i talked to him....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
i talked to him....
7
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 6:19pm

so im basically feeling the exact same thing as that girl who just posted wondering how to get her ex back. weird how similar some peoples situations can be.

dont yell at me!!! i took my ex off of my msn block list cuz he had been doing obvious things that showed he wanted to get in touch....he saw that i was on and he talked to me. we talked for about half an hour and he kept saying "thanks for this. i really missed talking to you like this"

im not ready to get over him because i totally feel like hes still going to change his mind. seeing as when he broke up with me he said he hopes we get back together in the future when hes ready again. im sure the conversation just made him miss me as a FRIEND and doesnt mean he wants more than that...but if i keep talking to him maybe he will change his mind? people dont get back together if they arent friends and shut the other one out totally.

the other day he approached my friend to see how i was doing cuz it had been 3 weeks since we talked. and told her that he misses me....is very nervous to see me cuz he doesnt know how he will act or feel...still considers me his best friend...has his good days and bad days....but for now still thinks he made the right decision.

i want to know how he feels after we talked....and i want to know if i should continue to talk to him. it breaks my heart to be ONLY friends...and it just seems like a constant reminder that he doesnt want me. but isnt it 'no pain no gain'?

i cant move on being this in love...and knowing he could so easily change his mind.... it hurts so much to be only friends...but maybe thats what it takes to become more than friends. but if we dont become anything more i wasted all that time and prolonged the hurting. ohhhh please help me.




Edited 3/9/2005 7:20 pm ET ET by keetee27
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 7:48pm

You don't have the capacity to be "his friend'.

Friendship.....I want the best for you as you determine it to be. I admire your values and character and it is an honor to be your friend.

So if tomorrow he IM'd and said "I'm taking Carly out Friday night, I can hardly wait"...how would you react?

if it's "great, I hope you two have a good time"

Or would it be you smashing the computer (or wishing you could) in a torrent of tears saying "why are you doing this to me".

He's telling you straight up...he wants to be friends. That means he's not resonsible for meeting your needs, sharing uyour standards, he's not responsible for your feelings, he'snot responsible for your future. And so as a friend...you've got to be prepared to hear about his feelings and needs and thoughts and pursuits and find out it includes other people besides you, and dreams you don't share.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 7:53pm
i know that we cant be only friends...
im just wondering if we be only friends for a while it can maybe lead to more.
people dont get back together when they arent friends and arent talking...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 9:34pm

People very rarely "date" they friends...they quite often sleep with them however.

My suspicion is the guy 'does not want a girlfriend'. So he wants "to date"...he can't "just date you" because you want a relationship and dating is NOT a relationship.

Dating is about enjoying just the moments you spend together, no obligation to meet needs or share values, enjoying sex, fun, companionship, conversation, shared interests and events, and when the excitement of the evening is over.....the kissing or sex is done.....or the next morning when that is all concluded - everybody goes on back to being who they were, and doing what they were doing....I'll see you again next Friday maybe.

You can't do that...you want to know when he's going to call, you want him to meet your needs, you want him to commit to you. So he has no way to "just date you" without incurring your emotional upset as a result of not calling when YOU expect him to, etc. etc. etc.

But just hanging out as friends....often leads to sex....and rarely does a guy start dating a woman he's dated and broken up with, remained in an FWB with.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:02am

I am going through this same sort of thing. Erin, your advice is good. Please have some for me!! I am in a similar situation. And, I totally agree that a guy will probably not get back together with a girl once they've broken up, then done the friends with benefits thing, it would just be all used up at that point. I just got dumped and he immediately wanted to be friends. I said no and we didnt talk for a while except when we bumped inot each other. And then a month later I contacted him to kind of be friends and of course the next time we saw each other we spent the night together. Now I've hurt myself all over again.

I've reconfused myself and wondered what I could have done differently to salvage the relationship. He says he misses me and cares about me so much. But, just cant be in a relationship right now. This is BS in my opinion. But, now I'm wondering if I should clarify some things he may not have known. I am worried his sister who is also a friend of mine tried to sabotage us a little bit. Maybe he thought I was looking to get married ASAP when this isnt the case at all. Or, I am supposed to move to another state in 2 months, and i never told him I would stay. Is this something that could have caused it?

I think I'm just being neurotic and don't know if it would be wise to clarify these things...or if he would be with me no matter what...if he wanted to be.

I don't know what's going on now. Whether we are friends or not, or whether I should just cut off contact again??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:25am

Hun, I know it's hard...

It's normal to question yourself, and to be uncertain about whether or not having no-contact really is for the best. Believe me, it took six months before I decided that no-contact was the way to go.

But it's now been over three months since I stopped contact and you know what? I feel great! Sure, I miss my ex sometimes...but at the same time, not having contact with him is such a relief. I don't have to worry about him ignoring me, responding in a mean way, or hearing about his new girlfriend. For a long time I was in denial--I thought I could handle being just his friend. But I was wrong, and I'm so glad that I'm not torturing myself like that anymore. Yeah, talking to my ex relieved me of pain...but only temporarily! I usually ended up feeling MUCH worse once reality set in and I realized that I was still just his friend (not even) and he was still with somebody else. He didn't want to be with me, and I needed to accept that.

You broke up for a reason--whether it was his reason, or yours...it doesn't matter. I know it sucks and you miss him a lot...I know that you want to get back together. I even know how you feel when you say this: "people dont get back together if they arent friends and shut the other one out totally." I was also really worried about that...I thought that if I didn't keep having contact with my ex, then he would forget all about me and we would never get back together. I thought that if I really loved him, I would try to hold on and make things work somehow. He even told me once that I was "giving up" too easily.

But while having that false hope helped to keep me afloat at times, it was also slowly killing me inside. I was only hurting myself by continuing to have contact with my ex. My ex wasn't treating me with the respect that I deserve. After all, he broke up with me and he was the one dating someone else...yet he still wanted me to care about him, to contact him, to be there for him in case things got rough in his life. He wanted me in his life whenever it was convenient for him; he wanted an ego boost, someone to talk to whenever he got lonely or into a fight with his girlfriend. He basically wanted to have his cake and eat it too...and that was NOT fair to do to myself.

Luckily I eventually came to my senses. No matter how much I loved and cared about him, it became time for me to give it all up...no matter how badly I wanted him in my life, it had to end. I had to take care of myself first...I wasn't ready to be his friend yet. I got sick of bringing myself down all the time...I got sick of feeling sad. Having contact with him was like getting my heart broken over and over again. I would get so upset if he ignored me when I contacted him...I would get false hope everytime he would contact me or tell me that he cared about/missed me, and then I would come crashing down when he mentioned his new girlfriend. So I stopped having contact. It really is the healthiest thing you can do.

I understand that you're hopeful that your ex might change his mind about you two. But keeping that hope of getting back together can be very destructive to your healing process. You said that he told you he really missed talking to you. Well, maybe that's a good thing...use it to your advantage. GIVE HIM TIME TO MISS YOU. He'll either realize that he made a mistake and do his best to win you back, or he'll decide that breaking up was for the best. And you know what? You might even do the same...

Good luck, and take care of YOURSELF. You should always be your #1 priority.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 9:22am

Think of it this way...

You want to win back someone who might easily forget all about you if you're not there "as a friend" to constantly remind him of your existence.

You should want more for yourself. That's all part of the healing process - learning that you DESERVE someone who wants to be with you - not someone who you'll "settle" for being friends with because he can't or won't give you more.

"He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you"




Edited 3/10/2005 9:23 am ET ET by blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 1:11pm

when a person says "I don't want obligation, commitment, requirement and expectation towards and with someone else (aka - a relationship)" - they're not saying they don't want conversation, companionship and sex, even with the person they just broke up with.

What he doesn't want is to have to call, to be expected to do things, to be obligated to consider you at all times appropriately. HE wants to be free to doo his own thing, with whoever he wants, and pursue whatever he wants, and hang out and hook up with whoever (including you) whenever that suits his needs. That "I et to do what I want because I'm not breaking any rules, vows, laws, or someone's heart" is why he doesn't want a relationship.

He doesn't want a relationship...If you continue to contact and have sex...that is all it is. Contact and sex.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com