I probably deserve this.
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|Fri, 10-29-2010 - 3:39pm|
Where to begin...
In late 2008 I went through a very, very rough breakup with T. T left me for another person and that feeling was incredibly hard to get over. The relationship was relatively short but I took the rejection extremely hard. It took me five months to pull myself out of it and feel like I was ready to start dating again.
It was then that I met L. We began dating and it was seriously wonderful. We were attached at the hip for about 5 months, and during that time we had the "past relationships' conversation. I told her about the breakup with T and how hard that had been on me. In retrospect, after that point, she was always a bit jealous and suspicious of T (we were still friends on facebook and she was still local). In any case, our relationship forged ahead. It was a good one and I was very much in love with her.
A sidenote: I have had alcohol problems in the past. I've been sober for 5 months now, which is a drop in the bucket, really, but it's important to this story.
One night we watched a movie that flipped a switch in me. I felt like I had to completely open up to L about my problems with alcohol, and start to address them. She understood, and I put the ball in her court as to whether we would stay together. She said she thought we should break up, but I think we both didn't really believe that it would be permanant. However, during that month-long period of separation, T came back into my life. We never "dated" but we were sleeping together and I very much wanted, despite being hurt so badly before, to rekindle things. However... literally the exact same thing happened again. She met someone else, and I was left in the dust.
A week or two after that, L and I began talking again. It felt like a fresh start, like the demons had been exorcised for me, and I didn't feel the need to tell her that I had seen T again in the interim. She didn't ask, I didn't tell. She found out, though, four months later when we were once again official, by reading my journal. I thought that was it, that she was done with it, but we somehow managed to work through it.
Flash forward to May of this year. L and I were still together, still very much in love, but we had been talking about moving in together and the thought of that frightened me. Her mom had just moved to Arizona (along with her entire support structure other than her friends -- her stepdad is useless) and I was afraid of being her sole support, and afraid of the changes living with her might mean for my life. Additionally, I had met another girl (A) in classes and forged a strong friendship with her. I could tell that A wanted to pursue things with me, and a big part of me wanted to pursue things with her. Things began to change between L and I -- more tension, more fighting, more doubts, until, finally, we decided to break up in June. In retrospect, honestly, I think the fact that A was in the picture prevented me from doing what I could to save my relationship with L. I began to see freedom as an attractive prospect, while being very very torn, because the sane part of me knew that my relationship with L, if I gave it all I had, was the healthiest thing for me. We could have saved it.
I dated A for a month and a half, never officially, and that entire time L was still in the picture. We would talk, occasionally see each other. She was very depressed and that depression worsened and worsened. I felt a responsibility to be there for her and did all I could. That effort on my part, I believe, cost me a chance at a relationship with A. In any case, I made myself available to L, even though we weren't together. A and I ended things. I remained friends with A, still talking to her and texting her occasionally. L and I began to grow closer together again.
Until I went over to L's to find her in bed sobbing, lights off, not having returned my phone calls for several days. I took her out to eat, rented a movie, and took her home. We were enjoying ourselves (as much as we could given her state) until I went to the bathroom and returned to find her reading my text messages from A. She lost it, hysterical, screamed at me to get the F out, asking aloud why she gave me more chances, that I'd never change. I left reluctantly. Three days later she tried to kill herself.
Her dad called me to tell me she was in the hospital and didn't want to speak to me until after she was out. I obliged. I spent those several weeks pulling my hair out with worry for her, beating myself up for being such an idiot, beating myself up for ever thinking the grass might be greener, wishing I had worked harder to save our relationship. After she got out of the hospital, she left for Arizona for a month to visit her mom. During that time, we talked almost nonstop. I felt like we were getting closer. I felt like, maybe, we would have a chance to try again. I wanted that, because I wanted her, and I thought I could make her happy, and atone for the things I'd done in the past. When she returned from AZ, she was distant. I didn't see her for another two weeks, and it was driving me crazy. I was wondering what she was doing, why she wasn't returning my calls, why she didn't want to hang out.
I finally saw her, three more times, before what happened this weekend. Two of the times we slept together and I slept over at her place. I honestly felt as though the feelings between us were coming back, that things were getting better, and I was very happy about it, until this last weekend. I had seen her on Thursday, slept over, and then didn't hear from her ALL weekend. I kind of brushed it off, although I was worried, and logged on Sunday to pay our ATT bill. That's when I saw how many text messages she had been sending, like 5,000 in two weeks, to one number, that wasn't mine. I kinda lost it.
I know this sounds crazy. We weren't together. We weren't dating. But realizing that she was seeing someone else (she finally told me after I asked her to be honest about what was up) was a crushing blow to me, and I'm not exactly sure why. I really really wanted to make things work. I really wanted to be a different "me" to her than I had been in the past. She knew I wanted that, and I thought she was opening the door. Boy was I wrong. And now she's infatuated with this guy, totally head-over-heels, and I feel rejected and heartbroken. Probably the way she did when she read my diary the first time.
So that's the story. She has gone completely cold to me, won't return my calls, that type of thing. I've stopped contacting her, but what hurts right now is how easily she has cut me off and moved on. If we hadn't seen each other, slept together, if I hadn't thought we were moving toward something, might be different. I thought we were. We weren't. And then she chose him.
I'm not sure how to feel. I'm still in that phase where I'm imagining all the amazing things about her and about our relationship and unwilling to give up hope that we might get another chance someday. This new guy is 31 (she's 21) and lives 3 hours away from her, and I keep telling myself things like "it won't last," etc, to make myself feel better. Silly, I know. In the end, I'm just jealous, rejected, hurt. I have a right to be, but I also think that this might be one of those... you reap what you sow situations.
No wonder she wants to get away. I would, if I were her. So why, now, is all I can think... "I should have tried harder. I need a chance to try harder. I want her back, I want to try again." Do I deserve another chance? Will I ever get one? Probably not. I'd really like to take the lessons and move on, but honestly, I'm grieving for this relationship for the first time since we officially broke up, and it's really, really hard. I feel guilty, regretful, and a great sense of longing for her.