I saw him and i SCREWED UP. Please!!!!
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I saw him and i SCREWED UP. Please!!!!
| Fri, 11-25-2005 - 12:28pm |
okay, so bf broke up with me 3 weeks ago. i posted that i couldn't stop crying. we work within 3 blocks of each other so usually i run into him alot. so we agreed we would have a talk because there is one thing we need to discuss unrelated to our relationship. anyway, last i told you all, he was supposed to come to a race i was running and then told me he couldn't because he wasn't ready. he told me he missed me alot and i didn't respond, he told me he couldn't even see my face because he felt too emotional. anyway, i didn't say anything. two days later i called him with stuff along the same lines, and HE didn't say anything. anyway, he was supposed to come to a pre thanksgiving party with a group of my friends and he text messaged me and said he was sorry he couldn't come, he was scared. whatever that means. so today, i am having coffee in a coffee shop we both frequent because our offices are so close and as i am finishing i turn around and see him sneaking out the back door. he definately saw me and decided NOT to get coffee there and to sneak out. so i was pissed. i walk to my office and see where he went into, and i followed him in. i said hi, i saw you come in here. he acted like he hadn't seen me at the other place, told me how beautiful i looked, etc. i asked him if he had five minutes he said he didn't. i asked why he was avoiding me since we decided we were going to be friends, he said he felt bad. he didn't want to see my face, and he prefered to talk over phone or email. it was hard to see my face. i asked him why. he told me because he felt bad. i said, don't feel bad. i am fine. totally fine. i don't want anything from you. i can accept it and i am okay. i said, i don't want to get back together, i don't want you back, nothing. i just want to be friends. and i didn't want him to feel bad for me. he said he didn't feel bad 'for me'...i guess in general he just feels bad. so we are supposed to have this small talk to tie up other loose ends. i asked him if i could meet him tomorrow after work for an hour. he said he couldn't tomorrow. i asked him why. he said he couldn't and he doesnt have to tell me why (obviously i assume its a date), i asked him jokingly, is it a date? he goes, yea a date, sarcastically. he said he couldn't tomorrow but maybe sunday or monday. it makes me feel even worse because i am wondering what he is doing tomorrow. satuday. i am pretty convinced whatever it is he doesn't want me to find out about it which makes me feel horrible. whatever. anyway, as i continued to talk to him in the street he goes "i don't want to talk right now, i need to breathe". with that he walked away. i am so confused and so hurt. i was being calm, i wasn't beggin for him back, i told him i wanted nothing more then a friendship. why is he doing this. saying its so hard to see me. saying he can't handle looking at my face and would rather do it on the phone. i am crushed. he is avoiding talking to me. and i looked like such a loser asking for 20 mins of his time. i just couldn't control myself. i asked him: do you not want to speak to me because you don't care? or because you are angry? which is it? and he goes "i don't care". so i go "really? you don't care? i don't beleive that" he goes , "i don't care". i go, "thats nice". then he goes, "of course i care are you crazy?" i asked him why he said that then and he goes "because you asked me, is it because you don't care?" WTF??? i am destroyed. i feel like SUCH A LOSER. why did i even stop him if i knew he was ducking me. i wish i could erase it. he walked away from me. literally turned his back and walked away midcoversation and said he didn't want to talk right now. I AM SO ANGRY AT MYSELF. WHY??? WHY DID I TRY TO TALK. WHY DID I MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT. not to mention, i am so fixated on what he is doing tomorrow ( i know by the way he is trying to establish that he doesn't have to answer to me, but if its nothing why not answer!!). YUCK

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lucyintheskybabe...
Pianoguy knows you'll hate this....but...here goes:
The easiest solution is to "Get a Life of YOUR OWN and forget about him!"
Sounds simple....but pulling it off is a little tougher!
But if you constantly choose to "go backwards" because you can't handle the reality that THE MAN IS NO LONGER INTERSTED IN YOU (and forget about the text messages---since those are just plain crap)!
The only way to truly recover from anything (or anybody) is to give yourself permission to mend! So stop looking like an idiot and let your healing process happen instead!
Pianoguy
first thing i think you should do is to disregard what pianoguy said (the part about you being an idiot!)..he obviously does not know what constructive critsism is, or maybe he's just not human like the rest of us and has never made a mistake, or a choice he ever regretted..or maybe he's just the one and only perfect human being that exists..lucky him
anyways, you really need to forgive yourself, you are human...not to mention you're hurt, dealing with a lot of emotions, so you're going to make mistakes. don't beat yourself up over it. your break up is very fresh so it's understandable that you're feeling this way. personally, i don't think you're ready to be friends, not anytime soon anyways. can you honestly say that you are "ready" to be friends with your ex? and i think it's very normal to be wondering what he's doing etc..but as you know, it's not going to help your healing...how to stop that, i don't know, can we really control that? i'm not sure..actually, now that i think of it, maybe thinking about what he's doing and with whom is just a normal process of healing and letting go. i can't really give you advice on that, but believe me when i say that if you keep beating up on yourself and don't forgive yourself, healing will be impossible.
my ex was the same too, how if i ever asked him anything...most of the time, he wouldn't tell me, no matter what it was because he felt the same as your ex..how they don't need to answer to us...that annoyed the crap out of me, because i wasn't asking because i felt he needed to answer to me, but because i was curious, or sometimes it was just apart of normal conversation..anyways, they are right to a degree that they really don't have to answer any of questions..there's no more obligation for that.
take care.
I am sorry that you are hurting........
It's never easy going thru a breakup as I am there right with you.
But as I learned, you have to learn to let go:
There is a rule that if you let go, you get.
I think as women we are naturally caregivers and when problems arise, we just want to fix them as soon as possible. We don't take our time to stop, look and decide and we only precede (especialy without using caution).
I think right now your bf is working off your neediness. I know because my ex bf is doing the same thing. But I am learning that the more I cry, beg, plead and promise the further he is drifting from me.
This has been such a hard weekend and I found myself hating the holiday because I was suppose to be with him up at his mothers this weekend. But instead I am home alone. It was so hard not to call him, email him or text him, but I somehow remained strong and found the courage not too......
I came home last night from my family's TG dinner. It was around 10pm, when I got a text from my ex that said HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I made the super mistake by answering back right away with a "THANK YOU" I should have waited and let time past even the next day or not at all before I sent back the message. But I goofed and texted him back right away. We all make mistakes.......but what I have learned was that I didn't expect any message which was quite nice.
If you really feel your bf is the one for you......then let him go. If you get the chance to talk to him about closure.....listen to what he said and DO NOT try to defend yourself. For example....if he said something like "I am not happy with you because you are too controlling or needy?" then you should reply back and say "You know, you are right, I am controlling and needy. I wouldn't want to be with someone who is controlling and needy too....therefore you are right....we should break up."
I know that sounds alittle weird....but what you are doing is actually making him more comfortable to be around you. You are setting him free and therefore he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable being around you.
After you do that and practice because believe me it's hard....you go out and you get a life.....do what you always wanted to do.....even go out and date......and be social....
I guarantee once they have the feeling of not being threatened by you or scared to be around you because of confrontations and all...you will have him back.......
I am sure you heard all these rules....but it is rare that you find someone who really lives by them...because we are truly afraid with time, we will completely lose him. This may happen as we are all different...but I can promise you one thing...if that should happen, you will be more than ready to accept it, because you will be in a different mindstate......
You owe it to yourself to truly be happy......and no one but you can bring you happiness...Believe me...I am here with you struggling too......we all are because if not, we wouldn't be here......I truly hope you have the opportunity not to have closure but a new beginning.
Be strong, and remember, life doesnt start or end with one man...it starts and ends with you......
Sol
piano guy, i appreachiate your advice and respect what you have to say, however, there is obviously a lot more to this then a message board can convey. we were Very serious for 2 years. and up till the day we broke up he told me he loves him so much it hurts. he is riddled with issues and is the type of person who walks from problems. its his thing. has been since day one. he admits he has these issues, always has. always talks about how he may be screwed up, but its the way he is. when we were breaking up the first time he told me he loves me so much it bothers him. he hates the feeling that he wants to take care of me. he loves me so much it tears him apart but rationally we can't be together. he told me he lives his life by his rational side and not his emotional side. we are very different. i come from alot of money and he is dirt poor. he is very macho. VERY. we are talking a latin boxer who had a very hard life growing up. a lot of losses and tragedies at a young age. i am a completely different culture, and a completely different background. he has never had a relationship until me, his mother told me i am the first woman he ever loved. the first woman he even told her he loved. i am IN SHOCK that he was ducking from me. it makes NO sense. i am NOT trying to get him back. i really do want to remain friends as we have been through very VERY traumatic things together. I am the first woman he has ever loved and i do not want him to end up hating me, and today i didn't even try to have a confrontation with him. i was talking so calmly and friendly. he was the one trying to start a fight. in a way i guess its easier for him if i hate him. what can i say. your advice is a little harsh. you aren't taking into account the two years of history i have with him. he was very close to my son, etc, etc, etc. he still says he loves my son as if he were his own child. that is why there is alot of pain associated with this. i just can't bear the thought of him blowing me off like that, and i am hoping its what he needs to do to get over this whole thing, rather then because he hates me.
He just emailed this to me last night after i saw him! obviously i didn't respond:
Well little...
today was my day to have a hard time....i am sorry if i am avoiding you but its easier when i dont look at you....
I want to be your friend,just give me more time.....and i dont have a date tomorrow i am just not ready.....i want to talk in a nice way with you.
I am not angry....i just want my time.....i like you so much and i dont hold ANY bad feelings...I am sorry aout my behavior...it's my way to protect myself.......
Have a good night...we'll talk soon
trying 2 heal...
You obviously aren't fond of some of Pianoguy's suggestions...and he respects your right to your opinions....BUT...
My thoughts are just ONE MAN'S OPINION!
Most ivillagers know that I'm not going to be subtle...especially when I'VE AGREED with a poster who has already 'called herself an idiot?'
So if you're REALLY that upset because I chose to "chime in" with this woman's viewpoint of herself...perhaps there's some sort of "identity correlation" ON YOUR SIDE??????
Pianoguy
lucyintheskybabe...
Pianoguy COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDS the pain you're experiencing. .
Have you ever heard of men who feel responsible for another human being (male or female), but they know deep down inside that taking on "the responsibility" will only make them COMPLETELY MISERABLE over time? Your b/f sounds like that type of man to me.
This is the reason he's showing you his 'rational side'--INSTEAD of succumbing to the 'emotional side' you'd like to see from him?
All men (and probably one or two women as well) have 'inner and outer feelings!' Most males who go against their 'inner feelings' just to make a woman temporarily happy....will ultimately start "kicking themselves" after a little time has passed.
What's even worse...THEY START GETTING ABUSIVE TOWARD THE PEOPLE IN THEIR LIVES, who really don't deserve this sort of treatment!
Here's something else for you (and a few other ivillagers) to consider?
There are men and women out there who can handle 'casual friendships' extraordinarily well....but the moment they feel things are getting too serious...or they feel like they might "BECOME BOXED IN FOR LIFE"....they bolt!!!
This is NOT because the women (or men) they've been with are LOUSY COMPANIONS!
It's simply because some men and women are more comfortable making their own decisions without the benefit of another person suggesting (or dictating) the way they should or shouldn't LIVE THEIR LIVES! Probably sounds a little childish to a few ivillagers who are reading this....but it comes down to a personal choice issue?
Some couples may look GREAT together in public...but aren't necessarily GREAT together "behind closed doors?" .
Best wishes and warm thoughts when it comes to your healing and mending process...
Pianoguy
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