I need some advice---please!!
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I need some advice---please!!
| Thu, 04-12-2007 - 12:51pm |
I have been married for 16 yrs. to a verbal abuser. We have 3 girls---15, 12, and 5.
We have tried counseling on and off for a few yrs. now.The last time we went which was last month, the counselor basically told me to leave him. He knows this. My problem is that he is trying to change. I can see improvement, but I just don't have the love like I should for him anymore. I am so scared to tell him this because as far as he is concerned, he thinks he has changed. He doesn;t understand that he has put me through so much misery that my heart just isn't in it anymore. I feel so sorry for him and I don't want to hurt him. My oldest daughter is already resenting her daddy. I don't want that for her, so that is another reason I think it is best for him to leave.She is extremely angry at her daddy. I also have met a man who is very loving and kind and I feel a connection to him as he does for me. We haven't slept together. It is just conversation.He is being very supportive and not pushing me into anything. He is just wonderful--what a normal real man is supposed to be.
I have never had feelings for another man or thought about being w/another man until recntly. So if I have feelings for this man, don't you think that tells me I should end it w/my husband?
I know my H will blow up when I tell him that its over. He has broken my heart too many times and I have had all I can take. I haven't eaten very well Or slept much for 5 days now over this! I guess my other question is should I still give my H another chance or just tell him its over?
Thanks so much!!
We have tried counseling on and off for a few yrs. now.The last time we went which was last month, the counselor basically told me to leave him. He knows this. My problem is that he is trying to change. I can see improvement, but I just don't have the love like I should for him anymore. I am so scared to tell him this because as far as he is concerned, he thinks he has changed. He doesn;t understand that he has put me through so much misery that my heart just isn't in it anymore. I feel so sorry for him and I don't want to hurt him. My oldest daughter is already resenting her daddy. I don't want that for her, so that is another reason I think it is best for him to leave.She is extremely angry at her daddy. I also have met a man who is very loving and kind and I feel a connection to him as he does for me. We haven't slept together. It is just conversation.He is being very supportive and not pushing me into anything. He is just wonderful--what a normal real man is supposed to be.
I have never had feelings for another man or thought about being w/another man until recntly. So if I have feelings for this man, don't you think that tells me I should end it w/my husband?
I know my H will blow up when I tell him that its over. He has broken my heart too many times and I have had all I can take. I haven't eaten very well Or slept much for 5 days now over this! I guess my other question is should I still give my H another chance or just tell him its over?
Thanks so much!!

Hi Maria,
I have a slightly different take from Sandra. Not about the other man--that I'm in complete agreement about--he needs to go while you focus on either fixing or ending your marriage. But honestly, unless your husband is going to individual counseling regularly, with a counselor who specializes in abuse, how is that change going to happen? My understanding is that only a VERY, very small percentage of people who are abusive are actually successful in changing, even WITH appropriate counseling. TRYING to change is not the same as succeeding. I'm guessing that maybe THAT is what your counselor was talking about--that your husband is not really doing the work necessary to change so leaving might be your only option. That doesn't necessarily mean the counselor is a bad one, just that he or she might recognize that at some point, continuing on the same path isn't a good idea, if nothing is really happening.
So--short term, I would end all contact with the other man, and take a few months (with individual counseling if need be) to evaluate your marriage and its chances for success as objectively as possible (recognizing of course that being objective is difficult where relationships are involved).
Sheri