i see my ex-fiance every weekend:(

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
i see my ex-fiance every weekend:(
3
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:57pm
Ok,i am kinda new here&like alot of the other posts i have read so far...i still love my ex&i want him back more than anything in this world....but my situation is a little different than most, which is why i am SO confused about what i should do. So if anyone has ANY advice then it would be greatly appreciated&helpful i'm sure. I'll try to explain the best i can. Ok,toward the end of our relationship we fought alot (mostly on my part...becuase of my jealousy) but we tried to look past that because our love for eachother was so strong&we didnt want to let that go. Then one day he bought me a ring&asked me to marry him&of course i said yes. But the fights did continue, until one day we decided to break up. It's been A YR&A HALF since then&i am still not over him. Its kinda hard for me to move on though when he tells me all the time that he still loves me&wants to be together again someday...just not right now because of his busy schedule. But I want to get back together so bad...&i dont think i can wait another yr&a half for him to get out of school. I know he still cares about me&everything...but sometimes it just seems like he will never want to be w/me again.. He tells me all the time, but then he acts like he never said it&expects me to do the same. And many times i've tried to do what i know most of u are thinking i should...i've tried to stop talking to him...and everytime after a few weeks or so he tells me he misses me&loves me...and it all starts again-he tells me he loves me&wants to take things slow...then changes his mind.&i fall for it everytime...i guess cause i just want it so bad. And still...the smart thing to do...stop talking to him, right? Well, i would...but thats y my situation is so hard. My ex fiance is REALLY good friends w/my sister&her husband&all their friends...the same people i hang out with alot. So every time he goes over there...i see him. We usually talk&flirt a lil...but it's still torture for me seeing how we're not together. This is y its so hard for me to move on...b/c i see him every weekend&we talk...and kiss...and sometimes he sleeps over there&we sleep in the same bed. I know...it's weird. Thats y i am so lost on what to do. I want to be w/him&he keeps changing his mind. So if anyone has any advice on what i should or could do to get him to want to be with me again...and convince him that even though he has a busy schedule that we could still be happy together...then please let me know. ANYTHING you say will be helpful to me because i just need to hear what someone else would do in my situation. thanks for ur time&im sorry it's so long
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:06pm
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a confusing and frustrating situation. He loves you and says he wants to be with you, eventually, some day, when his schedule clears up and you're hanging around waiting for him.

In addition to this, you were engaged for a year and a half. Was your engagement broken? Did you give the ring back? Who wanted to end the engagement? It seems to me that this has been going on for at least three years, which is a long time to wait for someone to make up their mind about you, don't you think?

Having said that, relationships can be complicated. There not always easy and sometimes it does take people a long time to commit. I'm not sure this is the advice you want, and I'm not sure I can give you very good advice. This sounds like a tough situation. I would say to go with your gut, but sometimes it's hard to know what your gut is telling you because so many other things get in the way.

My feeling about is is that if he really loved you and wanted to be married to you he would find a way to fit it into his schedule. It seems to me that making you wait isn't very respectful or loving. On the other hand, if you're both young (22 or under) perhaps it makes sense to wait.

I think if you're going to have a lifelong relationship with this man that he needs to be able to understand you and your feelings and you need to be able to express your needs and wants to him. That doesn't mean you get what you need or want or all the time, but you both should be able to discuss what you want and need from each other. Right now it sounds as if you either don't do that enough or when you do you don't get anywhere. It sounds like you're in limbo land, which is a painful and frustrating place to be. It's your decision really. Do you love him enough to wait for him, knowing it may take another two or three years? Or do you want to be with someone who is free and available to give you all his love and support now? If you want someone who is available NOW, then this guy probably isn't the guy for you.

If you decide he's not, the best way to proceed is to let him know you're not waiting for hm anymore and to try to minimize contact with him. You'll have to explain to your friends what you're doing and try to ask for their help. If they're good friends they should be willing to support and help you.

We're here for you. It's a tough road, but you're not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 2:37pm
the best thing to do is to stop talking to him!!! tell your sister to stop inviting him over to her house, b/c your trying to get over him.

the reason that its taken you so long to get over him, is b/c your still in constant contact w/him! how can you allow yourself to heal, when the pain is constantly in front of you? You can't make someone want you. Either they do or they don't; no matter how bad you may want to be w/that person.

you stated that you've gone weeks w/out talking to him right? he knows your weaknesses and he's playing on them.

DONT CONTINUE TO LET HIM PLAY W/YOUR HEART AND MIND, otherwise it WILL be another 1 1/2 and your situation wouldn't have changed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 4:00pm
Thanks so much for ur reply. I'm sorry i didn't make everything clear about the relationship&how it ended. We weren't engaged for a yr and half...we were together for a yr and a half...but we were only engaged for a few months. When we first broke up it was kinda mutual...but after a few days i wanted him back. and he wouldn't...so i gave the ring back (which by the way, he still has in his drawer). But in the beggining of our breakup i started to move on&he saw that&he wrote me a letter saying how he still loves me so much&it kills him that i have moved on. And that's when it all started...i believed him&he acted like he never said it...and then has done pretty much the same thing ever since. But everything you said made so much sense&i know it will help me with whatever decisions i make. One part made me realize something that i never have before. its that i never really do express my needs and wants to him...i guess i was just kinda scared to cause i didn't want to put too much on him&run him off for good. but what u said is true...i should be able to express my feelings w/o worrying he will change his feelings about me. And in a way i dont think that would change even if we did get back together. I think that i would be scared to tell him alot of things b/c i would think he would leave again. I think i will try to stop talking to him on the phone&e-mails...and just see him at my sisters&not show much interest when i'm around him. he told me the other day that he is always going to be friends w/them...which means i will always be around him...rather we are in a relationship or not. I think what i will do is, like u said, tell him i'm not going to wait anymore...that way we can still see eachother at my sisters&he will think that i am actually moving on&he can't play with my emotions anymore. I definetely think he is worth waiting for...i just don't think i am capable of waiting that much longer...b/c this situation is far too painful&depressing to handle anymore. And by the way...i'm only twenty&so is he. Again...thank you SO much for your advice, i really needed to hear that