I relapsed and am back at square one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
I relapsed and am back at square one!
49
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:52am

I made a terrible mistake and called him on Sunday. I ended up going over there and we hooked up. Now I feel SO bad and totally at fault for being weak. He still does not want a romantic relationship with me and told me that he is completely over me because of the fighting we did for the past 2 months that drove him away and has made me "ugly" to him.

There is no other girl right now in his life and he would "love" to be one of my good friends but I "took that out of the equation" so there's basically not any sort of relationship between us. He doesn't care and I do. I'm holding on to something that isn't ever going to come back. The ironic thing is he was a terrible boyfriend - cheating, verbal, physical and emotional abuse - and yet I still want him in my life. He even admits to being a "terrible person". He said he couldn't believe that after all the pain he put me through, he still has to "convince" me to leave him alone. I can't though, I tried and I get so weak that any sort of connection with him seems appealing. I can't accept that he no longer wants to be apart of my life and does not want me in his, other than just friends. He said he's moved on completely and that hurts so bad because I'm still hurting so much!

So now that we hooked up on Sunday, I'm back where I started, only slightly stronger. I feel like I made progress by not contacting him for 2 weeks and then just gave all that work up for nothing! I feel awful right now. For the rest of you who are struggling with no contact...it really is for the best and relapsing by calling, seeing and/or sleeping with him/her is just not worth it! Please take my word for it...it's not a good idea.

Now I'm back at square one dealing with the salt I poured on my open wounds....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:21pm

I just got on here to report my own no contact transgression! Don't beat yourself up. If seeing him got you closer to accepting the end, then it's OK. Just start all over. Today is now Day 1 of no contact. You did it for two weeks, you can do it for another two weeks and then see where you are.

I got an email from mine this morning saying he didn't understand why I didn't want to be with him. WTF? He broke up with me on Thursday. I responded tersely and just said "You broke up with me -- don't twist things."

Oh my goodness, this breaking up stuff is so hard and so hurtful and so complicated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:27pm

What I truly don't understand and can't accept is that he was the one who mistreated me but yet he's the one who doesn't want to be with me! I should be in his shoes and he in mine but instead it's the complete opposite! I don't get it!

He cheated and lied and abused and now he is over me while I'm still pining for his affection!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:38pm

I'm right there with you sweetie. We did all the walking on eggshells, trying to make nice so not to throw them into a rant, and then when they call it quits, we're still begging for more abuse. Clearly there is something really wrong with us. We need group therapy with someone certified to diagnose whatever screwed-upedness we have.

I actually talked to my ex-H (who was not abusive, and sometimes has some pretty good insights) and he says that the withholding, breaking up, etc. is just all a ploy to gain control. They want us begging them to take us back because then they have the upperhand. His advice was the same as everyone here - take away the control by having no contact. But it's soooooooooooo hard (whining).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:45pm

I think that was the situation with me and the ex a few months ago but now I really do believe that he is ready and has moved on without the games. I feel that he really wants nothing to do with me...

It hurts so bad! Am I ever going to meet my soul mate? The one who I am supposed to be with? The one I don't have to work so hard for??? I'm 27 and it seems like all of my friends have a significant other and I'm beginning to withdraw from my friends because I don't want to be in the midst of couple-dom as it depresses me even more.

I'm in such a big rut right now! I can't even sleep at night. I'm already going to a therapist but until I see some sort of light in my future, nothing seems to be helping. I'm ok for a bit and then I relapse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:51pm

I have to believe that we'll meet our soulmates or I'll just curl up and give up. I'm 42 -- been through a failed 16-year marriage and now a 4 1/2 year long-term dating relationship. I'm feeling pretty cynical about meeting anyone. And you know how it is -- all your friends say "but you're beautiful and wonderful and of course you'll find someone," but it sure doesn't feel like that's a likely scenario right now. I don't even want to meet someone because I know my head isn't on straight enough to start a new relationship.

I understand 100% about not sleeping. I have a script for Lunesta, but even with that I wake up at 3:00 or 4:00 and just cry. I can't concentrate completely on my work. I know that I'm boring the hell out of my friends with my whining and depression. I wish I could just kick myself in the butt and stop analyzing and obsessing over this. I can do it for short periods, but it feels like that sadness and that longing is always right there, waiting for any opportunity to rear up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:00pm

I wish there was as subscription or a pill to take to just erase the memory of all this pain and him! I feel like the more I dig into this and call and text and email, it pushes him away even further but at times, I just can't control the urge.

Why is it that being strong for ourselves is such a hard task? Shouldn't it be one of the easier ones in life??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:39pm

Hi Mishmosh,

I completely understand and I'm not sure why it is not easier to be strong for ourselves. I am trying to figure out exactly what to do (see post http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22499.1). I know what I should do, I should run..but honestly, I can't help but think "maybe I can right this by agreeing to couples therapy." But then in another second, I think why am I going to go to couples therapy when I know he is going to blame everything on me and not to mention...isn't the relationship already doomed if your going to couples therapy only two years into a relationship???

Don't be so hard on yourself. YOU MADE IT THROUGH TWO WEEKS OF N/C! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Keep me posted, I am here if you need me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 1:45pm

I think that a relationship should not be work. It should be fun and exciting, not hurtful and formulaic. Jeez, why can't I take my own advice!!! I think that if both people want to work on it in couseling, than you should at least give it a try because if not, you'll wonder if it could've worked. If it's only one person pulling his or her weight, than its like trying to fix a broken glass...somehow, it just won't ever be the same before it was shattered into little pieces.

I think that if you love him and knows that he loves and respects you and WANTS to make it work, go for it. If not, move on...it will be painful but it will be worth it in the end. Again, why can't I take my own advice??

Good luck and thank you for being there....I'm down and out these days and wonder if I can get through this....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 2:44pm

Hi mishmosh,


Everything you feel is normal. There is something in you (self-esteem, ego) that wants him to 'love you', treat you right, to want you, to validate that you are loveable, that you aren't well, whatever you are feeling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 3:42pm

Mish,

I know what your saying...its so easy to give other people advice, but listening to yourself and following through on your own advice is so hard, sometimes downright impossible.

We will get through this, I promise. We'll get through it together! Just consider me your "lilrayofsunshine" [o.k., I know that was really really corny...did it make you laugh??...but I couldn't resist!! LOL!)

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