I really messed up

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
I really messed up
6
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 4:16pm

Hi all

To give you some background. WE dated for 2.5 years. Last November he was diagnosed with cancer. I cared for him this whole year and he broke up with me in a pretty cold way this past june. Leaving me very sad and depressed.

So I really messed up. My ex had asked me not to contact him and to give him space. I have just been unable to do that. We ran into each other on our ways to to work on Friday and had a nice talk. He told me that he cared for me and had seperated the person I am from what I was doing (compulsive calling) and that we just both needed time to heal. I had been good for a while until I found out he was seeing a new person.

I felt pretty satisfied but of course as break up goes, the person who is dumped is never really going to be satisfied. He has a new friend who's a girl and he refuses to tell me about her, which upsets me.

Well, I guess that wasn't good enough for me. Because I called him at work today and he told me that if I kept calling him he would take action. I asked what that meant and he said he would not get specific. I reall my a normal, professional person. Who pays her bills on time, has lots of friends is a good daughter etc. For some reason this break up has really brought out a side of me I don't care to ever see again. I am now wracked with guilt for harrasing him and I also am sad that he probably won't forgive me for what I have done.

How does one get over this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 5:11pm
....."For some reason this break up has really brought out a side of me I don't care to ever see again. I am now wracked with guilt for harrasing him and I also am sad that he probably won't forgive me for what I have done.

How does one get over this?....."


Same way you get over any behavior you're not proud of.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 5:15pm

Oh, I think we've all done things we are embarrassed about now when we were in the throes of getting over a breakup. Well, at least speaking for myself I know *I* have!

I think the best way to move on is to forgive yourself for doing what you did, while at the same time making a pact with yourself (and/or your friends and your therapist if applicable) to NOT engage in that behavior again. I find making myself accountable to others whose opinions and judgment I respect is very helpful in keeping myself from engaging in behavior that keeps me hooked in to an ex.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 5:27pm

Hi coolia,


You forgive yourself and move forward. It just takes some time and effort on your part. Sorry you had to go through this.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 6:05pm

Don't beat yourself over the past. We've all done stupid things. (16 ecards anyone? lol) Heck, some people here have done the compulsive contact thing for months on end before the succeeded maintaining that dreaded NC. And I'm CERTAIN that we're all successful people in our own right.

Sheri's way is one way of doing it I guess, the other is to remove the temptation. Leave the cell phone at home or change it to a beeper. Delete his number. Or have someone else do it for you. Once you get into the routine of not calling him, it'll get easier, but you need to start somewhere. I also found signing a contract with myself was helpful.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2005
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 9:47pm

I marked each day that I did not talk to him off on a calendar and rewarded myself when I hit 30 consecutive days. Once you hit 30, you don't want to break it, so you just keep marking them off until there's no need anymore and the desire to talk to him is gone.

I feel for you, I think we've all been there. Just remind yourself that calling him makes things worse, not better, and each call puts you a step back rather than forward. You can do it!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:42am

Thank you all for your words of wisdom I was feeling pretty low yesterday and was embarresed to even tell my friends what happened. But I talked to a friend and she had done something similar. I realize that while I did something creepy I'm not the first person to do it and we all make mistakes. This is what happens when you spend you life doing the right thing, when you do something wrong it just tears you up inside.

On that note, I received this note from my ex and am committed to not contacting him. He's of course a very nice guy.

"I want to tell you again what I said when we spoke before work on Friday. While I have been very upset by your calls and your questions, that does not have any affect on how I think of you as a person. You have been my very best friend, and you have been
such a wonderful help to me during my illness. My great affection for
you has not and will not change.

We will talk again when I'm fully recovered.

Please do not let yourself fall into any feelings of guilt or shame or
to spend any time or thought on self-blame. There is no
reason to do that. Take time this fall to take care of you and to be good to yourself. You are an absolutely wonderful person, and I do not want to think of you being hard on yourself.

All of that said, I will take your word that you won't contact me.
That would be better for both of us right now.

Love, as always,"