will they ever trust me again? will they even like me?

pls tell me how you dealt with all this? did things turn out ok for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: miserable27
Thu, 07-14-2005 - 4:13pm

miserable27...

You've really got Pianoguy confused this afternoon!

For a woman who is about to obtain her PHD....why in the world would you 'subject yourself' to an arranged marriage with anybody? Most women (and men) who possess above normal brain cells (aka SMARTS) are usually capable of making their own choice when it comes to a mate.

There's no reason to consult with anybody else....whether they happen to be your parents or are "astrologically gifted!"

Maybe you need to think about cultivating a few TRUE FRIENDSHIPS instead? This might work a considerably better than making the assumption that you have to put yourself through another "love cycle?"

Good Luck!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
In reply to: miserable27
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 9:48am

Miserable,

Just to give you a some hope, it's been more than a year since my ex and I broke up, and I can truly and honestly say I'm happier and better off than I ever was. There is no way that I could've ever considered I'd feel this way when it actually happened and in the month or after it, b/c I was competely miserable, crying constantly, wondering what he was doing, hoping he'd change his mind, dying to hear his voice. It was horrible going from talking 5-10 times a day to nothing at all PLUS with the knowledge that the supposed love-of-my-life was now seeing someone else just 24 hrs later (dating a girl his parents chose for him). BUT after a cpl of months, I started to take him off his pedestal, starting to see all the cracks in our relationship that I never saw before and all the reasons why a marriage with him would've ultimately been a big mistake for me (his lack of a backbone being a major one). I know that right now you think your ex is perfect for you and that your one chance at true love and happiness is gone now but just remember, if he WAS your soulmate, he would've fought for you...it's just that simple. Don't make him out to be a victim in this too just because of his tears - he promised you a future together and he's the one that backed out. Your perfect man would never have made you feel as bad as you're feeling now...

No, my parents didn't know about him. While I was dating my ex, they repeatedly asked me to meet other guys (for potential marriage in the future) but I refused which definitely pissed them off...this was difficult as I'm very close to my parents but I felt it was worth it regardless. Yes, your parents are going to be very angry, and yes there's still that ridiculous notion that a woman in her late 20s is past her prime but listen, they WILL get past this because they really have no alternative. They love you, they want you to be settled, yes, but they also want you to be happy. I know it must be so hard to go to them and tell them that it's over with your ex but the sooner you do, the better - they'll be devastated for now, but in time they'll get past it and so will you. If you think an arranged marriage is right for you, then meet the guys your parents want you to, take some time and think about it, and don't rush into anything...give yourself time to heal and you're going to be just fine. I know you feel like you don't have that time, that you need to meet and marry someone right away to appease your parents but this is completely not right for you...meet guys, see what you think, but prolong the decision of marriage until it's truly what you want.

I really hope things get better for you soon...I know you're going to be just fine, just give yourself the time you need to get through all of this :)

Pianoguy, on topic of why someone might choose an arranged marriage...its not really what it used to be. Now parents are more of the matchmakers, planning meetings with other sets of parents, where they introduce their children, allow them to get to know each other and maybe date for a bit. While the family of course has input, the ultimate decision about marriage is up to the couple themselves. In some indian culture, marriage is not so much considered the merging of two people...instead, it's the merging of two families (and in some cases, the daughter leaving her own family and becoming a part of the husband's family) which is why a person's choice of mate is considered a family decision rather than the choice of the couple themselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: miserable27
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 11:57am
Unfortunatelly, he's the one who has the issues of not wanting to hurt his parents. You can't do anyhting about it, it's his decision. Since this situation is 8 days away from your leaving, I'd say "It's your desicion and only yours" and leave it alone. I'd go home and face your parents, move on and wait to see if your BF makes up his mind. It appears that he's faced with the choices of "his parents OR you". It's possible that his fear to hurt his parents may be stronger than his desire to marry you. Be repared for the answer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: miserable27
Sat, 07-16-2005 - 1:43pm

lush1978...

Pianoguy isn't knocking the concept of "families merging together!" It's a wonderful idea if both halves of the couple are happy?

However, most couples I know usually assume that their marriages are going to be EVERLASTING WITH ONE PARTNER! So this was the reason I responded the way I did. I just found it puzzling that a woman who practically has her PHD degree would permit herself to be "manipulated" by anybody...especially when it comes to marriage!

Pianoguy

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