I relapsed and am back at square one!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
I relapsed and am back at square one!
49
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 11:52am

I made a terrible mistake and called him on Sunday. I ended up going over there and we hooked up. Now I feel SO bad and totally at fault for being weak. He still does not want a romantic relationship with me and told me that he is completely over me because of the fighting we did for the past 2 months that drove him away and has made me "ugly" to him.

There is no other girl right now in his life and he would "love" to be one of my good friends but I "took that out of the equation" so there's basically not any sort of relationship between us. He doesn't care and I do. I'm holding on to something that isn't ever going to come back. The ironic thing is he was a terrible boyfriend - cheating, verbal, physical and emotional abuse - and yet I still want him in my life. He even admits to being a "terrible person". He said he couldn't believe that after all the pain he put me through, he still has to "convince" me to leave him alone. I can't though, I tried and I get so weak that any sort of connection with him seems appealing. I can't accept that he no longer wants to be apart of my life and does not want me in his, other than just friends. He said he's moved on completely and that hurts so bad because I'm still hurting so much!

So now that we hooked up on Sunday, I'm back where I started, only slightly stronger. I feel like I made progress by not contacting him for 2 weeks and then just gave all that work up for nothing! I feel awful right now. For the rest of you who are struggling with no contact...it really is for the best and relapsing by calling, seeing and/or sleeping with him/her is just not worth it! Please take my word for it...it's not a good idea.

Now I'm back at square one dealing with the salt I poured on my open wounds....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 8:20pm
I changed his name to NO CONTACT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:35pm

Well, my "reconciliation" did not go well. He was nice until Sat. morning. Then, I was laying on the couch (I have been sick for two weeks..sinus infection and upper resp. infection) and he started screaming that I was a "lazy, fu***ng bit**, a leech, useless, a sponge, and said he was leaving. He started to pack and low and behold..he NEVER LEFT. He said I can stay as long as I need to until I find somewhere, but he is not going anywhere. I told him just to leave me alone, but I guess that is wishful thinking.

Now, he follows me around the house asking what I'm doing, who I am talking to, etc. He sneaks into bed w/ me at night and wants me to do sexual things w/ him (I can't stand him). He'll walk by me and kiss me on the head and stupid things like that.

I feel bad for him, I know I shouldn't but I do, he may be acting nice now, but as soon as he knows I'm staying he will turn back into A**h***. I can't wait to get out. Not to mention, I know I shouldn't but I feel guilty when I see him hurting....but then, I look down at the scar on my arm..and well, then I cry and say WHY!

So, how is everyone else doing, Mish, Lawyermom, ???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:05pm

All hail me, Queen of the Backsliders! Working on reconciling, but I feel so depressed. He's all nicey-nice now, calling just to say he loves me, blah blah blah. But long-term I know that the chance of it working is like about a fraction of 1%.

Sorry things suck right now, Sunshine! If he can't see you through a sinus infection, he probably would be worthless if you had some serious ailment that took a long time to recover. It's something to think about . . .

Where's Mishmosh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:13pm

Lawyermom,

Don't be so hard on yourself...I completely understand what your going through. So, if he is calling and being so nice..does that mean that all went o.k. with the depos (yesterday, I think)?

Ugggh..you are not going to believe this....my ex just had a friend of his call here (i'm at work) His friend said "Hi is Tim there?" Before I had a chance to answer, he snickered and hung up. This is the one and only time I wish I worked back in private practice...(I work for Superior Court in Mass. now)..at least we had caller id at the law office I used to work at!! I am beginning to hate him more and more. NOt to mention..daily my heart pounds out of my chest...I am suffering from panic attacks from this a-hole and I so need some peace. Hey, maybe I can go to Michigan for a girls night out??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:20pm

Come on up to Michigan anytime you want and I will buy you martinis!

He didn't go to the dep and I didn't talk to him about our relationship at all until after the dep (it was actually last week). But -- this is good -- my expert witness, who is married and has three children, wanted to talk about the case after the dep. Except instead of talking about the case, he asked if he could hold my hand, told me he wanted to hold me in his arms all night, etc. Ugh. He's a troll and a cheater. But I had to be polite so that he doesn't destroy my case.

After the dep I talked to BF to fill him in on how it went and one thing led to another and we ended up talking for 3 hours on my drive home. It was a productive chat, but there's so much hurt still there that I just don't know how to overcome it. I've got a counseling app't. Monday.

Yeah, I love private practice. My partners are great, the local judges are great, I wouldn't trade it. But I do divorces (how ironic) and that can be crazy. Everyone in my world is like everyone on this board. You'd think I'd be an expert breaker-upper.

Is it too early for Martinis now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:34pm

No...it's never TOO EARLY for martinis!!

When I worked in pp, I did alot of domestic relations, probate and criminal work; pretty evenly split actually. I wonder how long it would take to get to Michigan from Massachusetts???

I understand what your saying about "there's so much hurt that I just don't know how to overcome it"..maybe counseling isn't such a bad idea. At least someone to listen.

Where are you Mish??????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:43pm

'Bout 12 hours. If you leave tomorrow morning early, we can hit happy hour when you get here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 2:57pm

Here's my e-mail. Send me a message and maybe we can have a happy hour weekend in the future.

lil_rayofsunshine@msn.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2007
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 4:18pm

Hello - I'm here and have been wondering about you guys. I have not reconciled with him and have not spoken to him since Sunday. I'm really working on no contact and moving on. I still miss him but have been posting and working on more positive things in my life such as yoga, tennis, reading, going out with friends, etc.

I'm sorry you guys are feeling crappy. Just be strong and true to yourselves. I'm here if you need. Keep in touch.

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