I never thought about this before
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| Mon, 05-22-2006 - 9:06pm |
Wow, maybe I should have paid more attention to things.
I could be going out on a huge limb here, but I like to post to clear my mind.
My ex-bf knew I was going to quit my job to go back to school. It was going to take me four years, starting this September. He always said I should fast track, take stuff in the summer, take stuff online, so I can get done quicker. When I told him it would take me four years, he replied, "Four years? Four YEARS?" like it was a huge deal. Well, yeah, degree programs usually are four years.
Anyways, things happened, and I ended up quitting my job sooner than expected (January, to be exact). Of course, that was right around the time things were not going so great, according to him.
I remember getting so upset when he kept asking me about finding a job. His mom kept asking me and him if I'd found a job yet. My mind was so twisted at that point! I had just quit, which I knew I'd do in another nine months anyways, but some crazy things went on at work, and I was pretty much forced to quit. I didn't get a job. I didn't have an income. I felt terrible when we went grocery shopping, or went out to dinner. I offered to pay, but he refused to take my money. I had money, and I was willing to pay my share, but he refused. But they kept asking and asking if I found a job, or making comments about me not working.
It was a really trying time in my life, and of course, that whole time, he wasn't in love with me, just basically pretending. I'm wondering, could it have been the fact I was going back to school that turned him off initially? He was always so supportive of me returning to school to continue my education, and better myself, but was he supportive of me doing it, or supportive of me doing it with him in the picture. I think it was the first one.
He wanted to buy a house, something I couldn't help him do at the time. Maybe, just maybe, this had something to do with it? Who knows, maybe I'm just trying to find reasons as to why he *fell* out of love. Maybe he wanted to move on in life with me, and progress forward, but figured he couldn't because I was going back to school, with no income, and with a debt afterwards, and he just didn't want that at this point in his life.
I don't get why this would be a reason, and nobody knows except for him, but it seems odd to me that he *fell* out of love around the same time I made the decision to eventually quit my job and go back to school. But he was always supportive of it, and even the day we broke up, he said that had nothing to do with it. I think he was even the one that suggested I quit and go back full time, to finish it up.
I dunno.

I've been reading your posts for the past few days, and my heart goes out to you. You're hoping to find some reason that he may have fallen out of love with you so you can understand how it could have happened. But there probably isn't a rational explanation. The heart is not reasonable. This is something over which we have no control. What happened to you is awful, and if you can just understand why it happened you might be able to prevent it next time. But sometimes we just have to accept not understanding.
I hurt too, and I wonder every day if there isn't something I could have done or said that would have changed the outcome of my situation. My ex would have me believe that if I just give him some time, that if I am willing to work on our relationship that perhaps in time he will be able to make a deeper commitment. I'm not inclined to do this because I firmly believe that a year is enough time to know if you want to settle down with someone or not. I have given it a year and he doesn't know if he wants to marry me. I think if he doesn't know now there's no point in waiting for him to figure it out. I'm 43, and I'm not getting any younger. He feels I'm being unreasonable and insists on placing the blame on me.
I didn't mean to go on about me. This is about you. You have to let go and quit trying to understand why he fell out of love with you. It's just beyond your control. Focus on what you have control over: grieving, mourning, healing and starting anew with someone who will not leave you and who will be willing to grow, and love and learn with you.