i thought i was doing fine...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2007
i thought i was doing fine...
1
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 8:39am

Yesterday was tough. It was my first holiday without my ex. Yesterday also marked the 3 week mark of our breakup. From the get-go, I woke up quite depressed. Thoughts of our usual Thanksgiving routines and traditions ran through my head. I found myself thinking "at this time we would have done this..." For the past couple of days I had felt a strange sense of empowerment. I felt that I could get through this and that I was finally getting over him. The weekend before last I had found out through a mutual friend that he had confided that he "lies to his girlfriend in order to do things with friends." Now I don't know how frequent these lies were and exactly what he ends up doing, but knowing this acted as a catalyst for getting over the failed relationship. Why would I miss a relationship where my boyfriend: puts friends first, lies to me, and acts disrespectful (especially after the breakup). I would never be able to trust him again.

However, I went to a party a few nights ago with a bunch of new friends. I was quite proud that I was able to meet so many new people who had taken me in as if they had known me for years. At the party I ran into old friends, some who did not know about the breakup and asked where my ex was (I hate having to explain that we're no longer a couple) and some who knew and gave me hugs and support. I was having fun, dancing and catching up with many people. Then towards the end of the night I ran into the friend who had "hooked" me and my ex together. He was in town for the holidays. He asked me what happened and told me that my ex was supposed to come out to the same party that night but he was afraid of seeing me because if he saw me, he was afraid of starting the over. He told me that my ex was handling the breakup badly. At first being angry, I explained that if it were up to me we wouldn't have even broken up in the first place and that it was his choice to end things. The friend then said "if i can hook you guys up, I can get you back together."

I wish he didn't say that. I know my ex isn't good for me, and if he wanted me back he would have came back already. But now that little empty feeling in my heart came back. False hope? I don't know. Either way I cried when I got home. I cried yesterday. I am typing this having just woken up from a dream where we reconciled, hugged and kissed. I could smell his scent in my dream. I woke up feeling extremely lonely. Oddly, a song was playing in the background of my dream and continued to play in my mind as I awoke "All Cried Out." I'm beginning to think I'll never get over him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2007
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 1:11pm

Ming -