I talked to my X again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
I talked to my X again...
7
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 1:56am
I've been doing so well for weeks now, not missing my X and having moved on. I haven't been feeling anything emotional for anyone and I have been enjoying being alone and just hanging out with friends, working on myself. He and I talked a few times over the last month, really great pleasant convos, fully entertaining, but totally just "friend-like". Last week he and I talked and he mentioned getting together when I go home to visit next weekend. I was thinking we could grab a coffee/tea and just chat in public for 30 mins or so. He, on the other hand suggested a more personal get together like we'd be hanging out for the whole day.
Well, tonight he called me and we talked for about 2 hours. I suddenly felt feelings for him again. I just felt warm talking to him which isn't a way ppl usually make me feel. I feel emotional about him. What am I DOING TO MYSELF. I don't know right from wrong now. Am I really supposed to have NC with him?? We connect so much and I could easily see he and I kissing or something when I visit. I just realized that I would torture myself and be in a holding pattern to even continue to be friends with him. I am so confused about him now. I truly don't know what to do because if we go to permanent NC then that is for life and that is IT. But what if the right thing for he and I is to really stay in contact... I just don't know what destiny holds here. I am confused all over again.
Someone else mentioned getting hypnotized...I need to do that too now. I am surprised that after talking for 2 hours I could feel for him again, like very deep feelings as in I know I love him deeply. See this is NOT GOOD! I can't believe what a setback this was. It was a minefield, this phone call. I am shocked, I really thought I was on with my life and didn't care much about anything other than getting my life in order. talking to him a few times over the month has been very peripheal, so I didn't think this would happen. The last 4 nights in a row I have dreamt about him and woke up thinking of him in the morning, but it didn't feel emotional. It was like he was jus there in my mind. Odd. Life is so weird. Should I cut him off now totally? He suggested watching our favorite sporting event together next weekend. I don't doubt we would have a blast, and of course that soudns appealing! (I have always had more fun being around him than the majority of others in my life) I said we could watch at a sportsbar and that I didn't think we should go to his house or anything. I really dont't need this. Ughhhh... I don't want any of this in my world. I wanted to be able to just be friends and I thought I was totally doing that.--We were, we barely even talked the last month. This is all ridiculous...why does this crap have to happen to me. I just wanted a simple life...I never would have thought I'd be in a situation like this. Is it really that significant, though, I ask myself. What is it I'm really feeling. Do I really even know what love is. Ughghhh, I'm so frustrated with this same ol story. I dont want to feel for him. I am fine when there is NC and we dont have totally wonderful convos like tonight. I was just reminded tonight that he is exactly what I want in a guy. It was a refreshing convo and I think he was feeling something too. It felt refreshing and intimate like we could mutually just reach out and hold each other.
LIFE IS TOO CONFUSING. There is no way he and I can be together and honestly, even if he proposed it, I would not get back together with him. LDR is too hard and I have too much on my plate right now with life, work, grad school and SO DOES HE!
Why does life and love have to be this difficult? I just don't get it. How do people finally find the one and settle down. Sometimes I think I am not meant to do that, like I will not be blessed with a man who loves me and wants to marry me.
okay, I know I'm rambling now. I'm just a little upset or bothered right now...I talkecd to my X and it wrecked up my head. My perspective is so different when I am not talking to him. It's better. I feel more in control of myself and my life. I hate feeling emotional when it just hurts you like the situation with my X. Ultimately it just reminds me of things faling for whatever reason with him. How is it that I can go from being totally fine and cool on my own to randomly takling to my X and being upset and feeling strong feelings for him...
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 2:09am

You just found out that it is too soon for you to be having that much contact with him. A period of No Contact is usually best. And I think to be with him would be an even bigger mistake, especially now that your feelings have been ignited again.

Having No Contact for a period of time does not mean it has to be permanent. In some months, if you are over him completely, you can begin the process of becoming his friend.

If he is still indicating he is unwilling to go back with you, I think all this contact will only end up hurting you more and setting back your recovery.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Fri, 04-14-2006 - 9:48am

I definitely know the confusion you are having. About a month ago, and after I had been on several unfulfilling dates, I sent a message to my ex. He was very happy to hear from me and we had a great conversation on the phone. Then I saw him in person. It felt great at the time, I just had not had a good conversation with a guy at all in the months we had been apart. Unfortunately, that conversation and visit totally clouded my judgement. We went so far as to talk about getting back together, even though the problems with our relationship were real, and issues that really have no resolution.

So, I think my point is that it is very hard to stay clear when you're in contact with your ex. Now I see that for me, getting back together with my ex would be a big mistake. A month ago I almost did it though. He has a lot of great qualities and, who knows, maybe he is "the one" for me, but he isn't the one right now. We have cut off contact for the time being, but I think we'll probably talk again someday once we've both had time to move on and heal. No contact does not have to be permanent, it's just something you probably should do until you have completely moved on.

In your post you say you don't want to take your ex back, so don't let yourself fall into that trap. Tell him that you care about him and hope you can be friends someday, but that day has not come yet because being in contact with him is bringing up too many old emotions for you. If he's a good guy, he will understand and respect your wishes. Plus, what is meant to be, will be, if he is the right person for, you will ultimately find him again, I think.

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
Visit the Breaking Up is Hard to Do web page!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 2:31pm

but I have a question?

I went through 3 weeks of NC, and just like KERMI, I got that phonecall. I got a last night visit that ended up with us touching and carressing without words, completely non sexual at my doorway one night. It was the most intimate thing we have ever done.

He came over 3 nights this week and we slept in the same bed. NO SEX, just cuddling. Things have been bittersweet and that is my question..

Without forcing the issue...since he was the one that left me, how do I begin the dialogue about where this is all going? I am enjoying the time we have.. its feels like a rekindlement of our relationship.. the kissing, hugging, joking..but when do I say.." HEY, where is this going??" without breaking this spell that we are under, without forcing the issue?

please.. some advice

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-15-2006 - 2:50pm

IMO, if you are afraid to open that dialogue, then it's because you know deep down that you're not going to like the answer.

But in any event, a good way to start the dialogue would be to remind him about the boundary you set (not to call you unless he was 100% serious about moving forward). Remind him of that, and ask him if the fact that he is spending time with you means he is ready to do so. If he's sincere about doing so, then asking him isn't going to freak him out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 10:56am
Thanks for your response. I know that no contact is the best thing. It's funny cos two days after I posted, I was back to feeling normal again. I wasn't hurting and I had a handle on the reality of the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 11:02am

thanks for your post and sharing your experience.

eventually there'll be another guy we have great convos with! right!
as for now, I should keep a grip on reality and continue to move in the right direction which isn't rekindling anything with him at this time. this is definitely a mental thing...I have to just stick to it and not entertain thoughts of anything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Sun, 04-16-2006 - 11:06am
If i were you, I would pull back a little. Don't be as available and see if he brings it up. I completely understand you not wanting jolt what may or may not be happening between you two while you want to enjoy the moment. It's such a sensitive issue give the past. I'd say that these moments you have had together are definitely something he's thinking about too. It would be nice if he would bring up the conversation. The only way to prompt that is to pull away a little.