I need to just let go...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
I need to just let go...
4
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 4:56pm

hello everyone,

It's been a few weeks since my last post. I know in my last post, I talked about how my exGF, who wanted to get back together with me, had this other male friend come and stay with her for a weekend. Anyways, that weekend didn't go very good for me cause I talked to her every night the week before he came and told her that I wanted her back. She said there really wasn't much she could do to stop him from coming, cause he already bought his plane ticket. I found out this week that since that weekend, she has ended things with him cause she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. I think she's lying to me. For reasons I'll get into later. Last night, I called her to tell her that she still had some more stuff in my apartment and wanted to know when she wanted to meet to pick it up. Well, she was with her mom, shopping for whatever. Anyways, this has always been a problem with our relationship. My exGF grew up taking care of her brother and sister cause her mother was never home. Always working... Anyways, she made sure there was some order in the house when her mom was out of town. Made sure the bills were paid, laundry done, and the house clean. Her family depended on her or took advantage of her. Well, that was back when she was in like in junior high, etc. And it still goes on to this day. Her older sister, who isn't married but lives with the father of her two boys, seems to be the worst. She is always asking or calling for help with the kids cause her man doesn't do anything. But, I have a hard time believing that cause I really think she won't let him do anything for her. I've seen him try to do something nice for her and even the boys, but she just complains that it isn't right or good enough. My exGF would go over there every day before work. She said she just wanted to see her nephews, but it always turned in to taking care of them while their mom got ready for work. OK, not that big a deal. But when it came time for us to do something together, it was always interferred with by her family. It was like they never respected me cause I wanted some alone time with my girlfriend. No phones ringing, no stopping over, etc. I've talked to her about this all the time and nothing changed. Her mom would volunteer her for work trips for weeks on end. Then I would find out about them a week or so later. But when it came time for us to do something, he mom was the first one to call on the trip or the first one to tell her she had something else going on and we couldn't do anything.

Anyways, when I called her last night, there was a comment made by her mom that kind of hurt me. You see, I'm starting to get really skinny cause I don't eat much anymore. Anyways, her mom said that it was because of heart ache and they thought that was funny. I understand it was a joke, but I never did anything like that to deliberately hurt my ex or her mom. He mom has never really respected me. I built this huge ourdoor patio for her, there's a different name for it... A pirogola. Not sure on the spelling, but I built this things and when she had her birthday party and all her friends were there, she told everyone that her son built it. Not me. He did help, but I did practically all the work. Plus, I never go a thank you from her for taking the time to build it cause her son didn't have a clue how to do it.

ANyways, I'm just upset and somewhat angry about all the comments being made. I think it is probably the best to just move on cause she will never let her family go and they will never stop depending on her. I'm not against her family or people that hold family close to them. But when it becomes your life and you sacrifice apart of your own happiness of being with someone or the relationship really suffers, I don't agree with that. Maybe I'm wrong for wanting more from her. I don't know. I just think I would be better off looking for someone else right now. Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 5:13pm
Just broke up with my boyfriend for a somewhat similar situation, i am 36, he was 28, still lived at home with mom and dad, his sister who is now 30 had a child out of wedlock, the parents built an addition on their house so the sister and child live there rent free, so its him his parents, his sister and his now 11 year old niece, everything he owns is in his mothers name, car, car ins, his checking account has his older sisters name on it because she pays his bills for him, his mother does his laundry, cleans his room, and recently just paid $2000 to redo his bedroom! Now he has a great job, makes at least $50,000 a year, drives a $40,000 truck that he can afford because he has never had a mortgage or any real bills to pay and lives rent free at home, now when he met me I had my own townhouse but was in the process of selling it and me and my sister getting a home together since she lived in a townhouse too and we figured we would get one big house and share it, well needless to say that was the beginning of the end, even though I put up with not even being able to sleep in a bed at his house because his parents didnt approve, ( had to sleep on a pull out in the basement with the door locked so his niece wouldnt see us) when I did stay there and he became angry and distant with me because I moved in with my sister! Where I can sleep in my own bed and bring home whoever i want whenever I want because its mine! His mom was included in every decision he made, he would call his mommy and let her know he wasnt coming home when he was staying at my house, they go on 4 family vacations a year together and when i tried to get him to break the strings, he said I wasnt family oriented and he needed someone who was ! I even took him on vacation a month ago for his birthday to las vegas, when we got there he said he wanted to go home, that his mom wouldve had everything planned and this winging it stuff wasnt for him, and then when we got home his mom says to me "next time you plan a vacation around his birthday can you let me know, we usually have a cake and stuff and we had to postpone it now" are you kidding me! this is a 28 year old man who she will just not let grow up and he is perfectly happy going along with it and I in the end was the one that suffered for it because I am sure when I wasnt around she was telling him to get rid of me because she wanted him home with her every nite
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:04am
Well, that sounds like a tough situation to be in. I feel the same way at times, where if we did try getting back together, this whole thing will happen again. I was accused of not being family oriented and that was just plain bull! There isn't anything I wouldn't do for my family, including uncles, aunts, and cousins! But, they also understand that I have my own life and I need to live my own life! My parents show me the respect of asking me what my plans are for this or that, and asking me if I want to do this or work around things to celebrate birthdays and holidays. With my ex, it was always this is when my mom is having dinner for Christmas or some other holiday and we have to be there. She always said I didn't have to be there, but I knew if I wasn't, her family would disown me. I remember all the holidays that we spent together and there was only one time in five years that she came to my families Christmas. All the other years, I left my families Christmas early to go over to her families. I even mentioned this to her many times. It wasn't just Christmas either, it was all the holidays. It was like she couldn't just break off from them. I mean, what would be so wrong with either splitting time on those nights, or going every other year to spend the holidays with them? There wasn't any compromise when it came to family functions. And maybe not much compromise with anything else. At times, I felt like I was trying to change her and that is totally not fair. But, on the other hand, I loved everything about her and didn't want her to change who she was, but just change some of her behaviors. I knew how close she was to her family and that's fine. But show me some respect. Do things with me, make plans with me, and surprise me. I mean, make a point to do something with me and I will not care as much about you seeing your family so much. But, there needed to be some space there and some respect. I don't know, the more I keep thinking about things, the more I just want to walk away and just end it all. I understand that we are both different people, but the thing is there was a time when she did put some seperation between her family cause she was so happy with us. Now, it was like they told her to do her own thing and everything else. She always said that she wanted me to make plans for us during her busy season at work. Well, I did and most of the time, she would just say no and then we would sit in a I'd watch her fall asleep on the couch. Or she would just go and see her nephews or take care of one of her friends wedding showers. OK, I understand the wedding shower thing, but when you aren't standing up in the wedding and you aren't that close to this friend, you don't need to take care of things and make sure things are planned correctly. I don't know, I'm just sick of fighting to get some of her time. Well thanks for the comments. It is greatly appreciated.
Utah15
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:44am
Yep, I can definitely relate, but actually his problem is now my problem, because his family was so close and did everything together, i became a part of that for a year, going everywhere and doing everything with his family, my friends tried to warn me, not to get too close to the family and get attached, because he was still very young in so many ways and not ready for a real adult relationship, but I didnt listen, I called his parents mom and pop for crying out loud, and he pushed so hard for me to bond with them, I felt like I had to prove myself to them and him over and over that I really was into a family situation. We actually went on a vacation with them to florida a few months ago, and me and him had to sleep in the same room with his sister and his niece, and when I suggested getting our own room, well everyone practically had a stroke, like they were really angry! I was like I am a 36 year old woman sleeping in a room with my boyfriend and you will excuse me if i dont want his sister and his 11 year old niece around! They just didnt get it and neither did he. So now I miss him and the family I came to bond with
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 11:17am
I hear ya! I miss her so much now, but am coming to terms that this is better off. The other day, I replied to her email about something and then I went off in a different direction. I really think that it was her family that ruined us. It wasn't that we didn't get along or we didn't love one another. It was we never just had "our time." It was always something for them, or it was her working ungodly hours at work. And last year, she was diagnosed with depression and panic attacks. I wonder why? I told her that her job is one day going to kill her and if she doesn't start doing something for herself, she is going to one day realize that she missed out on alot of wonderful things that were sitting there at that time in her life. We took a trip once to upper Michigan, and I told her that I only wanted us to do something that weekend. A day before we left, she told me her sister and nephews were coming up too. That really set me off and she knew it. She was trying to be all nice and everything, but it was at that time that I finally realized that this is how it's always going to be. And I don't want that. In five years, we went on one trip by ourselves. And that was to Cinncinati, OH cause she had a business trip to take. Sure everything was paid for, but what about just us taking a trip or planning a trip with one another. Where work isn't involved or her family isn't there. And then how do you tell someone you think they spend too much time with them? It just doesn't work, cause then the family will turn on you later on. I don't know, we are suppose to talk tonight, but I think I'm just going to give her the rest of her things and call it good. No sense on living the rest of my life with someone that isn't willing to have our own life. Well talk to you later.
Utah15