I read THE EMAIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
I read THE EMAIL
20
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:01pm
There are so many new faces, here's a quick recap - I ended an almost-2 year relationship after my ex acted like a selfish, immature jerk when I had cancer. On what would have been our anniversary, he sent me an email. I have, until today, not opened that email. In part, it was because his prior emails to me were intensely negative (he told me he hated me). In part, I was sick of the drama. In part, I still loved (and love) him, and I know the line I was going to get was, at best, "we're terrible for each other and not meant to be." That hurts, even though I ended it.

About a week ago, he called, out of the blue, after 3 months of no contact, and we had a short, random conversation about not much at all. Someone suggested to me maybe he was calling to follow up on his email. It was weeks later, he never mentioned the email, but I suppose maybe...

Anyway, today, one month after he sent it, I opened the email. I'm going to post it below, then ask for any comments. Thanks for your support, guys.

"I've read your message several times now and I am sorry for the pain you feel. I wish I could have done better, I wish I would have understood more, or explained myself better. ... I would not have been able to state how you felt and that is my biggest fault. I failed to focus on you. I thought I was focusing on you - focusing my love and thoughts on you, but I was not finding out how you felt. I was not looking inside trying to determine how you felt and what I could do to make it better. I know that I failed miserably as a boyfriend; that we failed as a couple, but I don't think it is worth blaming anyone. This was a horribly painful experience and as evidenced by your message, that way for you also. I am sorry for the role I played in causing that pain. I will try to be a better friend.

... I keep trying to think of how it would have all been different, but I just can't come up with anything. I knew from the beginning that you needed more space, but I refused to give it to you. I only thought of myself and tried to pull you closer b/c I thought (as the greatest person ever) that being closer to me would necessarily make you happier. I am sorry that I am so egocentric; that I did not think more about your feelings; that I failed you. When you said, in an email, that I was horribly selfish -- it really stuck. I've been thinking about it ever since and you are right -- I am. I am very sorry that my selfishness caused you pain."

Edited 7/15/2004 3:20 pm ET ET by milton333


Edited 7/18/2004 12:14 am ET ET by milton333

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 11:20am
Okay, I sent him an email about my trial victory. Here's the response:

"That is so awesome! I would call that a victory anyday. I am very excited for you and will gladly buy you a drink in exchange for hearing your trial stories. I am sorry I didn't respond sooner, but have been in Phoenix all week. Please let me know if Saturday evening works for you. I'd also like to see your home and can drive out that way if you like. Just let me know. Again, you are awesome and should be very proud of yourself and all your hard work. You are going to be an awesome trial lawyer."

Crap, what now? What does that mean? Drinks? Saturday night? To go or not to go? Plus, I think showing him my house would be a bad idea, I don't want to be anyplace with a bed, we had amazing chemistry, let's not even invite that kind of problem. If I decided to go, how would I word it so it doesn't look like I'm refusing to show him my house?


Edited 7/18/2004 12:25 am ET ET by milton333

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 1:32pm
It sounds like he wants to be friends, good buddies, etc etc. He wants you bakc in his life but isnt willing to give you what you want and need.

Can you be friends with him and go out on casual evenings like this? Be clear about where ths is goind before hand or you will constantly wonder what he is looking for. I woudl let the cat out of the bag over drinks. Ask him if its friendship only he wants. I know it may be heavy for the 'first' date but necessary for you.

Also if it is just friendship ask yourself if you woudl be ok if he started dating someone. Thats my gauge. I can be friends when it wouldnt bother me anymore, but no sooner. Also be careful of him having you as a friend and occasionally bedding you. You said yourself you don't feel comfortable about havign him at your place due to chemistry. This seems like a slippery slope to me. Be clear as to what your needs are and don't sacrifice them. You may or may not be ready to be friends but either way make sure you are honest with yourself about what YOU could get out of this 'date' and whether or not its the right thing for you right now.

Also know that guilt is a powerful thing. I think often the dumper likes to be friends with the dumpee to appease their guilt. THe assumption being that "hey i couldnt have been that bad, see she still wants to hang out wiht me!" Be careful of that as sometimes people NEED to feel the guilt to deal with it and why they inflicted pain in the first place.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:01pm
Don't do it!!!! You know you're not ready to be friends with him...you're not completely over him yet. Thank him for his email and let him know you'll be in touch when you're ready to reconnect as friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:13pm
Milton:

Wow. What a tough decision. First of all, I wouldn't agree on such short notice. If you feel like you need to meet with him, you should maybe next weekend or the weekend after next. To me that's just rude asking to make plans one day before. I don't think it would be rude to just say to him about the house, "I feel that would be innapropriate given the situation". He doesn't really deserve an explanation in my opinion. You know, what is he trying to prove here? Does he feel bad because you are doing so well without him? I don't know. I wish you the best of luck in making what "you feel" is the right decision. It's your call, I will be thinking of you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 4:13pm
Okay, here's an additional "twist" - we broke up once before, about a year ago. We didn't have contact for a month, and I was taking a second bar exam so I was stressed out. A few days before the bar exam, he suggested we go out for a drink following the bar exam and "celebrate" that it was over with. I expected a "friends" thing, wasn't sure how I felt about it, but figured I'd always wonder if I didn't go. We spent the whole night just catching up (about 3 hours), then he walked me back to my car, we ended up in bed, he told me he loved me and had made a terrible mistake, and we decided to get back together. We were together about 9 months before the cancer thing did us in (I left him, by the way, this isn't a "dumper's guilt" issue). Does that change anyone's advice or perspective on what he's looking for here? Is "drinks to celebrate" some kind of code for "let's get back together"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 5:08pm
Milton,

I have been reading your posts and following your situation for a while. I may be in the minority, but I think that the recent happenings might just be good news. I seem to recall you saying that you wished for some sort of apology, or explanation - and now he's given it. Maybe it's not everything you hoped for, but it seems sincere. I have the feeling that you are not done with this relationship yet - and that, in your heart, you'd like to give it another shot. I can't see anything wrong with that. Perhaps this is your opportunity to see if that's a possibility.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 7:41pm
Wow!! I never expected to hear him admit how wrong he was......it's nice to know that he realizes he was wrong and is willing to work on it so he *can* be a better person.













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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 7:45pm
Thanks, reagan, for your message, and thanks for not giving me any tough love about being optimistic, I know it's probably not rational, but I'm glad someone understands.

Btw, he has called twice today to confirm the drinks thing tomorrow, and when I missed his last call he went to extraordinary lengths to explain that his computer wasn't working at home so he wouldn't get any emails I sent, so I should be sure to call him back. It was kind of cute, really, sort of nervous and neurotic. I'll call him tomorrow (might as well let him stew for a bit).

Can I lose 5 pounds by tomorrow? I'm sure I'm going to get a zit or something. Something about him makes me feel 16 again, nervous and with butterflies. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, and I'll try not to, but it will be good to see him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 1:28pm
You're welcome, of course. I guess I just think that when there's a lot of time invested and emotional involvement, it doesn't pay to be too quick to write things off. One has to tread carefully, but... Maybe it also comes from my own state of mind about my own situation. I'd like to get your opinions on that sometime...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 2:23pm
Past behavior is the best prediction of the future...... If this is the second time "drinks to celebrate" has been used as a post-breakup excuse to be friends - well, you gotta remember where it led previously...

Do you want to go down this road again?

You said cancer "did us in". What happens next time? If you're pregnant, if you're sick...

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