I Need Serious Help Getting over this

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
I Need Serious Help Getting over this
6
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 5:58pm
Since July of last year I was dating, then living with a man, 42 years old. He at first lavished me with a trip to Vegas in Sept. and shortly after moved in with me. He claimed to be self employed and was having trouble finding work in painting, house remodeling and the like. The months past quickly and he still was only working off and on, mostly off. Christmas came and he didn't have any money to get me anything and I said that was Ok and made his holiday really nice. Valentine's day came and he wrote me a beautiful note and a card promising there was a surprise to come that evening, yep, he borrowed $ 40 off of me to pay back a friend. Offered to fly me for my to my oldest friends daughter's wedding which was on my b-day. A little more than a week from my b-day in April he disappeared until 1:30 AM in my truck, oh, forgot he didn't have a vehicle on the road at the time. Furious I demanded my keys when he did show up, moved out the very next day. Missed my friend's daughter's wedding and we did talk. He wanted me to wait to see him until he got his 1985 van back on the road, I agreed. In the following weeks I only saw him a handful of times and most of that was tending to the garden we planted earlier in the spring. My best friend's b-day came and her boyfriend, of about the same number of months, lavished her with a diamond bracelet. I was totally crushed, hurt because he didn't even spend my b-day with me.
Now for weeks we haven't even talked because I demanded we get to the bottom of all the problems and he insisted that he go to a wrestling match instead. I love him and feel so lost without him, but I know I'm better off. Oh, did I mention that all the months he lived here he contributed about $300 to bills, my mortgage alone is $ 2100 a month. Please give me some ideas of how to forget him all together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 7:13pm
To forget about him, think about what a losser he is. He lives off of women like you, who love men who are leaches. He can't hold a steady job, but can spend money, that he borrows form you, on trips and friends. Look at all the red flags before moving in a man into your home. Usually, men who move in and are jobless are lossers taking what they can for the time they can. Soon after they move out they find another woman who is willing to care for them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 7:28pm

We're about the same age, so I'm thinking that usually by the time you slide into your 40's you learn not to jump into things quite that fast. Lots of things you should have known before you moved in together which could have saved you not ony the heartbreak but some money too. Learn your lessons on this one, kiss the money goodbye and change the locks on your doors. This man has no future with you that doesn't involve taking money and space from you. Don't you think you deserve better than that? You do. Believe that and start taking care of yourself. It takes time, but we're all working toward the same goal. I wish there were a quick fix for us, but there just isn't.

I'm sorry you got hurt. It will get better!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 7:26am
I appreciate everyone's up lifting comments so much. This person was someone that I have know for years, just in passing and brief converstation. Said all the right things, like, he wanted to be with me for a long time and never thought that he could stand a chance. I went through a 6 year relationship with someone who took me for the biggest ride of my life and as far as love, over that years before. The only thing that kept me attached to him at all was the fact that we bought a house together and neither one wanted to give it up. Ultimately I had to buy him out at almost triple the original price paid for the house, walked away with $ 112,000 cash. For about 2 years we lived in the house, in two different bedrooms and had no relationship at all. So when I met this man I wanted companionship and someone to come home to after a long day at work. I have four horses, golden retriever, cat and some fish, but they just don't provide much conversation over dinner. I am 44 years old and have a bad habit of getting involved with younger men because I look much younger, as I am told, not trying to brag. He was close to my age and when he said he had his own business I thought that he worked. Seemed so perfect, we liked the similar things and sex was great, he liked to cuddle on the couch, all the things that I had missed for a long time. But now I really think it was all part of the game, figuring me out and knowing I was attracted to him, he used as leverage. It's just a mess and after all the other stuff I went through, learned to fight to keep my home and to find myself alone, confused and some are right, less extra cash that I once had.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 7:50am

Been there, done that. Lonely,needy, hungry for human touch and has landed me a fruit loop or two and more than one lesson. I think one of the most important lessons we can all learn is exactly what this board is set up to do, help us heal, feel better about ourselves and being alone before we move on. If we don't learn that, we're all gonna end up making the same mistakes over and over.

Don't beat yourself up over it. I'm 44 too, lots of living left in us and we should be able to do it and enjoy it on our own and not make a man responsible for our happiness. Am I saying that we all should be delighted to spend the rest of our lives alone? Nope, humans are social creatures. I'm just saying we shouldn't be miserable or doubt our self worth if we don't have a man in our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:46am
I am in mind completely with you. There are days that feel like I'm so very miserable and other days where I can be happy. I think the worst thing is that all of my friends are in relationships or married. Feeling like a constant third wheel all the time gets you down even more. The fact that you were once a "we" or "couple" makes you feel even worse, the constant asking "Why, Why Me?", "What did I do in my life to deserve this?" are questions that are always in my head. I treat people very well and expect very little in return, but it's always viewed as too much by the men I'm involved with, and others from the outside tell me that isn't asking for enough. I suppose that I've just never got over so many huge, life changing things to be able deal with the present. In 99 I lost my mother, three months later I lost my fiance' and home to another woman, co-worker, over a year of history behind my back that I had no idea that it was going on. Did recieve some therapy shortly after that and was told that there really isn't anything mentally wrong, just that I don't know how to go through a greif process therefore usually not recovering before I have to deal with some other life change. This last man, Robert was just so perfect to me, at first, then it became more evident that he was just using me and when I removed all the things he needed from me he has completely ignored me. Even has left some furniture, not anything worth much, and some other items refusing to even talk to me to make arrangements to pick them up. I have left numerous messages and he won't answer his cell phone, but I do know that it works because he has called a mutual friend. So his previous excuses of it got broken, I lost it, dropped it in water, etc. can't work this time because it's obvious it works fine. The bad thing is if he doesn't get his stuff I almost feel that it is left there to force me to deal with him later, perhaps after I have gotten over all this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 9:15am
Sounds like time for a yard sale! Don't call him. Seems like you have made a good faith effort to return his stuff. Put it out in the yard and see what you can get for it!