I need HELP! Breaking up twice?!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
I need HELP! Breaking up twice?!!
2
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 12:41pm

Hey guys, I need your help. It's a complicated situation as most of them are but here is the condenced version. 5 months ago he left me (we were living together) after 4.5 years over the fact that I kissed a co-worker of mine. One kiss, one time that I owned up to immediately when I got home that night. At first he was mad, but wasn't going to leave. Then after a few days, he decided that he couldn't get over the fact that I work with the guy & would have to see him everyday so we broke up & he moved out. I think we were able to go a total of 3 days with NC & then we both couldn't do it anymore. Despite how mad & upset he was he said that he couldn't & didn't want to go the rest of his life not seeing or talking to me, that I am his sanity. At first, I didn't resist the break up because we had some other issues that needed to be addressed besides the kiss. We began working on those things & I realized that I wanted to be with this man for the rest of my life. He says the same thing, but he has not worked thru the fact that I kissed another man & quite frankly doesn't know how long it will take. So, I began talking to other men & he was talking to other women. All the while going thru the sham of being "best friends". Except that I still feel the commitment to him & actually feel bad when I talk to other guys. He's now decided dating is not a priority & isn't seeing anyone besides me. He says I'm the only woman he concerns himself with or cares to talk to & I see that, he's not lying or feeding me a line to stay close. It's like we've not broken up at all, except that emotionally he has distanced himself from me somewhat because of the kiss. We still go out together, stay the night, he calls 3-4 times a day just to say hi or see what I'm up to etc but we are not back together or hold the title of dating.

The real dilema is I am not over him & this best friends BS is not working for me. I'm trying to get out & meet other men, but my heart isn't into it. We both have good days & bad days. There will be times that he calls or texts me about how badly he wants to be with me & loves me but when I try to talk to him about getting back together he changes his mind & says he's not ready yet. Or I'll tell him those thing & he'll get mad because I'm pressuring him. What I know & realize is this pattern is not healthy for me. That despite the fact that we love each other that we are not right for one another at this point in time or maybe ever. And us being friends is also destructive right now because I am not in a place that allows me to take his caring & concern & not make it be about him wanting me back.

I need to "break up" with him, I just don't know how to do it. I mean he is here in my house right now. I went to his neice's bday party with him last night & he stayed the night. How do I tell him that I can't see or talk to him right now because it hurts me too much? That someday I want him in my life but until I can get over him & the fact that our relationship is over in that way I just can't?! And how do I actually stick to that? He is my best friend & when something happens he is the first person I want to tell & vice versa with him? I mean I have tried not talking to him without actually telling him that's what I was doing. And I can never stick to it nor do I want to. Yet I also can't stick with the arrangment we have right now because it is not emotionally fufilling as a real relationship and that is what I want & what he is not willing to give to me right now. As much as I want to, I can't wait for him to work thru his issues about the kiss. I need to be the strong one between the both of us & stop the vicious cycle that we are both trapped in. It's like neither one of us wants to let go, but he can't or won't make the effort to make it work, so I've got to be the one to make the change. Please help me & give me some guidance on how to do this & stick to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 2:47pm

Hi kritty77 and welcome to the board,


Would he be willing to go to couple's counseling to help him get over the betrayal of the kiss - do the work that could keep the two of you together?


::There will be times that he calls or texts me about how badly he wants to be with me & loves me but when I try to talk to him about getting back together he changes his mind & says he's not ready yet.


I wonder if he's slowly trying to wean himself from you or if he's just doing the push-pull thing because he's still hurt and angry and doesn't know how to move through it? (hence the suggestion of counseling)


::How do I tell him that I can't see or talk to him right now because it hurts me too much? That someday I want him in my life but until I can get over him & the fact that our relationship is over in that way I just can't?!


That's exactly what you say: I can't see or talk to you right now because it hurts me too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2007
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 6:06pm

Hi-

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To be honest the kiss isn't the heart of his hang up. He had things happen in his childhood w/ his parents that he links his inability to forgive for betrayal. He harbors harsh feeling towards his father & they barely speak. He has told me that he "hated" me at first like his dad, but over these past 5 months has worked his way through it & has come to realize that he wants/needs me in his life. He could never hate me and that to him, he says is a huge step that he wouldn't have ever thought he could do before. But he isn't to the point where he feels he can date me again. He believes that if we just give this time & stay friends that it will help him work through his issues & we can be together later down the road if I didn't meet someone during that time. I guess he's talking about re-building our trust through us being friends. I haven't suggested counseling but I know that he will tell me that he doesn't have the money right now to go to counseling. Even though he knows that he should be seeing someone, he has been diagnosed with MDD (depression). That is a whole different story with us though.

I talked/argued with him about this today. He says I'm not respecting him & his position. His position being that he doesn't want to date me or anyone right now because he can't get over what happened. He's still angry & hurt. My position being if we LOVE EACH OTHER and want to be TOGETHER, then let's work this out TOGETHER. Why push each other away & add 3rd parties (date other people) to the equation, it will just make it more complicated. And if what he really wants in the end is us together, then why waste all this time being apart. Let's do the work together & support one another, why do it alone? He is definately doing the push pull thing. I really think he believes he is compromising our positions by staying best friends while working this out. Theoretically, we are doing it together just not as a couple.

I hate how this whole situation has turned me into this weepy whiney girl who can't stick to what she says or accept what she is being told. He gets to keep his sanity & the person he feels most comfortable with & he gets all the comforts of a relationship without actually being in the relationship, physically & emotionally speaking. I on the other hand am not, I am stuck in limbo with a psuedo relationship that is unfulfilling emotionally & not feeling like I am free to look for a real relationship.

Thank you for adding the links to those other discussions. I will try to incorporate some of the suggestions & see what happens. I need to go with NC to wean myself from wanting to talk to him so much. I need to make him not such a large part of my life anymore. Maybe then, we can truly have that friendship he says he needs so much, without sacrificing my happiness & selfesteem.