I need some support
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| Mon, 01-23-2006 - 4:20pm |
Hi All,
The "brief" version of my story is that I was livinig with my boyfriend for about 4 months, and we'd been together slightly over a year. The end of November, we began having some problems. We kept saying we'd work on things, but after a month, I knew nothing was changing, so I took some things and went to my parents' house. We were supposed to spend a week apart, but at the end of the week, I decided I wanted a month apart. If we were meant to be, my bf should have waited for me to be ready to move back. We were still talking and seeing each other (dating), but I just did not want to be back and unhappy. We were supposed to be working on ourselves separately and together.
Well, at some point my bf told me he was going out to dinner with another girl (supposedly as friends). I was not happy, to say the least, but he did it anyway. I told him he lost me and I wouldn't take his calls. Eventually, I picked up the phone and went over and we talked. He apologized for hours. He deleted this new "friend's" phone number, etc. He said he loved me and just wanted to make me happy. I believed him.
Two weeks later, I had a feeling he was still searching to see "what else was out there." I don't think he dated anyone, but I think he was on the Internet looking for new friends. (Side note: he only recently moved here, after 8 years away, and most of his old friends have moved away, so he really is looking to meet friends. I just think he should be doing it by joining a softball team, not on the Internet!) Anyway, he denied talking to anyone else.
This past Friday, we were supposed to get together, but he was being wishy-washy. Eventually he said he'd call me that night to make plans, but he never did. I knew it was over then. The next morning he sent me an email saying how much he loves me and always will, but that he can't live with me. That was fine. I can move on. We IMed a bit that morning and I told him the only thing that upset me was I thought he was emotionally cheating on me (ie: talking to other women). He assured me he was not.
That night, I went out with a group of friends. Well, my now ex-bf walks into that very bar with another girl! This was not a friend b/c I know all of his friends. His eyes met mine, and he just ran out of the bar. Needless to say, I was devastated. It's one thing to break up, but now I have this image of him with another woman only 12 hours after we broke up. TWELVE HOURS!
This morning he called me twice and text messaged me to see if I'd meet him for coffee tonight. I'm not going, don't worry. But right now I just feel like I can't breathe. Why does he want to see me?!?!?!

Hi, welcome to the board.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I know it hurts. I think he probably wants to see you so he can explain and make himself feel less guilty. I know if I were you I would still be holding onto hope, but I don't think seeing him would really make you feel any better.
I know it is hard (nearly impossible), but try not to worry about what your ex is up to. One thing I have learned is that people cope differently. Just because he is out with someone else does not mean he has forgotten about you or doesn't care. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 15 months, and I am sure he is already going out with new people. We broke up briefly once before and I know he saw another girl for coffee during that time. I asked him about it and he said that when we broke up he was just really upset and needed to get out. We got back together and, maybe this sounds naive, but I really believe him. He is the kind of person that needs to be around others a lot, so for him, going out and doing something made him feel better. We had a really mutual breakup (I know, I didn't think there was such a thing before yesterday) and I know that if I said so, we'd be back together, unfortunately, we aren't right for one another. That said, I'm sure he's lining up dates or whatever to "fill the void" and it hurts to think about it.
After I've been through a breakup, I can't just go out and see someone else right away. I'm kind of a solitary person though. I need time to process everything and figure myself out first. My ex figures things out by spending time with others. We're just different in that respect (and about 1,000 other ways) and that's why I'm doing what I can not to think about what he is up to. In the end, there's a reason we broke up, and what matters now is accepting that our relationship is over and focusing on myself.
The future is uncertain and that can be really scary, but it can also be really exciting. I am excited about having more time for myself, working out more, spending more time with my friends, and eventually meeting someone new. I try to focus on the positive. I know that the pain is temporary. I think if you focus on those things, it can help you get through the rough times.
-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
It got worse. I did not want to go for coffee last night, but I figured I'd talk to him on the phone. He called me, but I wasn't home from work yet, so I called him back an hour and a half later. He didn't answer, and called me at almost 11pm. Turns out (and why he tells me this is beyond me) that he went out to dinner with a girl. So, he asks me to hang out, but then replaces me before I even give him an answer!
The hard part is that I want to have NC with him but I still have furniture there, so until I can situate myself and get my things out, I need to maintain some kind of contact. The worst part is that while we were on the phone, he started looking up prices for me to store my furniture in the storage unit across the street from the apt building! I was hysterical crying. I couldn't believe he was saying those things to me. And while I was hysterically crying, he just kept telling me to get over it and stop crying. Instead of being comforting, he essentially tries to make me feel like a baby because I hurt. I don't know how he got over me in 3 days, but he's already had at least 2 dates!
The thing about our situation is that I was the one who moved out. I knew we were not getting along, and deep down I wanted to break up with him, too. That doesn't mean that I don't feel the loss. And I don't understand why he doesn't feel any loss or miss me. All he wants to do is move on and replace me!