I thought I could date!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2006
I thought I could date!
7
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 1:21pm
Boy was I wrong. I met this really amazing guy last week and we talked on the phone for a few days, had great conversation and decided what the heck lets go out, so last night he took me to dinner and a movie and all night long all I could do was compare the poor guy to my ex. My ex and I's first date was amazingly comfortable like we had known eachother for years and I guess I was kinda hoping for something like that again. I compared my date to everything about my ex, all night all I could think was, Rick is a better dresser, Rick is bolder, Rick is more confidant...yadayadayada! And on my way home from my dates house, I cried because he wasn't Rick. Mind you, Rick and I have not even been broken up for a month, but I thought it might help to get out with someone new. But it didn't. Luckily I didn't do anything stupid to lead this guy on. But I do like him- he extremely funny, and sweet and cute- he's just not Rick. How long did it take you guys to get out of this mentality. I hate that I let the thought of him ruin my date. How do you know when your ready to date again without the emotional baggage?
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 1:29pm

I usually take a really long time to mourn and heal before I consider dating. I'm on day 12 of NC now, even though we sort of broke up in early May. I can't imagine going out with anyone before August. Sure I'll think about it, but I just don't see doing it for the reasons you just mentioned. No matter how great your date is, if you're not 100% over your ex you're just going to be comparing ... that's not fair to you or your date.

My last relationship (before this one) only lasted 3 months and it took me about 3 months to start thinking about other men and an additional 4 months to actually start dating. The relationship before that lasted about a year and a half and it took me about 6 months to be able to think about other men and another 3-4 months before I could date again. I may be a bit slow though ... Just give yourself time. You'll know when you're ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:38pm

Can't remember how long you dated your ex, but even so, a month post-breakup seems to be awfully short to think you could find something new with someone else already. A fun time, a new friend maybe, but not a new relationship yet, you're still reeling from the last one so don't sabotage a new friendship by comparing it to a previous love relationship. They're not even on the same playing field. It's hard to do, I know.

Something you said about the comfort level you experienced with your ex, probably developed over time with him and it's unfair to expect that at the very beginning of any new relationship. Everyone is different and even if a new guy isn't as bold or doesn't dress as nice, maybe he'll be more sincere, or more considerate, but you'll never see their individual strengths until you stop holding them to someone else's bar. A person's strengths are evidenced over time and experience.

I don't normally take this long to get over someone, it's been two months, but I think that was my problem before, gogn too quick and besides, this last relationship was very very different from the others and deserves a little more time and respect. I'm listening to my feelings and my gut and they'll tell me when it's right. It's not right yet, but I'll get there eventually. Every healing process is different, even with the same person, but I think it'll feel right when you want to go out for the sake of going out and having a good time, not because you think it'll help you get over the last person. This isn't a race, so just do what feels right to you.

Don't beat yourself up over this, it's just a tiny bump in the road to healing.

Sandra

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:44pm

A month is a very short time. You might want to give yourself longer because at this point it is totally normal to keep comparing the ex to the new date.

Man I wish I was so lucky to meet someone that nice so fast as you have! I have only been having terrible bad luck since I got back into the dating scene. No wonder I like relationships :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2006
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:50pm

It takes a while...but know that Rick is baggage you don't have to lug through the airport anymore.


And what about negative comparisons?

Susan

"Success is building a foundation wit

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:09am
Susan is right about making a pro and con list. I am going through a very difficult time with my boyfriend (soon to be ex if not already) and I just finshed a pro/con list on him and to my amazement, I had a page and 1/2 of cons and 5 things of pros. It is going to take me a long time to get over him before I can give my heart to someone else but the one con I keep looking at is that he doesn't want to be with me. What I plan on doing is not sit at home thinking about it but get out there and meet people but explain to them that I am not ready for realtionship but would like to go out and have fun for now. I think as you date more and you are still hung up on your ex, being up front and honest with your date is the best way to go about it so noone gets hurt in the long run.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:24am
I broke up with my boyfriend back in December (broke up with him again last Thursday). He is a heavy drinker with a bad temper. Like you, I tried to date too soon. I went out with an amazing guy. He was cute, loaded,and respectful. I would cry after I left him for the same reasons. I know this time to wait until my gut tells me I'm ready. It feels as if someone I love has died & I know I must endure the mourning of the loss. I invested a lot of time and effort (and money) into that sorry excuse for a relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 3:17pm

hi funlvnbabe23

i know what you talking about dear..i think just fallow your gut not to date that guy...maybe its a big sign for you.

well about the timing(DATING AGAIN)..you cant really tell. TRUST ME!! UNLESS YOUR READY TO GAMBLE AGAIN...coz for me being in a relationship is like your gambling...you dont know if you gonna win or lost.