I want Adam Reeves Back

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2004
I want Adam Reeves Back
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 3:42pm
My name basically says it all. I just want a prince.

I hope ya'll listen- and maybe give me some good advice. I've just been so confused about everything lately. I feel like I've been living inside out and upside down for a few months.

This is my story- I'll try to keep it entertaining. I promise.

Mainly about Adam- the boy I've been on and off with since I was 15. I'm now almost 20.

I met Adam when I was a sophomore in highschool. And here it goes. For the first time ever, I am open heartedly admitting: I met Adam online. I was always the shy, insecure type in highschool. My escape was logging onto the internet. My escape, soon became Adam.

We talked everyday. For hours. It was endless. We really enjoyed eachother's company. There was never a moment when I was bored talking to him. We started to becoe so close. Unbelievably close. I considered him my best friend.

I noticed I started falling for Adam when I was 17. He soon became everything I ever thought I wanted. I had it set in my mind- that this was the man for me. He brought out the best in me. He could make me smile on the worst of my days. He always had the perfect words to cheer me up. And most importantly. He was always there for me. Whenever I needed him. No questions asked. He was always there.

When I was 18.. I slowly started noticing that our friendship was fading. This same boy that always seemed to bring the best out of... was bringing out the worst in me too. We were constantly fighting. We were constantly taking breaks, and making up.

I was infatuated with him. I had fallen hard. He started to become my every thought. I was in love. He became my center. There was nothing I could do without him. I became insecure when he wasnt around. I lost my confidence.

The worst part being: he didnt love me the same. He loved and cared for me, but wasnt in love with me.. the way I was with him.

I had to put my feelings on the line. I had to secrete what i was feeling inside... and be his friend.. and nothing more. I wasnt allowed to express myself to him. We soon started keeping secrets from eachother. He'd never tell me of the girls he was dating- because I'd get so jealous and hurt... with him even mentioning someone of the opposite sex.

So, I faked it. I pretended I wasnt in love with him anymore- so I could get close to him. I'd paste a smile on my face when he'd talk of the girls he was seeing. I was faking it. I was singing a song, and I didnt know the words. My heart didnt follow the tune.

And through all this, we became close again. He enver knew the hurt I had inside. He never knew what I was going through- what I was feeling. I desperately wanted to get over him. I didnt wanna love him anymore. But my heart ached for him. Everything hurt. I cried myself to sleep everynight.

When I turned 19... My family went to his hometown for vacation. We finally agreed to meet.

It started out wonderful. He was everything I ever dreamed of having. He was perfect, so sweet to me. He was sitting right beside me the very moment I turned 19.

It turned into havic. I was expecting more out of it. I scared him away. I left town feeling hopeless, and rejected. The worst hurt I ever felt in my life.

I spent three months missing him, and trying to forget him. It was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do.

And now we're talking again. And for the first time ever I feel like we're connected, like we finally truly understand eachother. We've sorted out our mistakes. He's finally figured out an appropriate way to treat me- He told me he cares for me, and would do anything for me.

He loves me. Hes my support. Hes my best friend. Hes truly my other half. I truly love him.

I can finally talk to him about girls without feeling the jealousy. I tell him of the guys Im dating. We're doing great.

And then last night, the guy I've been seeing, Nathan, rejected me.

Just feeling a little down... after recieving a rejection tonight. From Nathan. Its not that Im upset that he rejected me. I barely know him. I'm leaving in a week. It's not him at all... Its just the principal..

I've been holding in all of this hurt since March... Losing Adam- someone I thought I'd love forever. And losing Tim.. one of my closest and truest friends.

And all the hurt and anger of Adam and Tim just sorda came out tonight. Nicoley and Wayne were there to comfort me. But all I wanted was Adam. All I wanted to do was call him- and tell him I needed him... hear his soothing words... hearing him play piano for me until I forgot all of my worries.

I knew I couldnt.

I just started crying. I've been without him forever. I just miss him.. and as much as I never want to feel the hurt he caused me ever again- I just want the old adam back. The adam i loved with all of my heart- the adam... i was willing to give anything up for. the adam i honestly thought id be spending life with.

And I'm starting to quesiton... if my heart is ever going to heal. I am so sick of spending all of these months building my hope and faith in myself.... to have it taken from me in an instant.

Im so tired of feeling discouraged- as soon as I am starting to feel strong again.

Im beginning to wonder.. if I ever will find love again. That one person who takes my breath away- who makes me feel like a better person just being around them. Who loves me equally- willing to give up everything for me. Who appreciates and loves me. For me. I've never asked for much. Just to love and be loved in return. Its that simple.