I relapsed and am back at square one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
I relapsed and am back at square one!
49
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:52am

I made a terrible mistake and called him on Sunday. I ended up going over there and we hooked up. Now I feel SO bad and totally at fault for being weak. He still does not want a romantic relationship with me and told me that he is completely over me because of the fighting we did for the past 2 months that drove him away and has made me "ugly" to him.

There is no other girl right now in his life and he would "love" to be one of my good friends but I "took that out of the equation" so there's basically not any sort of relationship between us. He doesn't care and I do. I'm holding on to something that isn't ever going to come back. The ironic thing is he was a terrible boyfriend - cheating, verbal, physical and emotional abuse - and yet I still want him in my life. He even admits to being a "terrible person". He said he couldn't believe that after all the pain he put me through, he still has to "convince" me to leave him alone. I can't though, I tried and I get so weak that any sort of connection with him seems appealing. I can't accept that he no longer wants to be apart of my life and does not want me in his, other than just friends. He said he's moved on completely and that hurts so bad because I'm still hurting so much!

So now that we hooked up on Sunday, I'm back where I started, only slightly stronger. I feel like I made progress by not contacting him for 2 weeks and then just gave all that work up for nothing! I feel awful right now. For the rest of you who are struggling with no contact...it really is for the best and relapsing by calling, seeing and/or sleeping with him/her is just not worth it! Please take my word for it...it's not a good idea.

Now I'm back at square one dealing with the salt I poured on my open wounds....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:13pm

thank you! and yes, it did put a smile on my face. I've been crying all day at work! At one point, there was a puddle of tears on my desk.

This is the analogy I gave him in an email this morning, to which he responded, "I completely understand 100%".

let me just give you an example of how i feel right now....

I bought a handbag that I so, so like, not in love with, just kinda like so I use it to the core--take it to concerts, outdoors, in the rain, snow, drag it through the mud, leave it places and neglect its condition and quality. Even though we had some good times and it served its purpose I decide that I'm just going to dispose this bag because I've made it all ugly and I just can't be seen or deal with something so horrendous!

I know it seems strange that I'm comparing myself to a handbag but it's in my line of profession so it's sort of common ground for he and I. I really hope to get through this. I mean, I have to. By the looks of it, he's not coming back and I really shouldn't go back. So there's really only one way for me to go and that's as far away from him as possible. How long this takes is the question....

Thanks for being here for me. I am here for you, and everyone else going through this pain.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:57pm

lil ray --

I think you are right on the money that relationships shouldn't be work. My dad has always said "if it's work -- get out!" And he and my stepmom never even quibble -- they just love each other and it's so easy, so I guess he knows.

Mishmosh--

I had a puddle of tears (lol - had to qualify that with tears, or it would've looked weird) on the bathroom floor earlier. Must be the stars are aligned badly or something. . . I'm going for a long walk when I get out of work to try and work some of this stress and grief off.

Been getting crazy emails from him all day and I've been so so so tempted to respond.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 7:44pm

Mishmosh/ lil ray/ Lawyermom---
I'm here with you all. The only difference is I'm okay at work. My problem is the weekends. I cried on and off all weekend just because. I don't call him and right now my cell phone worn't work so he can't call me either. As much as it stinks to not be able to contact any friends or family right now at least I can't sit by the phone waiting for him to call so I can not answer it. Like you all, I'm trying to move on from a guy that doesn't want to be with me anymore and it truely truely sucks. I really look forward to going to work on Mondays and that sucks even more :~)

I've interviewed for a job back in my home town and I really thought it was going to work out but now I'm not so sure. They called me last week and there as a problem with my credit report, which I knew was going to happen. I've had horrible credit since moving here and can't seem to get myself out of this hole. well the company called me and said that i needed to make arrangements with this credit card and then have a letter faxed to them showing that I've done this and the impression given was that I'd be offered the position once this was cleared up (that was Thurs of last week). Well today I got a letter from that company saying that there was some issues that came up that would affect them hiring me, credit being one of them. This letter was dated Friday of last week. Do you think that this means that once i get this letter (which should be tomorrow) that they won't hire me? I'm really concerned about this b/c this was my "out" from here and going to be my fresh start. I'm hoping that this letter is just a formality and they are still interested in me... I'm not sure that I'll be able to sleep tonight b/c I'll be worrying all night. Please please please say a prayer for me that they still offer me this job b/c I need to get out.

To all of you who are sad and lonely tonight-- here is a great big hug from me to to!!!
We're in this together and we'll get out of this together too. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. (and I won't let him get the best of me so I must be super strong like Hee Man by now)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 9:00pm

Belly --

What kind of job checks your credit score? Never heard of that. Do you need to be bonded for the job or something? Can you make arrangements for payments with the credit card company that will satisfy the new employer? I'm so sorry! That just sucks so much!

Here, have a kleenex and cry with the rest of us.

Just got another evil email from the BF saying that it's all my fault . . . he has a profile up on amateurmatch.com; he has an employee saying that they slept together around Christmas; he insisted on doing drugs (mushrooms) at a concert on Thursday night and was mad that I was upset about it; he was pissed because I went home after the concert instead of staying with him while he was on drugs. And I'm to blame? I'm just crying and crying because I cannot understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 9:45pm

At this time I think this discussion board and all of you guys are helping me through this. Its great that we are all here for each other.

I cried ALL day today, something I've never done before. My roommate doesn't understand why I am so sad and upset over someone who treated me so badly.

I hope that I can make it through tonight without calling him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 9:53pm
I suck -- I already called mine tonight. He didn't answer and I didn't leave a message. I feel like such an idiot for picking up the *&^*^*^*& phone. All he did all day was send me mean emails -- so I call him? Please, mishmosh, let's trade phones so that we won't be tempted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 10:34pm

Don't beat yourself up over calling him. I hooked up with last night! And he emailed me to say that it was a terrible idea. It hurts so bad that he can hook up with me casually and feel nothing else. I've been an emotional wreck ever since.

Be strong and let's take this day by day.

Well be ok-i hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:10pm
Lawyermom- I'm reading 'it's called a breakup because its broken' and its pretty helpful. Just a funny read with some good insights into breaking up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 6:22am

Mish--
At least your roommate isn't your ex's brother like mine is. HEE HEE

No family doesn't get it anymore and my friends tollerate me but I know they've got to be sick of it. I try really hard not to talk about it with them so much anymore other than just a comment here and there. I have one friends who's sort of going thru the same thing and she's my "breakup buddy". I call her and cry on her phone all the time.

Luckily I can say that I dont call my ex---now I will admit that I will answer his calls sometimes when he calls me but I don't answer all the time. I know that he has no intention of getting back together and when we do talk it's real short and he's just checking on me. Trust me that hurts just as bad as calling him, especially when you don't hear what you want to hear even though you know it's the worst thing for you.

Girls, be strong~~~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 8:03am

Hi mish, fplawyermom, belly,

First of all, I have a confession. I "patched" things up w/ my ex last night. He asked to go to couples therapy, and I must admit, I don't want to, and maybe I'm being a little conniving, but, I put all of my money into the house we are buying (which is owned by his mom...so you know I'm not getting any of that back) and I need to save for an apartment. He still lives in the house and its soooooooo hard. He sneaks into the bedroom at night, freaks me out and such. So, to save my own soul, I "patched" things up enough to give me time to save some money w/o it being so weird around the house. My son (he is 15) should not have to deal w/ weird. When my son asked me what was going on, I told him I was taking it day by day and that I was continuing to save which he seemed to be fine with. He told me he wants me to be happy and gave me a hug. So, at least last night was quiet. I watched a movie, my b/f went to his mom's and I went to bed a little early because I'm not feeling well..sinus infection.

I feel really bad about what I did, but its so hard to live in the same house when your broken up...lots of bad stuff spews out of his mouth and I can't deal w/ that until I move out. So, at least this way, I, if things don't work out..(doubt they will) I can walk away knowing I tried and I will have enough money to get up and leave if I need to.
Am I a bad person?? I just need some peace in my life and this seemed to be the only way to accomplish peace and save enough money to get out if I need/want to.

Thanks to everyone for being there.




Edited 3/20/2007 8:14 am ET by lil_rayofsunshine