I Screwed Up

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
I Screwed Up
1
Wed, 04-11-2007 - 1:39pm

A week & a half ago, I went out & got drunk. I came home & found my bf on the couch, sleeping. I put the dog in her kennel & tried to wake him up so he could crawl into bed with me (we didn't officially live together, but I really only was at my apartment once or twice a week for about 10 minutes tops). He resisted, saying that he wanted to sleep on the couch.

I felt rejection & was really wasted, so I started to freak out. I hit him, turned a chair over, & eventually poured a couple of bottles of pills into my mouth. He called the police, but they didn't do much. He ended up staying at a friend's place with the dog & I passed out on the bed.

The next morning, he moved all of my things out & kicked me out.

Two days later, I attended my first AA meeting. I also emergency dialed my therapist.

Since then, I have had a drastic eye-opening & truly, genuinely feel like my life is on track again. However, he's obviously a) depressed, b) pissed off, & c) confused. I've tried to let him know my sincerity & confidence that an altercation like this will NEVER happen again, but he's understandably wary.

I know he loves me, I know he misses me, I know he considers me his best friend. But right now, he doesn't want to be with me & doesn't think he will in the future.

I am so depressed, so heart-broken, so guilty, so so so bawling all day long, not being able to concentrate on anything else. & I want him back into my life.

I know it'll take a lot of rebuilding of trust, a lot of time, & a lot of patience, but I really do believe we can do it.

Has anyone out there had a similiar experience? Please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 3:42pm
After reading both of your entries, I understand where you're coming from. But remember that you screwed up. Not him. Since he is confused about where he stands, give him that space. He needs it to figure out what he really wants. If you love him enough, you can do that for him. It hurts, but you've figured out what you want. You want him. But he needs his time. It will turn out great in the end no matter what happens because you're getting help and you need to focus on rebuilding you. If he sees that you have changed and want to make things better, he may come back around. But you can't put u or ur life on hold waiting for him, because frankly no one knows whether he will or not. Keep up with your meetings, get a hold of yourself, and show him you care. That's all you can do for now. I know it sux, but the more time you give each other will help with seeing things clearly. Good luck!