i think something's really wrong with me
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| Thu, 06-10-2004 - 9:40am |
i'm screwing up at work, and i KNOW im not retarded or stupid or anything, and its all little things and people here are really good about it, but i just feel f*cking stupid because my coworkers have to keep correcting me and i dont want to be all pitiful and be like "hey cut me some slack im going through this that and the other" but i KNOW that im not living up to my potential.
and a LOT is going on w/ my family, my dad's really not well, everybody's fighting and im put in the middle of it because im expected to be thepeacemaker. and my best friend just moved in w/ me and i was SO excited to have her butnow that she's here its like...she's got a lot going on in her life and she really leans on me for support and although i know i can tell her anything i cant help but feel like i have to be strong for her.
and a lot of my friends are in "the quarter life crisis" now and it seems like all i do when i talk to them is offer them therapy. and althogh they're all fantastic and i KNOW i can talk to them about anything i need to, for some reason i just feel guilty about it. like its not fair, clearly they've got their own stuff on their mind. and i do talk to some people, but ....things just dont feel better...
and i thought i was doing well but im just developing such negative thinking. when i screw up at work i think "obviously im incompetent and everybody else thinks im incompetent " and im conscious of this thinking taking me over. i feel like im totally weak, incapable of facing the pressures of growing up, and im disgusted with myself over it. and my break up was 3 months ago and i get so angry now when i think about it cos i dont wanto feel like somebody has this kind of power over me! i'd expected that by now i'd be in the groove at work, i'd be over my break up, not 100% but i expected much more improvement.
i get so depressed all the time and i dont seem to have control over my emotions anymore. i have to take bathroom breaks at work becuase i feel tears coming on and i dont know why. and its not like ther earent good things in my life, 1 of my friends is getting married soon and we're having her bachelorette party this wknd and the wedding is next wknd and i know its going to be fun but i just cant get excited for it.
i cant get excited for anything.
any advice, suggestions? i dont mean to sound desperate but i swear i think im getting there....

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I am guessing that those around you see you as the "strong one". I too went through something similar at your age. It seemed like everyone else's life was falling apart and my problems were minor compared to theirs. It also seemed like they would call me to discuss their problems and when I would try to talk about mine, it got pushed to the wayside.
The first thing you have to realize is you can't fix other people's problems. It is fine to listen and offer advice, but these people are responsible for fixing their own problems.
I don't have the same family dynamics, but my best friend often finds herself in the same position you do, feeling like she has to play peacemaker between her 3 sisters and her parents. It is very wearing on her. I keep telling her "you cannot stress out about things you can't control". My advice is to develop stratagies when dealing with this situation. Sit down with pen in hand and give great thought to what is happening in your family, what you can do to ease the situation, and what circumstances are just beyond your control.
It's tough when those around you perceive you as the one who has it all together. It's hard to allow yourself to be venerable when you are the strong one. You get to a point when you feel like you are being over saturated with everyone's troubles.
One thing I have found is not every friend is a true friend. By that I mean your true friends will stop and really listen to you. Other friends will be self absorbed and think to themselves 'what is she complaining about, she has it made'.
When my ex and I broke up, my best friend was available to me either though email during the day, or by phone at night. I never would have made it through those first few weeks without her. When I thanked her for what seemed like literally holding my hand, she replied "no, thank you for all the times you held mine". My other very close friend would call me every weekend to check in and make sure I was doing ok. I know that those two friends, as well as my mother, are the ones I can allow myself to be venerable with.
I know you are still hurting from your breakup and haven't built up your emotional defenses yet. So all these added factors are just wearing you down. You sit at work with you head going in five different directions, never being able to fully concentrate on one given thing. Just try to step back a bit from these situation.
I think I have rambled here, but I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you and it is OK to step away from the role as the strong one, to put up your hands and say 'enough'. You are having negative thoughts because that is all you are getting from those around you. What happens, if you allow it, is when someone vents to you they are expelling their negative energy to you. They feel great after venting and you feel drained. You need to figure out how to get that positive energy back in your life.
Lois
now it sounds kinda scary.
i dont think this ALL has to do with your ex though. look at everything thats going on in your life right now.. especially the family matters. i think thats playing a bigger part in all of this.. i think thats more important to you than your ex.
if you're finding that you can't function, on more than just a "few" occasions, i hate to say it, but maybe you should really go see a councellor or something? just someone to vent to, and possibly get their professional opinion? alot of dr offices have onsite councellors who can provide sauggestions for you. its just that if you don't fix this soon, because its already been a few months, things can get alot worse, and you may end up actually being depressed... really really depressed. its not good for your health either to be this stressed out and upset all the time. so if you don't look after it asap, things will only get worse.
i dont know how else to suggest moving on from you ex, but at this point i dont thin its all about him anymore. everything is playing a factor. if councelling isn't an option to you, then perhaps you need to take a few days off of work.. or book your vacation time now, and find a good family member you can talk to, or a friend. i know you don't like talking about your problems when they have some as well, but what are friends for? really, the only thing you can do now is just talk about this, and have someone else help you figure out a way to get past all of this.
and keep this in mind when you think about your ex. he did some of this too, he's responsible for the pain and hurt he's caused. so if he EVER wants to get back together with you, think about this. you don't want to go through this a second time. but in the end, no guy is worth this crap.
OH man...I hear ya! Just had a major panic attack/mental break down yesterday. Here's what happened:
started crying at work. went home early. Thought about how scared and upset i was about the future. began to cry. couldn't breath. thought about how i'm so young and now is the only time in my life to be crazy, free, and with no real responsibilies and how if i commit to grad school, i'll be stuck in a small town for 5 years and may never have the chance to be young and free again. so i asked my self..."self--what is it that you truly want?" I couldnlt really think of an answer since there were so many things to choose from.
So i decided to try a different approach. I made a mental checklist of all the things i might do. I went through one by one and asked myself if doing this or that would make me happy.
The first item on the list was grad school. When i answered the question honestly, i was suprised to hear myself say "no, this won't make me happy right now"
The next item on the list was "stay here, in this town, at this job, where my family is, where my comfort zone is" and again i was suprised to hear myself say "no, this won't make me happy right now"
The next item was "travel...not sure where yet, but get myself on some foriegn soil and see the world" and the answer was "yes!"
I had been so afraid of dissapointing people by admitting that i didn't really want to go to grad school just yet. So i wouldn't even admit as much to myself. When i finally admitted to myself that i had changed my mind about what i wanted to do, and that it was OK to change my mind, i felt sooooooooo empowered. I went over to my parents house to talk to them about it. Rather than look at me like i was crazy, my mom said "honey, this is your life, we will be proud of you no matter what you decide to do. Grad school is a huge decision, and if you aren't ready, that's OK. Seeing the world is not a bad idea."
So now not only had i admitted what i really wanted to do, but i found out that no one would be disapointed or become judgemental by me changing my mind.
So ace, i have to ask you...what is it you want out of life? And don't be afraid if the answer suprises you. We are both young, we've got lots of time to make up our minds. Don't limit yourself to a set of options that are safe, acceptable and based on what you think are other people's expectations of you. I am slowly starting to realize that many of my goals in life were based on other people and not on me.
It sounds as though you have a lot of people depending on you right now, and that can be so stressful. But you have to ask youself this: "how much of a help can I be to these people if i am unhappy?"
And as for the bf/ex thing....its hard to get over someone when your life is a mess. But thats OK and its OK that you are still upset about it.
Consider this possibility...maybe you only think you are sad and depressed about the bf. but maybe this sadness comes from somewhere else and you are projecting it onto the break-up because its acceptable to be sad and depressed about a break-up. Its easier to say "i'm depressed because we just broke up a while ago and I'm still adjusting" Its a lot harder to say "i'm depressed because my life isn't where i want it to be and maybe i need to reconsider what i want out of life" Perhaps this isn't true of your situation, but it sure was the case with me. Now suddenly a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and i just realized i've been rambling for a really long time now. Well, i hope i've helped at least a litte bit. :-)
i really feel for you right now. i know how difficult it is to have your whole life turned upside down...and to have the added stress of having to feel like you need to be there for your friends.
here's my suggestion...tell your best friend/roommate that YOU really need HER right now. TELL HER what's been going on. tell her that you need someone to lean on because you feel that you're slipping into depression.
then, tell the rest of your girlfriends the same exact thing. maybe even set up an evening where all of you get together and the focus is YOU. break out the wine and fruit...(or better yet, chocolate and cake) and talk until you're blue in the face. REALLY LISTEN to all of the reasons your girlfriends give you as to why he's no good.
you're girlfriends will WANT to be there for you...they won't feel burdened. i actually think they'll hurt if you don't go to them. i know i would.
next, this negative self talk needs to stop. it may seem like it's harmless but it's actually VERY toxic to your well being. you need to turn it around. this may sound cheesy but every morning...look in the mirror and tell yourself five things that are good about you. this really does help.
when you begin to think negatively about yourself...STOP THE THOUGHT! you do this by shouting "NO!" in your head. then replace the thought with something positive. if you did complete the thought...really look at it. is it entirely true? probably not. so the next time you think you're incompetant...stop and think about it. no...you aren't incompetant..you're just having a rough time right now and you're distracted. YOU'RE HUMAN!
most of all...be gentle with yourself.
take care,
andrea
you are all very right that i am overwhelmed and being pulled in many different directions. i dont know if im expected to be the strong one, but i FEEL like i am. i dont know what others are thinking, its all my own perception. i know it isnt true, but i feel so guilty about laying my problems on my friends. partially so as not to appear weak and vulnerable, but also because im a litle embarassed of it.
i have told my best friend that i am going through a hard time and i want her support. i told her i need her to check in with me, to see if im okay, but...she sortof forgets...and i know she loves me and she feels so guilty, just yestrday she wa slike "im a horrible friend, im not asking you about the things you wanted me to ask you about, im not keeping tabs on you." and im like "hey its okay im fine". i have, since my break up, been talking to a lot of people, i just feel guilty about it now cos its been so long. i feel like by now, people are sick of hearing aobu tit, and i should have my life together and i shoudl be all better.
i realize thats unfair and i have to learn to be patient with myself. but saying "im only human" seems to be an all too convenient excuse for not trying, doesnt it :) okay so im putting too much pressure on myself here, an unpleasant trait that i share with my ex boyfriend is our perfectionism. with anybody else's life i can make allowances and be compassion and empathetic but i just cant seem to cut myself any slack. in some ways its a good quality cos it motivates me but when im down, i continue to kick myself and its very self destructive in that way. andrea, you are right that i need to perform some cognitive behavioral therapy on myself to stop the negative thoughts nad prevent myself from spiralling out of control. its so easy to go down that road once you start, so i have to be mindful. and its not a cheesy idea at all to look in the mirror and make some positive affirmations about myself, maybe its something i could start doing...with the door closed firmly and in a whisper that is ;) heheh
and cosmo, id ont think counseling is somethign to be embarassed about. more peole should go, its great! i've been in the past for a number of reasons, and maybe its time to start up again, its something i've considered, but i want to wait a bit and research my options more.
this is all so ironic because i want to be a psychologist one day heh.
and about my ex--well he didnt do all of this to me. he put me in a vulnerable position and i had to face a lot on my own but i am starting to wonder if i mighta been much worse off if i had used him as a crutch during this transition. im learning a lot through this struggle; and as far as getting back together--i barely thinka bout it anymore :) i've become so utterly self involved , much like he is, lol.
avalesk, have you read The Quarter Life Crisis? its a collection of memoirs by young people who realized, like yourself, that they were not where they wanted to be in life, and how travelling and seeing the world helped htem to place their lives in more perspective. although i have some issues with the book (it seems to be all aobut preppy white kids who dont have any real problems except for a bottomless wallet and too many options) it DOES have a lot of valuable insights and since they're personal memoirs you might be able to relate to 1 or 2 of the stories. my situation right now is not so much that im dissatisfied, its more like im incomplete. i LOVE my job in all honesty. its career oriented and challenging (i work with substance abusers, specifically heroin & cocaine addicts--tough population) but i really like it and im learning a lot. i like my apartment, i like most of my friends (although some im sick of heh) i do have fun and keep busy...but somewhere inside of me SOMETHING is falling apart and i dont know what that is. i feel like a piece of the puzzle is missing. you are right about one thing--i may be attributing it to my ex when thats not the problem at all. im just struggling to redefine myself in this new context and its really weighing me down.
i guess what the problem appears to be overall is, Growing Up Is Hard To Do :) and for some people its harder than others, there are more challenges, more issues and more obstacles to conquer. i cant seem to give myself a break here because i feel like what im facing right now is nothing compared to even things i've faced in the past, and nothing really that out of the ordinary. everybody gets their heart broken at some point. everybody gets a little nervous at their first job out of college. and everybody's a little lost when they're 22. so why am i making such a big deal out of it? why cant i just recognize that this is life and i gotta keep going? why do i have to sit around and ruminate and make myself miserable? i used to be so strong & stoic, and it seems like i've lost it all now. somebody remarked in a reply on this thread that my emotional defenses are really low--and thats exactly how i feel. like i havent had time to regroup the troops and head back into the battle of life, im just sitting here getting shot at and not being able to protect myself.
i will look into possibly getting some counseling. and i appreciate everybody here's support and stories. im glad to know im not alone, and im glad that youa ll believe in me even though you dont even know me!
thanks very much, you did a lot just by responding :)
I think we all can relate to things that you are going through right now, but I know it doesn¡¦t make it any easier. When it rains, it pours, eh? Everyone has offered great suggestions, and one very positive thing I have to say about you is that you are a GREAT listener. I¡¦ve read these boards off and on for several years and I¡¦ve watched so many women get defensive when people offer advice. You take what people say, think about it, and reevaluate it in a very mature manner. I would say you should be extremely proud of yourself for having this kind of attitude.
I thing the suggestion to take a mini break or a vacation is a good one. Go somewhere by yourself or join a tour group. I did that after a bad breakup and just having a cool experience and meeting new people gave me a huge confidence boost. Watching marathons of Sex and the City helped too! ƒº I have also done some short term counseling after a break up and just having someone on the outside that has to sit there and listen to you was great. I didn¡¦t feel like I was burdening my friends, even though my good friends have stuck with me in hard times. Of course you will have to do what is right for you.
Just take things slowly and don¡¦t beat yourself up. You¡¦re going through a tough time and this will pass!
I have heard of the book "Quarter Life Crisis" but have not yet read it. Perhaps i will make a trip to the library. Unfortunately the term "preppy white kids who dont have any real problems except for a bottomless wallet and too many options" almost applies to me (which makes me feel kind of guilty) except, I'm not preppy, and while my wallet goes deep at the moment, thanks to a year of hard work, it isn't bottomless :-) I'll have to check it out.
I'm glad to hear you are in a good place with your job, living arangement, and place of residence. Your job sounds really awesome. But i can understand how even with all this great stuff, you can still feel like you are missing something. Maybe it has to do with the fact that everyone keeps taking from you and not giving back? I'm not particularly religious, but it might be worth it to check out some options in the spiritualy department...maybe try some meditations or journaling to clear your head?
A counselor sounds like a good idea. That way if its just emotional stress, they can help you work through it, and if its a more serious condition (depression, clinical anxiety, etc) they can help you identify it and help you towards taking care of it.
sharing all of my problems and listening to yours has really been helpful for me. I really appreciate your willingness to share! thanks.
avalesk, didnt mean to be insulting about the book, if you read it you'll see some of the stories in there are silly, you'll just want to grab those kids and be like "get over yourselves" but some are really great and maybe worth checking out.
in terms of spirituality, i havent really decided what my religious convictions are as of yet, but i have always been a very spiritual person, i believe in the healing power of faith whether or not there's a voice on the other end sometimes its just good to talk. i also journal and write a LOT which has helped me. and of course, posting on this board has helped!
yeah i guess its hard to admit when your problem is serious enough to require some help huh? once upon a time i was really falling apart, a few years ago (a lot of sh*t went down w/ myf amily that i couldnt handle, including my dad having a stroke that left him permanently wheelchair bound just to give you an idea of how serious some of the stuff was that i was facing). at that time i said "look, this would affect anybody, you're not weak, you're human you should get help."
but now im like "argh! a BREAKUP? im upset over a BREAKUP? a DUMB BOY did this to me? are you kiddin gme?" and im so annoyed at myself and i just dont WANT to admit that i could be so affected by this person. but i guess i have to remember that it wasnt purely the loss of him in my life, it was the loss of him at that particular time when i really needed something to count on.
the other thing that makes me feel like this isnt serious enough to warrant professional attention is--everybody faces this. everybody has trouble making that college-->real world transition. and everybody gets through it in one way or another. i feel like a loser for being angsty about it when kids all over the world are doing it so fluidly. why cant i handle what is a normal part of growing up?
i guess i'll have to start looking for some peace of mind somehow though. if i chose to sit and stew then i have only myself to blame when my condition doenst improve. because i DO have control as much asi feel like i dont...
thanks guys. this venting helps so so much :)
This of course won't solve all your problems, but I think you have a lot of things going for you. Start being kind to yourself.
I was only offering the "help" or seeing a "crazy doctor" just as a suggestion, cuz unfortunately i'm all out of ideas. I haven't learned how to cope with my situation 100% yet, but i'm getting there. and all I know is talking to people, and getting input helps, alot. And like you said, its probably just the fact that he left when you really needed someone to count on in your life, its like your whole world collapsed as soon as he left, because he was the one holding it together for the time being. and thats so true in many cases. but i look at it as a good thing, because if he was the one holding you together, barely, he was just like a ford car..... it was only temporary :P and eventually it would fall apart. i always say better sooner than later.
i say making that checklist thing is a good start, and focus on what needs to be "fixed" the most... and in most cases, its concentrating on your job, and family, before it is on some stupid break up over some stupid boy. there's plenty more stupid boys in the sea. and by the sounds of it, they just keep getting dumber and dumber... :P
so cheer up, break stuff if you gotta (thats always fun), and the next time you look at yourself in the mirror, (have u ever seen that stewart smiley guy on SNL?) think " and gosh darn it, people like me." (ahaha, im sorry, that guy makes me laugh.)
"seek happy days through happy nights"
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