I NEED SUPPORT. FIRST DAY SINCE BREAK UP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
I NEED SUPPORT. FIRST DAY SINCE BREAK UP
12
Mon, 11-07-2005 - 5:51pm

Hi my boyfriend 23 i'm 31 of two years and half proposed to me last sept 13 my birthday. eventhogh he was young my boyfriend never act his age he was very quiet calm and pasive
did not like to go clubing or go out with his friends to flirt around. he used to see his friends once in a while. he was very faithful and loved me that's why i'm so shocked
he liked to be in his house all the time watch history channel and read the news. boring for somebody his age but that's how he was. i was o.k with that. he was very kind loving and caring but everything change when he proposed.since then i noticed him different he looked sad and down very distant too. i was worry so i decided to ask him yesterday to finally know. he told me he was not sure he wanted to be in a relationship he said relationships were too much work and worries that when he is by himself he is relaxed and do not have to worry about anybody than himself. i was devastated
i don't understant i was the best i coud be. i was very very consider not controling or jeolous when he wanted to go out with his friends i was fine with it. he used to tell me that i was a wonderful person compared with his friends girlfriends, that he was proud of me and loved me so much. so what is for him to much work??? we don't live together i never ask him for money.
he said "when you have a girlfriend you have to worry about if she is happy, to visit her, call her, being intimate, take care of her, and take her out. then he said it was not me that he will probably feel like that with anybody else and then he said "maybe i'm not a relationship person and i should be alone i was shocked!!!! then i ask him "for how long had you feel this way "he said i don't know . then i ask him why he gave me a ring last month and he said because i felt like it . i said so last month you wanted to be married and now you not a relationship person??? i asked him "is this what you really want? to be by yourself he said yeah then i said o.k and we hang up. it was hard for him to said this i have to ask him like: what make you happier this or this what do you want this or this?? finally he said it. he choosed to be by himself. but i still have a message from him from thursday telling me that he loves me very very very much (his own words)
now you can imagen how i feel what should i do if anything
i need some support and help. i cryed so much yesterday and today i feel crashed
please somebody tell me what can i think of that
my frieds are telling me to give him time that he might call shoud i have hopes??????


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2004
Thu, 11-17-2005 - 11:53pm

Hi Viv,
When I read your post, I thought of myself. I am a 40 year old who was engaged to a 31 year old. Although, it seemed you treated your fiance more better than I, the same applies. It has been 4 days since I have seen him and it gets harder each day. I tried calling him, emailing him, texting him and instant messenging him and all I get is "hi, I gotta go." I have known this guy for almost 7 years and dated for about a year and then reconnected 2 years ago. About being immature, I know that he tried his hardest to make me happy but since I was the main financial carrier in this relationship, I think subconsciously it bugged me and I became very controlling and micro managined his life. I figured if I was buying he had to listen to what I was saying....."SO WRONG." As I look bad it was a big mistake on my behalf and I am forever regretful for doing it. But I understand that even though I blame myself for the breakup, it really takes two to have conflict. I wanted to enclose the letter I wrote him. I told myself this will be my last letter to him...and only pray that he responds. Thank you so much for opening up on here and I wish you much happiness.

A friend.

Sol

"Please accept my deepest apology for hurting you, myself, and everyone around us. Words cannot express how sorry I am and how sad I feel inside. I let the devilish functions take ahold of me and get the best of me and turn me into a monster.

I let greed, anger and foolishness; the 3 great enemies take over my life and control it. I am ashamed of what I did especially being a Buddhist and believing in Value Creation, the sole anthem of my Buddhist practice. My relationship failed with you because, I lacked the wisdom to make it work. It was my unenlightened mind which was flawed.

I have read about suffering which says “that suffering is caused by looking outside oneself for the cause or solution to the problems. And the fact that I am suffering, it is my problem to solve. But unfortunately, I always looked outside of myself for the answers. I thought if I bought you things or took care of this or that, you will love me more and more. And all along you always told me that you loved me even if I didn’t do those things, but I was deaf to that and only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear.

I can go on and on about what I did for you rather good or bad. It all doesn’t matter at this point. What matter’s most at this point is that we have cultivated a relationship/ friendship for 6+ years. We both have faced many hardships, you financially and me, physically. Still we were able to survive those trying times.

Please don’t let this mishap destroy our garden that we worked so long and hard for. You may have opted to leave me but doing this would only cause you to miss the opportunity for personal growth and to have a better fulfilling relationship/friendship filled with happiness. If you just throw it away or set it aside, the growth you gained with just cause the same delusions and weaknesses to your future relationships, and nothing would change just suffering after suffering. Let’s don’t let that happen. Give our friendship the opportunity to flourish again. I truly want a friendship with you because I really love you as a person.

Please give us the opportunity to open dialogue and grow our friendship. I will always be here for you as I always have. Please be there for me and give us the opportunity to change our karma so we don’t have to carry this burden on and on.

I will give you the time you requested. I sincerely hope that you will look into your heart and not just see the pain I caused you but see the good I have brought to you too. I hope you can see my heart and forgive the pain I have caused you. I know I can be the greatest friend to you because I care for one but mostly because I have acknowledge the pain I have caused you.

With many hopes and prayers……I hope to hear from you.

Love you,"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 12:33pm
Don't grasp at straws. He was purging his soul, saying as much as he could, offered as much as he could, but he didn't say 'wait for me' or 'hold on until I get my act together'. Sorry, I don't see the 'hope'.


Carrie

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