i want my heart to agree with my brain!
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i want my heart to agree with my brain!
| Sun, 08-29-2004 - 4:10pm |
Ok, someone seriously has to help me here before i lose my mind.
Two weeks ago, i broke up with my boyfriend of five months. The reasoning behind is he has no license(lost it for DD), lives 45 mins away . He has no motivation in life...
he works part time doing construction, doesnt really seem to have much ambition to get an education or better himself. He was sneaky The whole time we were together i had my feelings that he would lie to me, would always tell me he was going to bed at night and then i would find out he sneaks out at night..it even went as far as me finding cocaine in his pocket..which he said was old...etc. Ok i could go on and on about why he was "bad" news. but at the same time we had so much fun together...and we spent all over our free time together.
I thought when i broke up with him that i would put a "scare" into him...that he would miss me so much, or would realize that i mean a lot to him..and try and put more effort into things..like even attempting to get his license back. I told him i felt i was the only who put effort into things, etc.(in the long run of things we just couldnt keep going like this) I thought he would miss me so much and go crazy without seeing me...and realize that iam worth putting his life together.
The first week we talked and now its gone to nothing...
I feel now that i have made such a huge mistake...and iam not sure why. I cry everyday all i ever do is think about him. I want to see him so bad, i try to contact him(which i want so bad not to do) and everytime he is busy..and says "well some other time". i try text msging him..as we were doing a lot of that last week..and now he isnt even replying..and if he does its 2 days later. I have told him that i felt i made a mistake..
and that i wanted to see him and talk...and try work things out...
Its so hard cuz my brain is telling me i made the right choice but my heart is telling me something completly opposite. I dont know what else to do, and now its getting to the point where he wont even talk to me now. iam devestated that he just gave up on me that fast...and iam the one who is sitting here crying. Someone please help. I dont know how to handle these emotions and this horrible pain. what should i do?
Two weeks ago, i broke up with my boyfriend of five months. The reasoning behind is he has no license(lost it for DD), lives 45 mins away . He has no motivation in life...
he works part time doing construction, doesnt really seem to have much ambition to get an education or better himself. He was sneaky The whole time we were together i had my feelings that he would lie to me, would always tell me he was going to bed at night and then i would find out he sneaks out at night..it even went as far as me finding cocaine in his pocket..which he said was old...etc. Ok i could go on and on about why he was "bad" news. but at the same time we had so much fun together...and we spent all over our free time together.
I thought when i broke up with him that i would put a "scare" into him...that he would miss me so much, or would realize that i mean a lot to him..and try and put more effort into things..like even attempting to get his license back. I told him i felt i was the only who put effort into things, etc.(in the long run of things we just couldnt keep going like this) I thought he would miss me so much and go crazy without seeing me...and realize that iam worth putting his life together.
The first week we talked and now its gone to nothing...
I feel now that i have made such a huge mistake...and iam not sure why. I cry everyday all i ever do is think about him. I want to see him so bad, i try to contact him(which i want so bad not to do) and everytime he is busy..and says "well some other time". i try text msging him..as we were doing a lot of that last week..and now he isnt even replying..and if he does its 2 days later. I have told him that i felt i made a mistake..
and that i wanted to see him and talk...and try work things out...
Its so hard cuz my brain is telling me i made the right choice but my heart is telling me something completly opposite. I dont know what else to do, and now its getting to the point where he wont even talk to me now. iam devestated that he just gave up on me that fast...and iam the one who is sitting here crying. Someone please help. I dont know how to handle these emotions and this horrible pain. what should i do?

- You have only been together for 5 months and there are some deep, serious problems you are already having with basic compatibility conflicts... Can you imagine in another 5 months how much more of this SAME stuff would bother you? If you cannot accept him as is, for who he is, currently, that would mean you would be trying to change the core of who he is right now... Deep down you know he's not right for you, but you have to get to the root as to WHY you are feeling this way; calling/messaging him back when you KNOW this to be a fact, deep, deep down... Perhaps there are some things within yourself you could work on? Why do you feel this desperate urge to win him back? Time alone and Soul-searching might help you see clearly....
- You think he is "bad news" in a lot of ways....
- He lost his license... meaning, it's you doing all of the coordinating to see him?
- To make it worse... for DD... possible problem with irresponsbility and the risk of not only his own, but others' lives... a problem that would let him go that far? That is totally preventative... I see his actions as a careless, selfish choice that could relate to character issues... I find it hard to see that as a bad mistake... A good friend of mine is paralyzed because of that "bad mistake" made by someone else... My sensitivity towards that is heightened...
- He lives 45 minutes away... Is that a treck that you had to make most of the time since you say he didn't put effort into the relationship?
- He had NO motivation... This is not something you can change about him... He has to want to change this and actively do things on his own to change his behavior if he sees this as a problem... But it appears, he doesn't, so he wont... It is not your responsbility to have him act as a responsible adult... It is not your job to be miracle worker and make him work to his potential... You don't want to be his mom, you want to be his girlfriend in a mutually satisfying relationship...
- You appear to be bothered about his lack of education or bettering of himself... Lack of ambition... Again, he is happy with how he is... Who are you to judge or change him? If he speaks of changes, you need to see action and motivation coming from him to do that... You cannot make him be something he is not... This would mean you don't love him for him and his personality... Why try to change someone or mold them into something they aren't or something you want them to be? Find someone more compatible with your goals, and basic values in life... He's not it...
- You had no trust in your relationship... You felt be lied to you based on your gut instincts... and this was evidenced by his capability to sneak out at night not knowing his wherabouts and leaving his life a mystery to you... Without trust and open communication, you have nothing... A relationship is a dead-end right from the start if it doesn't begin with healthy communication... Do you really, truly KNOW him?? How can this be true love, if you don't truly KNOW who he is, his heart, soul, and character... Did you know him prior to the 5 months? That is not a long time... So the fact that you are seeing all of these true colors so soon, leads me to believe that more would unfold with time... I believe it takes at least a full year of seeing a person in different situations and settings to know the real them... The fact that he is being dishonest with you already is a huge warning sign... I am sure you felt those instincts popping in when these incidents occured, but you overlooked them because you felt you were "in love..." because you wanted him to be "the one..." and you thought that you could possibly change him... and these things about him that make him who he is and about currently...
- He is into drugs, or was... If the coccaine was old, why would it be in his pocket? Does he ever wash his clothes? HOW old was it... Prior to your 5 months together? And even if it was in a coat pocket or whatever the case, were you aware that his values allow him to use drugs or abuse them in the past? Using drugs is make or break in some relationships for some people... Do you agree with the drug usage in any form, or not? Did he share his past with you at all?
- It was a one-sided relationship where you felt you were doing everything to keep it going... and kept wishing and hoping and dreaming that he would just SEE how good he's got it in you, and that he would find this relationship just as important as you see it... but he didn't... He doesn't value many of the same things you do on many levels...
- You thought that by breaking up with him you could make him want to do these things, like get his life together (license back), and would put effort into the relationship... but you are clearly seeing that it he is just as unmotivated in that area of life... That type of personality characteristic overlaps into a lot of areas... Do you really want a man back that would give you up so fast, ignore communication, and had all of these downfalls that you don't appear to agree with or like much anyways...? Don't you feel you are worth a lot more, to be with someone who truly wants to be in a relationship with you, who is mature and stable enough to know what it takes to make a relationship work... what he wants in life and love... who is open to communication, respect, commitment, and honesty to you? You DESERVE all of those things if this is what you demand and KNOW you deserve...if this is what YOu want... It sounds like you have so much to offer to the right man...
Hope that helped you regain some of your "sanity..." It's difficult in the midst of a situation to fight that battle over heart and head... But, I think that you could have made a wise decision... Your heart will soon find that out once you give it some time, and focus more on YOU. Don't lose your self-dignity/worth or respect through all of this... It's not worth it... He doesn't appear worth it to you when it comes down to it or compatible on the most basic levels...
Good luck....
~~SD~~
~~SD~~
Here's what I've learned. The important thing is that you've acted with your head by ending the relationship. Yes, you will have all kinds of pangs from your heart, but as long as outwardly you have taken the necessary steps to do what you know in your head is the right course of action, you're doing great. You'd think that you shouldn't feel these things for an idiot who isn't right for you, but feelings sometimes are just involuntary and difficult to control, you can feel them, so long as you don't act on them, so long as you stay on the head-charted path.
It is critically important to stay out of contact with him, however. Being in contact with him makes it too easy to forget all the things about him that make the relationship a terrible idea, makes it too easy for attraction and pheremones and nostalgic happy memories to override the difficult decision you made after much soul-searching. If he's anything like most toxic guys I've known, he can be very charming, sexy, funny, even remorseful, but he WILL NOT CHANGE. The more charming and endearing he is, the less likely he is to change.
Make yourself a stack of index card with every bad thing about him on it, every time he made you feel bad or embarassed you, even every bad thing you can imagine going wrong if you stayed with him (because of my cancer, I may have difficulty carrying a pregnancy or may be unable to have children - I imagined how my ex would behave during that, and it shocked and scared me, that was a good "reminder" to keep around). Really brainstorm with these cards, and make the biggest stack you can. Then flip through it each and every time you want to back down from your decision, to call him, whatever. Don't let yourself forget why you made this hard decision. And, if you can, get angry. Get angry at all the things he's done, at how you gave and gave and he just refused to give anything back. It's easier to stay away if you're made at him, try to manufacture some anger.
Finally, it's trite, but it really just takes time. In time, you really will come to believe, in your heart, what your head already knows. Just don't fall into some Hollywood trap of believing that, if you still have feelings for him, your head must be wrong. Feelings are senseless, and lead you to make a lot of stupid decisions - trust your head on this one, and your feelings will fall into line.