I think i am obsessed please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
I think i am obsessed please help
9
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:12pm
This is a long one but i need some advise.

Almost a year ago I broke up with my boyfriend. We had dated for almost 2 years. The longest relationship I have ever had. A few weeks after we broke up I found out that I was pregnant. of course it was his. I made a decision not to keep the pregancy. ( please don't judge me for this. It was a very hard decision to make). When i first found out that i was pregnant i made a decision not to tell him because of his health. ( he is type 2 diabetic and his health is really bad.) About 2 weeks after the proceedure I was talking to him. And for one reason or another he had guessed that i was pregnant and he knew what I had done. Well for about a month he was hoping to get back together and move forward. At the time i was really messed up in the head and was not dealing very well with what I went through. I told him that I could not be with him. That it was extremly hard for me what I had done. He and continued to talk off and on.

Well about March I recieved an email from him. It said. "I'm getting married. B" I was in complete shock at the time that I wanted to throw up. That day I picked up the phone and called him to ask him why he would just email that to me. He just said that he was telling everyone. And that he knew her for 2 months and then he asked her to marry him. It been almost six months since I learned that. And every since that day i have been trying to find out who she is, what she looks like. Also ever since then I can't get him out of my head. I think of him constantly. i even have dreams about him.. How can I make my self stop obsessing about him??

Thanks for listening

lovelyleigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:50pm
You are wondering 'what if', 'if only' and 'what makes her better, deserve is attention, love and affection, etc.'

Until you realize that nothing is wrong with you, that you are NOT LESS THAN, you will continue to feel this way. You will have to talk back to those negative feelings.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:35pm
Thanks for the advise. I guess what i am not understanding totally is that I ended it. And even when he was pushing so hard to get back together, I still pushed him away. I cared for him deeply. But i question if I am in love with him. How do you know when you are in love with someone? And now the only thing i can think about is him.. I have dreams about him. I fantansize about him. I just can't seem to move on...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 8:56am
Hi, I can relate to your conflicting emotions ... first you push him away then you obsess about him. I do the same thing in my relationships ... and so it appears to be some part (a weak part) of our psychological make-up. Maybe we don't want to follow thru with the decisions we make 'cause there's some pain involved ... and then our guy doesn't react the way we expect, and more pain. So then we've actually 'met our match' and it's a tough one. I'm in a currant similar relationship and I did some pushing and sure enough he appears to have returned to his x - and I kind of encouraged it ... am I a nutcase yet? So now I check for his e-mail 300 times a day and his calls, etc. And I'm the one who started the break-up. If it's any help I have learned that ALL men are replaceable and maybe you just need to meet the next guy in your life, me too. V
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 11-13-2004 - 7:18pm
I think anyone would be shocked to hear about their ex getting married...esp after knowing someone for only 2 months. I think you are obsessing a little to much about the situation. If you want to know more about this girl....then why not ask your ex? Maybe you can even arrange to meet her....then you would know all about her and maybe seeing him happy with someone else would help it to sink in....that he's getting married and there will no longer be a chance of being with him. Good luck and keep us posted!!











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anonymous user
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 6:22am
hi lovelyleigh. i totally understand what your going through. although our relationship breakups were in no way similar, many of the things goin on in your head after the breakup are similar to mine.

my ex broke up with me 6 months ago, and two months ago he met someone new. they are now living together.

i find myself obsessing about him/them from getting out of bed to going back to bed. trying to find out all i can from friends. the constant dreams i have of me and him are driving me crazy!!

like you i question what i am feeling and why im doing this to myself. am i in love? did i ever really love him? was it just co-dependant? am i just obsessed cause he rejected me and more so now he has found a replacement? who knows? but i feel i need to know to stop this!!

not much help i know, but at least you know your not alone on this one. if you wanna talk sometime, i could give u my email. anyways, hope you find peace one day. take care.

tracy. xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 12:48am
That is exactly how I feel. I feel in order to move on I need to know. After I found out that he was getting married to some girl. I took me by such shock.That i almost vomited twice that day. So i decied to call him to find out why he would tell me and why like that. I thought that as much as we had been through I deserved to be told in some other way than email:( He told me that he was telling everyone and because I had forward some stupid joke email he decied to tell me. I asked if she was the strange girl that called my house one saturday night.( this happened before I knew he was getting married. Some strange girl called from his cell phone number. I played like I was my sister and that i was not home. not knowing who this person was.) He told me that it was not her that was some girl that found my number in his wallet. He then preceed to tell me that she was "Brazlian". I felt like he was trying to put me down. Which just made me more sick.

I don't think i can call him to see if i can meet her. He ignores all of my emails i sent about a month after i found out that he was getting married. I was trying to get my stuff from his place. I asked him to mail it, drop it by, i even offered for my cousin to come pick it up. Nothing.. No response.

I recently moved back to my home town. trying to face the things i ran from when i was younger. He was working for a company here in my home town. And shortly he followed me here. Now i am scared to run into him and his new fiance. (I know why but that is another story)

I feel like knowing who she is and seeing him with her may bring some sort of closure to all that i am seeking. I guess what makes it worse is that i have not dated anyone since him. From everything that happened earlier this year I don't feel emotionally ready. Plus have not found anyone worth dating.

If you want u can email me at junebug891@msn.com if you feel like talking. I know I do from time to time.

thanks

lovleyleigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 7:31pm
First of all, what you are going through sounds really difficult. But it's importnat to remember that there are others out there besides him. With he being your longest relationship, and carrying his child it may seem like you have a special connection to him and it's probably true. You feel like you were closer to him than anyone else in another relationship, right? It's not abnormal to feel scared that he is going to be gone from your reach, and not an available option anymore. Keep in mind often times we want only what we can't have. This may sound harsh, but isn't it true that you weren't obsessing until you heard he was getting married? Maybe you should figure out if you really want and miss him, or if you just don't want someone else to have him. Or maybe you are scared that he will never be an option again. Just try and keep busy and focus on what will really make you happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 9:57am
lovelyleigh2004 - I feel the same way you do and I think I am obsessed.. I broke up with my boyfriend because he cheated on me numerous times in the past 5 years that we have been together. We have always gotten through the cheating because I would forgive him and move on. He moved to Orlando 2 months ago which is when it really got worse. I checked his phoen bill and he was calling females at 3 and 4 a.m. So I decided to end it since I could not trust him all the way down there even thought I was coming to see him every weekend. Well, it has been 2 months since we have broken up and I cannot stop checking his phone bill and emails. Since we have broken up, he has registered to 5 dating sites, and talks to different women every night for like 45 minutes at a time. He used over 3000 night and weekend minutes last month alone! When I checked his email recently, he has 2 'friends' that he has emailed asking them if they are going to come see him tonight! When I read that email, I drove 3 hours to Orlando to see if the girl was really at his apartment and there was a different car parked in his driveway. I could have walked in since I still have the key but I couldnt do it. I felt like I would have had closure if I would have barged in but I probably would have been going to jail for fighting ...lol. So I just drove back home. But yet he still calls and leaves messages saying he is 'thinking about me'!!!! He even text messages me and tells me he still loves me. I have not talked to him since I broke up with him. I cry every night because he is moving on so fast. I fear he is going to find someone and either have a kid or get married. I want to call him and tell him I want to get back with him and consider counseling but I don't know...... I am so confused and obsessed! If anyone can relate or give advice please post a reply or email me at mi2355@comcast.net.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 12:28pm
Just curious how do you check his phone records? I have been forcing myself from searching the internet for any hint of my ex. Normally i am searching for some sort of wedding announcement. But i have been unable to find it. Sometimes i feel like he just told me that to get me back. I am not sure how I feel about him. I have not dated anyone since january of this year. I think that is partly due to the pregnancy. And that could be the whole reason as to why I am acting like this. I can't understand how someone can move on so fast from a 2 year relationship. I am starting to think that maybe he never really loved me. I was just the way out from his relationship before me. Even when we broke up the first time. He moved on really fast. But still keeping in contact with me trying to get back together with me. Who know what he is thinking.

When i first found out that he was getting married to someone else. I felt betrayed. He had told me after the ab that he would be there for me. And I guess about the time he met her he stopped having all contact with me. So i wanted to get even. I signed him up for the "Nut of the month club". Because he was nuts to get engaged that fast. He never knew it was from me...HA.

I just so hard to stop obsessing about him. But i am trying to work on it.