I sure screwed this up

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
I sure screwed this up
3
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 3:27pm

I have been with him for over 2 years. We broke up after moving away together because he was becoming very impatient with me and would get easily angered. He kicked me out of our home and I was forced to quit my job and move back in with my parents. Actually it was after I had already made my arrangments to move did he appologize and beg for forgiveness and asked me not to leave. Of course I was sucked in. However, I ended up leaving because I didn't want to stay in a position where I was uncertain of a roof over my head. So he stayed in the little town 3 hours away from my home town for only 3 weeks after I left. Then he moved home (we are both from the same town). Now at this point we are still "together" just not living together and suppose to be taking things "slow". I thought I was reacting the right way. It was pretty sloppy ever since then. He did not want to take things slow and he couldn't stand the fact that I was reuniting with my friends and doing things again. So he said he wanted to end communication with me. He said for me to only contact him if I could get back together with him and be more of a commitment. So shortly after I did. We got back together and I spent more time with him and it was great, I was really happy and was thinking, this was the fresh start we needed. Well little did I know that while we were not talking (which was only for about a week) He decides to brefriend an old girlfriend. One that he knows is obsessed with him and crazy. They hang out, have mutual friends and talk on the phone and email. When me and him got back together he didn't bother to tell me about his new found "friendship" with his ex. Nor did he cut off communications with her. I found out cause she got jealous that we were back together so she forwarded all of their emails to me! I read all their emails about how they were so glad to be back in touch and loved spending time together, blah blah blah. I confronted him about it and ended it with him. But he was soooo sorry and he really said he was done with her. Actually he was done with her before I found out but still he didn't tell me it ever existed. But the point is he lied when we were trying to make a fresh start. Well we never really stopped all communications, there were emails, texts, messenger, etc. He finally said I can't do this anymore, its too hard to talk to you and not be with you. (which actually I was fine with) So once again, just to keep some communication, I got back together wiht him.
That was last night.

My questions are as follows:
first off, why would I want to work things out with a guy who kicked me out of our home?
-why would I get back together with him again after he lied?
-why do I need to hear from him? why do i need some form of communication with him?
-I was totally fine with him doing his thing and me hangin with my friends, I just wanted to talk to him occasionally. That can't be good.
-finally, why can't i let this guy go? Its so hard separating yourself from someone who has been in your every day, hour and minute for the past 2 1/2 yrs.

Any tips on what to do on those long boring days at work (thats when I want to text him)
Any tips on what to do when you can't go out with your friends cause you got work the next morning? (thats when I want to message him)

I know I have to call it off with him cause my head is telling me this isn't right, but my heart is being so stubborn.
Thanks for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 4:23pm
I know exactly where you're at. Me and my ex-boyfriend lived together, I moved out, we were still together. We were on-again, off-again for 6 months. He kept doing stupid crap and I knew that he wasn't good for me, but I continued to get back together with him. The thing that no one told me is that only YOU know when it's over and enough is enough, and trust me, that day will come. It sure came for me and it has been easier not to text, call him, because I'm just sick of it, and I know nothing will change. Sometimes it takes a while to get there though and when I get the urge to try to contact him, I remember why i really DON'T want to!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:20pm
I completely understand how you feel right now. No advice will ever change those feelings that you have. You said in the message that you basically felt better when you two were apart and he was doing his thing and you were doing yours hanging with your friends. Family and friends do help when it comes to a time of healing. Especially when they dont judge you on your decisions on what to do with whatever situation you have been placed in. You always have the choice to be on your own. I definatly understand that you still want him there and that connection. But have you asked yourself if you really miss HIM or his COMPANY?! Two years is a very long time. Trust and believe i know. Get yourself on YOUR OWN FEET. Once a man starts disrespecting you and disregarding your feelings, it will get easier for him to continue to do so. AS LONG AS YOU LET HIM. Maybe HE is the one that is confused. MEN ALWAYS ARE. Have you let him know how you feel? Have you two brought closure to the subject of THE LIE? My advice to you is get away from him. BRING DISTANCE BETWEEN YOU TWO. As time goes by the distance will help things get a bit easier. It is really hard when you see him EVERYDAY. During those long boring periods of time maybe turn off your phone or put it aside to where you cannot see it. Everytime you get that urge to text him remind yourself on the bad feelings he has given you. You dont necessarily have to turn around and hate him. If you do that it'll just take more out of you. He will be the one in control of your feelings....MEN LOVE CONTROL OVER A FEMALE. Or maybe call a friend or do something you like or maybe write your feelings down on a paper of how you feel about him and what he has done to you. IT WILL GET EASIER...YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE THE DECISION. No one can really tell you how you feel and what to do but yourself. You WILL eventually get tired of not being valued and being lied to. ONCE THEY LIE WELL...IT JUST CONTINUES...and yes the guy might be sorry. But more like sorry you found out. When he did it...WHAT WERE HIS INTENTIONS...a rebound? or did he really miss her? If it was a rebound...that just goes to show you how weak the man is. And you must keep that in mind the rest of your life...what will happen if one day you two are not in blissful happiness...will he be weak again? Will he find another person to make himself feel better about himself. AND DONT EVER LET HIM MAKE YOU FEEL THAT HE BEGAN TALKING TO HER BECAUSE YOU WERE THE ONE THAT DECIDED TO LEAVE HIM. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND NEVER WILL BE. HE was the one that did not value your companionship...right? HE was the one that made you feel like the only resolution to your happiness was leaving him. You just have to decide if you want to live with this agony the rest of your life or if you want to start out fresh with someone else. I am currently in a relationship with the father of my children. I too have left him and had distance between us. It helped for that period he wouldn't call or show up. BUT he did come back! Nothing has been the same since. I dont trust him. I have found out about DIFFERENT females and well we just added a new addition to our lives. I was pregnant with the first when WE first fell apart. IT WONT GET BETTER AS LONG AS A PERSON STAYS AND ALLOWS THAT KIND OF DISRESPECT....respect yourself!!! It's like this one man told me ...the problem is between your ears. I honestly agree with you...you have it in your mind but your HEART is being stubborn. Allow yourself time to heal. Read a book...it really does help in those periods of time that no one else is around. It's a world away from home. PROMISE...if reading isnt your thing...do what makes you happy. Take up a hobbie. I just hope someday you move on and you dont continue to be as weak as I am and as I continue to be. I might not be one to say GET OVER IT...but i am one to tell you how five years of my life has passed and i still have not been able to enjoy life since the LIE and the DISRESPECT this man has shown me. Guarantee you life isnt all that great when you stay and deal with it... DO YOURSELF THE FAVOR AND DONT BE LIKE MOST FEMALES ...INCLUDING ME!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:12pm

To address your questions:

My questions are as follows:
first off, why would I want to work things out with a guy who kicked me out of our home?
-why would I get back together with him again after he lied?
-why do I need to hear from him? why do i need some form of communication with him?
-I was totally fine with him doing his thing and me hangin with my friends, I just wanted to talk to him occasionally. That can't be good.
-finally, why can't i let this guy go? Its so hard separating yourself from someone who has been in your every day, hour and minute for the past 2 1/2 yrs.

Healing and going through the grief process takes time. Everything you feel (and want to do) is NORMAL. We don't like to feel bad about ourselves and if we 'check in' with an ex and they are nice, it makes us feel good. The problem is that it's short-lived AND that good feeling about ourselves needs to come from within us. We want 'what could have been' what we hoped would have been, what might have been, if only the other person didn't do or could have done X, Y or Z. (Like not lie, not kick you out, etc).

Accept that he didn't have the level of integrity you want and need in a partner, that this is HIS character flaw, not yours.

::Any tips on what to do on those long boring days at work (thats when I want to text him)
Any tips on what to do when you can't go out with your friends cause you got work the next morning? (thats when I want to message him)

Amy time you feel like calling or texting him, pick up a pen and paper instead and journal write, or write him an UNSENT letter. Tell him everything you want to say, explain why you are writing, vent on paper. If it's a letter to him, burn it when you are done. It will help. Do as often as necessary.

While you are writing, also make a list of things you enjoy and start doing them. It's the holiday season, so there are tons of things to do, but also put on the list things to pamper yourself. Take a bubble bath, go for a walk. Or rearrange furniture, clean a closet or help a friend with those things. Make cookies, take them to work the next day so you don't eat them all - LOL.

Babysit for a friend, so the friend can shop for her family. Teach the kid to make cookies, string popcorn, play a game - Go Fish, Poker, Uno, play a board game, anything will help take your mind off what you feel. But when you feel it, embrace it. Have a good cry, write unsentn letters, etc.

Help someone decorate for the holidays. Make someone a hand-made gift. Get creative - crocett, bake, paint, write a poem, take photos.

My best to you.


Carrie