I told him last night...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
I told him last night...
4
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 3:01pm

I couldn't figure out how to post a new reply to my old discussion, but here I am again.

I finally found the nerve to tell him last night that our relationship isn't working out. I made dinner, cleaned up and we went to bed. We were both laying there, playing with our cats. He was looking at me, I glanced over but quickly turned my head away because I didn't want to look at him. He said, "What was that look for?", playfully.

I was silent for a bit then said, "What's happening to us? I feel like we're growing apart." I didn't feel sad, didn't cry or flinch. Then I just let it all out. I told him that I couldn't deal with being with someone who didn't love me the same way. I told him that part of me stopped loving him when he ignored me for a month and a half. We argued, he told me that it was because I was cold, distant.

Finally, he said to me "It seems like you've made up your mind. If I can't make you happy, then it's your call". He didn't even put up a fight.

This morning, he woke me up by slapping the pillow really hard and said "What do you want to do now??". I replied, "I'm can't talk to you when you're angry" and left it at that.

I was a little bit dumbfounded this morning, a bit of shock, dismay, but also relieved. What do I do now? Do I just go home and talk some more? Should I start to look for an apartment? Find a lawyer?

I don't know!

This is the previous post: http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/messages?msg=20145.15

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 10:09pm

I'm sure that wasn't easy.

Can't speak for girl genius, of course, but since she's no longer here, I would venture to guess that part of the reason behind her suggestion to get counseling first was so you could come up with a plan to present your husband of how this is going to work (e.g., you'll go stay with a friend for the time being, stuff like that). I do think that since you were the one to break up, it's up to you to stay elsewhere so you don't add insult to injury (there are few things worse than having to stay in the same house with someone who has just broken up with you).

So, first things first: find a friend or family member to go stay with for the time being. And yes, go see a lawyer to get a separation agreement in place. You don't have to file for divorce right away if you're not ready to do that, but you should have an agreement in place that covers who's responsible for what, financially, for the time being.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 11:00pm
I agree with Sheri. You need to leave now...so you can be taken seriously. Put the action to what has been burning in your heart. If you stay than you have relieved your mind by telling him, but you are still in the same predicament and nothing has changed. It will repeat and repeat. You could stay with a friend, and make plans to visit your family, because you will start to feel something, it will hit you. Today is a new beginning, don't look back. We are here for you. Mo
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 9:14pm

I did it. I'm staying with a friend. My husband seems to think that I'm just taking a little break to get away and we'll go back to normal. We had another talk after the last one where he finally realized how he screwed up. I still feel bad for him, because he truly believes that everything will work out. He's called me twice, mainly because of the pets and some paperwork.. but it pains me that he still calls me "babe".

My heart aches for that comfort zone, but I know that this won't work out. It aches from time to time and I long to fall into someone's arms and just make it go away. I have plenty of friends, get plenty of hugs, but its' just not the same. Am I just not comfortable being by myself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Thu, 06-22-2006 - 12:22pm
It will come in time. You are going to have to experience the pain. You need to depend on yourself and find the comfort there or you will end up walking into the same old relationship as before. For a healthy relationship you have to have some sense of who you are. I really think that talking to someone will do you a great deal of good. Time will heal the wounds. Try not to feel too sorry for your husband. He will survive and you may end up as friends. He can't and you know it, give you what you need. Don't get to the end of your life and regret what you can change now. You CAN do this. You will and you know you have to. Remember what the Dr. said, your flowers are coming and there is love waiting for you. Move forward, even if it is slow and painful, and know that we are here for you!