I want to call him!
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| Fri, 02-16-2007 - 7:50pm |
I want to call him so bad! I know I don't need to. I just want to hear his voice. I want to talk to him about us. I don't want my marriage to be over, and I want to tell him that. I'm afraid that he hasn't called because he's waiting for me to call. At least that's what he said the first time he left for 2 days. But then a week later he left again. I want to ask him if he's willing to try again and see if we can work this out. I want to tell him I love him.
I tried going to the gym to clear my mind, but as soon as I was finished, my thoughts immediately drifted back to him. His mom's gone out of town for the weekend, so it would be easy for us to talk without anyone knowing and interfering.
Do I call? I miss him so bad, and I'm afraid that since he hasn't heard me say that, then he thinks I'm fine with this. When he first left, I made such a big deal about money because he was leaving me with all the bills, and a really old car (17). He kept saying that I could have the tax money since that is all I am worried about. I tried to tell him that worrying about that was easier than worrying about him, but each time I would just start crying.
what do I do?

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Look, if this were some boyfriend, I'd probably tell you to let it be, but it's not, this is your husband and I don't believe you've told him your truth.
Wow, you're harsh. What do you mean told him my truth? He's the one that hasn't told me anything. He just left, twice in the same month. All he can say is that he doesn't love me anymore. I told him that is not how I feel, and I don't want us to separate. You asked where was my heart in all of this? My heart was breaking. My heart is full of pain that he doesn't want to know about because he would get exasperated and sigh and walk away when I tried to talk with him and would start to cry. Maybe my heart needed a break too, but a week of no contact, and two weeks of no explanations or discussions is all I can take.
What do you mean where were the real reasons, and do I even know what they are? He left me. I didn't tell him to go, I didn't beg him to stay because I knew that would just make things harder for me. I wrapped myself in a cocoon and just let the world continue around me for a week before I decided to snap out of it. He left me, and has not called, texted, or emailed me without me doing so first. He's only done things to distance himself from me.
As far as the tax refund, it's my money. He said I could have all of it to put down on a car since that is what we had planned anyway. Also, he did not have a job for a year, so really he's only been working since September. That's only 4 months to go toward the taxes. I didn't completely clean out the bank account. There is still $425 in there, and his last paycheck was only $587. Besides, I'm the one with rent, utilities, and a car payment. He's living with his mom and doesn't have any bills besides gas and groceries.
Do I honestly think him capable of stealing from me? I didn't think so, but when he is still spending the money and not contributing, I don't think that's right. And when his auto insurance is still scheduled to be withdrawn from the account, I don't think that's right either. He told me to get my own policy, so I did. He told me to get my own everything, but that if I can't get a cell, then to let it be for now.
I don't think he will be detained. I reported his card lost, that the last place he used it was to get gas and must have dropped it. Our school district only does direct deposit, so that means he has another checking account somewhere. Why can't he use that money?
And yes, lately I have been reacting first, but I feel that I need to protect me when he won't talk to me. I know that is something I need to work on, but when I have a car payment and rent and many other bills, I can't take a chance on some crazy ebay purchase. He's a collector, and really enjoys ebay.
I am trying to make my life work with him and without him because that seems to be what he wants. I have called him three times already this evening. He won't answer. I've only left him one voicemail. I almost just want to drive over there to see if he's home, but I'm afraid of making him angry and pushing him away even more.
Hi mberber,
::I have called him three times already this evening. He won't answer. I've only left him one voicemail. I almost just want to drive over there to see if he's home, but I'm afraid of making him angry and pushing him away even more.
What if he's already found out that you reported the card
....."I think when Sandra said you haven't told him your truth, I think she means you haven't shared with him what you've really, really wanted to say (your truth), so that's what's pushing you inside to want to do so now.".....
That's pretty much 1000% what I meant.
I just got off the phone with him. I sent him an email, and a text msg, and he called back right away. We spent a little over an hour on the phone. Both of us crying, but both of us talking. He's opened up finally. I can see and admit some of the things I've done wrong now, and he admits that he was wrong for not ever bringing it up. He says he didn't want to fight about it, so he never really said how he was feeling. He says that his feelings for me and our marriage have been dwindling for about a year, but that it wasn't until August that he realized it was happening. He says that he's just been trying to get up the courage to leave since Nov. or so. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, and that he doesn't have any ill feelings toward me whatsoever. He's acutally relieved that I am doing (as he says) so well. He's glad that I am taking care of myself and that I am doing things for myself, like church, book study groups at church, going to the gym, and purchased a car.
One thing he just kept saying was that he knows this is hard for me. I finally asked him "Is it not hard for you?". He said that yes it is, and then told me that he doesn't eat but maybe a sandwich once a day, and he doesn't do anything but go to work, class on Monday night, and go back to his mom's house. I feel bad for him, but that kind of puts a plus on my side that maybe he does miss me, he just doesn't realize it yet.
We talked about a lot of things. I told him how much I miss him, and that I want nothing more than to get a hug from him and be able to nuzzle my head in the center of his chest. That upset him because he says that he didn't know I felt that way.
I did ask if there was any hope for us, and the conversation drifted from that topic and back again a couple different times. It boiled down to that he really just doesn't know. He says he doesn't know if he wants a divorce (another good one for me? maybe?), but that he doesn't have any feelings for me either. He finally just said he needs space and time; time to think and get his head around things. I told him I can give him that. I asked him if he would consider counseling and he said not right now. He said he's not ready for that, and he doesn't think it would change anything. He thinks everything is just going to go right back to how it was before. I couldn't convince him otherwise tonight. He said that maybe in a few weeks he'll feel different. So I brought up spring break in 3 weeks. Then he started telling me how he and his friend Eddie are going to maybe go to Louisiana and go gambling. I have been trying to get him to do that for 3 years now, but I didn't say that. I just said, "Oh, well I was hoping that maybe we could talk again by then and maybe see each other." All that did was make him recoil, sigh, and say, "I don't know, I'll have to think about it."
I need to find myself a counselor soon. I wanted to do that last week, but I never did make any calls. Maybe if I get myself into counseling, I can figure out what I need to do to make things better with him.
He did say that I could call him or email him whenever I wanted, that i didn't have to be afraid. I told him that he can do the same.
Hi again, It sounds like you feel a little better after sharing a lot of what you wanted to during the conversation. I think for the most part that is good. If he's
Whoa there, Slugger.
Very glad to hear you talked, I was busy writing to you when I guess this all happened ;)
So anyway, strictly from an outsider's point of view,
yes, actually it did. That was the first thing we talked about. The ebay purchases were an accident. He thought he had set up the paypal account with his new checking account, but for some reason it didn't go through correctly. Then the check card purchases were made because his check was in limbo because admin screwed up and he needed gas and groceries. He said he's already cut up the card. Then I told him what I did and apologized. He's going to close the bank account today if the tax refund goes through and wants to mail me the $ in a cashiers check. He asked me for money ($200). I had to explain to him 3-4 times that the $ I left in the account yesterday was for him. Finally he accepted it and said he would mail the tax money. He forgot about the auto insurance.
Later I emailed him and told him about a check I mailed out earlier this week. Then I asked that if he is able to close the account today, then I would like to meet just for a minute to exchange the money, and his mail. That way I can deposit the money and go pay my down payment on my car. He wrote back and said that he will let me know if he's able to close the account.
I'm just very glad we talked, and were able to tell each other how we feel. Now I have to wait to see if he's willing to try to work things out. I just don't know how long I'm supposed to wait, and i don't want to be the one who makes all the contact. I want him to want me back. I just don't know what else I can do to show him. I know I just need to leave him be for now, but what about in a few weeks? Do I just sit around and wait? He says that he doesn't think that there are any feelings for me anymore. I want to start over. What do I do to convince him to let me try to put that spark back into our relationship? How do I show him that I want to change?
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