I relapsed and am back at square one!
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| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:52am |
I made a terrible mistake and called him on Sunday. I ended up going over there and we hooked up. Now I feel SO bad and totally at fault for being weak. He still does not want a romantic relationship with me and told me that he is completely over me because of the fighting we did for the past 2 months that drove him away and has made me "ugly" to him.
There is no other girl right now in his life and he would "love" to be one of my good friends but I "took that out of the equation" so there's basically not any sort of relationship between us. He doesn't care and I do. I'm holding on to something that isn't ever going to come back. The ironic thing is he was a terrible boyfriend - cheating, verbal, physical and emotional abuse - and yet I still want him in my life. He even admits to being a "terrible person". He said he couldn't believe that after all the pain he put me through, he still has to "convince" me to leave him alone. I can't though, I tried and I get so weak that any sort of connection with him seems appealing. I can't accept that he no longer wants to be apart of my life and does not want me in his, other than just friends. He said he's moved on completely and that hurts so bad because I'm still hurting so much!
So now that we hooked up on Sunday, I'm back where I started, only slightly stronger. I feel like I made progress by not contacting him for 2 weeks and then just gave all that work up for nothing! I feel awful right now. For the rest of you who are struggling with no contact...it really is for the best and relapsing by calling, seeing and/or sleeping with him/her is just not worth it! Please take my word for it...it's not a good idea.
Now I'm back at square one dealing with the salt I poured on my open wounds....

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fp-lawyermom,
You DO NOT suck!! So you called...big deal!! He didn't answer and that should tell you something. You are not an idiot, you are a human being and you are hurting, and missing what you had (or what you think you had together).
Why don't you block e-mails from him? Maybe that will give him something to think about and it will also give you some peace. We are all here if you need us, but please, remember, you are a great person, and everyone makes mistakes so try not to be so hard on yourself.
Mish,
I completely understand the handbag analogy.
You said in your post...
"By the looks of it, he's not coming back and I really shouldn't go back. So there's really only one way for me to go and that's as far away from him as possible. How long this takes is the question...."
And I know what your saying. I know I shouldn't have "patched" things up..but I couldn't help but feel that if I didn't, I would feel as though I failed. So, I understand. This is hard, but I must say, I haven't really cried at all. That should tell me something..huh?
You're going to be o.k...in time. One thing I have learned..its not the breakup that is so difficult...its the waiting..its waiting for the time to pass thats so difficult.
lil ray of sunshine
Don't feel bad about patching it up to save some money. I was trying to prolong my breakup because exjerk owes me about $4,000.00 and I was hoping to get it back before the break up. IN fact, he has a gas bill in my name that he hasn't paid on in about 6 months, which accounts for $2,000.00 of the debt. The gas company can't turn it off because the turnoff switch is in the basement, and I don't have a key to the house (it's a house he rents out). I do feel like a big stupe for allowing him to put the account in my name. Now I'm sure I'm going to have to sue him in order to get the account out of name and the money paid back. I totally get the "keeping the peace" until the financial stuff gets worked out. Wish I could have pulled it off.
Mish-
It's called a break up b/c it's broken is a really good book. It'a quick read with funny quirks but it really does give insight. I have it and might just read it again.
I even highlighted in mine--what a dork!
Okay girls, no more calling, texting and/or hooking up with the exs. If I can do it living in the same apt with all of "OUR" stuff (he's not staying here right now) then you can all do it. It's not healthy and we don't want to be known as those crazy ex psycho girlfriends. We need to stand strong and that meand being strong.
I will give you girls/ladies my personal phone # if it wil help you NOT call HIM--call me instead, I will answer and keep you on the phone until you're all cried out and have nothing more to say.... that is what my friends Gabrielle does for me. She doesn't care how many times I tell her the same story and cry about the same stuff she just listens and tells me that I'll be fine. She so nicely reminds me of the last ex that she sat thru my tear-jerkers and that I made it thru and I thought my life was over. It wasn't.
I keep telling myself that she is right and I'm still here muddling thru another one.
Just went out and got the book -- and it is great! Very helpful. I'm going to read it instead of crying myself to sleep tonight.
I don't suppose any of you girls are in Michigan by any chance? I could use a good girls night out and it seems like all my girlfriends are too busy with their BFs to go out on Saturday night.
Thank you guys for all the encouragement and care. I really never thought that I would be leaning so heavily on a discussion board but it and women like you all have really helped me get through these very tough couple of days. I think I refreshed the page 20 times today for new ppstings.
I am going to be strong and not call. This was my LAST email/contact to him:
I am actually glad that you don't want to talk to me anymore because getting you out of my life is the first step to happiness for me. I was always super nice to you (until the very end) and you still treated me like crap every chance you got for your own selfish reasons. I was totally generous and open to you always! So what if I fought back when I felt like I was being mistreated? I'm not ashamed of that at all!
I'm going to be better than fine and find a real relationship with someone kinder and nicer than you. It was nice knowing you and thanks for all the hard lessons you taught me. Basically that not everyone out there is as willing to give as much as me and that people will lie and hurt for their selfishness.
So you have a nice life Brian. Good bye!
That book is great isn't it? I too read that book before I go to bed...
How are things for you?
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