I THINK I am finally done
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| Thu, 12-16-2004 - 2:03pm |
Hi everyone, anyone, I posted this on one of the other boards and got nothing, so I thought I might try it here -
I just wanted to post, and maybe get some feed back about my "revelation". So my ex and I have been broken up for a little over two months, when he left me for another girl. They have been together ever since, and together EVERY single second. Unfortunately, I know this, because we have a child together and still have to see each other. Anyways, yesterday was court for us, I was petitioning him for Sole Custody and he was petitioning me for visitation. It wasn't really anything spiteful on either of our parts, and we had in fact talked about doing this all along (our daughter is 3 1/2) for all our sakes.
So, I get to court and check in, and I am sitting in the waiting room. I had been very emotional about this for about a week, just kind of sad that we actually had gone through with it, kind of like a final chapter as far as our relationship and friendship. Also, I was a nervous wreck that he was going to bring g/f with him, seen as they are never apart! Well, he walks around the corner and our eyes just locked. I did my best to give him a polite smile, and he came over and sat down. I wish I could explain the look in his eyes. He asked if it was ok that he sat there or did I want him to go somewhere else. I said fine and we sat for about 5 minutes. I felt the dam letting go, and I started to lose it, at which point I gracefully excused myself and went to the bathroom and had a good cry. When I came out, my dad had arrived and from that point on, I was completely fine! Things were amicable during the proceedings and we got everything settled. We left he said goodbye and that was it. Sort of.
Now, long story short, he rents a room in the basement of my best friends house. After court, I had agreed to watch my friend's children so they could go look at some houses. Anyways, I was always a basket case just seeing her car at the house, which it always is, and especially sitting in their house knowing they were down there doing GOD knows what. But, yesterday, I had none of that. I can honestly say that the constant sickness in the pit of my stomach - it's gone. I miss him terribly, but have honestly realized that we were not for each other. I love him, very much, but as the friend he was to me before we became more. It's hard to explain, but I guess it's a little bit of me building up the relationship with this girl and him, me being hard on myself that I wasn't good enough, and maybe how I just always imagined us being together. Whenever I saw our future (me and my daughter) he was always there with us. And who knows, whatever happens, happens, maybe, some day we will find each other again. But, probably not and for once and for all, I am ok with that, actually, HAPPY with that!!! I hope now, that we can work on being friends on some level, I mean we have to be in each other's lives for the rest of our lives. I miss my friend, and maybe, just maybe, we can get some of that back. Our daughter deserves nothing but the best.

Your situation is really difficult. I KNOW that pang in your heart you get when you see "HER" car at his place. I'm going thru that with my ex now. Every time I see her car, it feels like a slap in the face that he prefers someone else to me. I am using positive thinking tapes and affirmations to get me over the hump of thinking that the other girl is better than me, or that I am defective.
How long did you say your ex was with the new girl? 2 months? Even if it was longer, they coould still break up. Just because they are together all the time now, doesn't mean they can't still break up.
Every woman he dates will be jealous of YOU, because you share a child and he'll always have to have contact with you. Right now, you share something with him that no other woman shares.
Hopefully it helps a little to know that at this very moment, there is someone out there who is experiencing a little of what you are feeling, esp the pain of knowing someone elase is spending time with someone you wanted. The car thing drives me nuts. It's like a symbol that I am defected, or that he found something defective about me.
I am focusing on what I can do to make me a better person. i a praying, listening to affirmation tapes, eating VERY healthy and am really focused on being the best me I can be.
Well, good luck. Remember, this will pass. One day YOU'LL be the one with someone new and he may be crying for you.
laticiya - Thanks so much for your reply! It really, really does help to know I am not alone in the struggle. Do you know, he had the nerve to come over here today (to pick up his tax forms from last year, just one of many of his things left here still) and the g/f was driving and as I was asking him something about our daughter, he was literally walking away. It was like he was not allowed to talk, step in the door or anything. It really kind of makes me laugh. I am not a jealous person at all, and at times he was annoyed with things that I would say about him and other girls, but this one, this one is a real jealous freak! I think I'll just sit back and enjoy the show:)
Oh, and by the way, I AM going to meet her tonight, especially now, just soooo curious to see what she's like to be a jealous freak over HIM? I know, I know, I loved him too, but we have/had a loooong history of friendship and caring, and that's what I was most attracted to. Well, wish me luck and hopefully I will walk in that house with my head high and maybe give her more reason to be "threatened" by me.
P.S. Just so no one is upset with me seeming to be making her the villain, I really am not, but, I just think that there almost has to be an "honor" among women, and she knew about me, of course from his side of the story, but she really could have stepped aside and waited until we worked through what we were trying to, but she didn't. I know she is not my problem, he is, but I find a little twisted satisfaction that maybe, just maybe, I am causing her the slightest pang of doubt. Anyways, I will stop rambling now. Thanks again and Happy Holidays to everyone!!!