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| Sat, 02-12-2005 - 11:21am |
I broke up with my boyfriend this week....
Actually, we are both taking time to 'think', however, I know how I feel. He would have to have some kind of epiphany (and further help) to make this work
Boyfriend's background: He was married for 14 years to a woman who cheated on him almost from day 1 (one time he found her making out with his best friend and that was only about 2 weeks after his oldest child was born). Prior to that he dated a girl for 6 months or so. When he broke up with her she committed suicide....
We were together for 6 months. After his marriage he saw a girl for 9 months, I was the next in line about a year later. I thought it was a good thing that I wasn't the transition girl, but I guess his issues are still very deep.
All through our relationship I felt that I was the pursuer. He would always come over or go out with me when I initiated. Ocassionally he would call me first. But I am a planner and he is the last minute kind of guy, so I tried not to take it all too personally.
I felt that we got close and actually closer since the end of November. I saw changes in him.....he looked at me very differently, he was much more affectionate and sweet. His voice was softer when he was talking to me. He seemed to be falling for me. To be honest, he is a very affectionate man and when I was with him (2-3 times a week) he was so loving. We always stayed overnight at each other's houses everytime we were together since October.
The issues I have with him stem from the fact that when we aren't together, there seems to be an emotional disconnection. He has his kids every other weekend and so twice a month I wouldn't see him for 5 days at a time. He wouldn't call me, email or get in touch with me in any way. Finally I started text messaging him or emailing him to leave little messages to try to stay connected. He would usually respond but would never do this first. I couldn't understand the two extremes I was feeling with him....so connected when we were together and so disconnected when we were apart.
Finally, after feeling this way for months we talked this week. Prior to this 'talk' we had a similar talk in Novemeber, but I was really trying to just give him time knowing his past circumstances.
During our talk he gave me many mixed messages (just as I had been getting in the past).....doesn't know if he should be in a relationship, knows he needs help (counseling), really cares about me a lot, sometimes feels he loves me, other times doesn't really know, maybe he's commitment phobic, can't really give me any answers....etc.
I told him on Tuesday night that I would stick by him because he's worth it. He seems so happy and thanked me. But over the next day or two I had such mixed feelings about this.
My thoughts were: he is getting what he needs (love and support from me) but will he still get the further help he needs. What am I getting out of this relationship? He doesn't have to do any work here, just coast along, as I felt he did throughout the entire 6 months. Why do i want to be with someone who either really doesn't want me or is emotionally blocked. I might add that he never has any highs or lows.....just is very even....and unaffected about things. I thought in the beginning that he was just very easy going.....
So I told him that he needs to get help so he can be happy. He agrees and says that he would like to feel good about his relationships and himself, instead of just ok. That really sums it up for me. I think he has low level depression. We both agreed that we need time to think. He told me that I am a wonderful, sweet person and that he absolutely has not one issue with me....that I am easy. He said that he wasn't sure if we had enough in common, which really annoyed me, because we do have things in common, I tried to enjoy his interests with him (and actually did) and this "problem" never even entered our relationship at all. I thought the comment was a big copout....something that could make him feel that things weren't his fault (which they really aren't except that his lack of getting help just keeps delaying his relationships).
What would you do if you were me. I plan to sit back and wait a month to see if he realizes that he misses me....and gets help. I'm afraid his depression will hold him back from counseling. I want to add that I've always been very loving and supportive of him. I did tell him this week that I love him....always held back because I didn't want to scare him.
Suggestions would be so appreciated.
| Mon, 02-14-2005 - 10:38pm |
