I WANT OUT! Guilt!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
I WANT OUT! Guilt!!!!!!!!
8
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 3:19pm
Hi all,

I need some help. I have been with my boyfriend now for about 6 months. He is the sweetest and kindest man I've ever met, but I simply can't be with him anymore.

We fight all the time! He has alot of insecurity issues and I am not able to get any time to myself, or if I do we end up in a fight about it because he is scared. I spend ALL WEEKEND with him because I'm tired of trying to get time to myself or girlfriends.

He will not allow me to have the strong friendship I have had with a male friend of mine for 4 years. I barely talk to my friend now just to keep everything smooth.

I feel very little for him sexually. I have to push myself.

I have been with bad guy after bad guy and now I finally find someone that truly cares about me, I can't be with him.

My problem is, I have broken up with him a few times and each time he FLIPPED OUT!!! Cried like someone had killed his mother. I had ever seen anyone that emotionally distraught before. I could not deal with the emotions he was going through (I don't hate him) and I said we could get back together as long as he understood we need to get some therapy or something. It's been about a month. It's not better. I have a big birthday coming up in 2 weeks, the biggest celebration I have ever planned and I'm afraid he is going to ruin it. (that sounded selfish *sigh*). He has bought me alot of stuff for my birthday. I don't want any of it. I want to just be alone again.

Is it wrong to break up over the phone. I just can't be around him, he freaks out to much when I ended it before.

Your advise is much needed!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 5:59pm
Heck, yes, in this case it's not only OK, it would be WISE to break up over the phone! I'd also take the precaution of having someone stay with you for a while if you live alone. He sounds like an unstable control freak, not a "nice guy"!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 6:04pm
Look - he's not a "good guy" - he's insecure, immature, you're his identity and source of social acceptance, self-acceptance and potential success in life. Naturally he's going to carry like someone killed his mother if you leave....he considers himself like the witch of the north in Wizard of Oz, and if you leave him he's "melting, melting, melting" into a non-existence.

Call him, end it....and get prepared to have police intervention if he doesn't leave you alone. I'm serious - you think it won't get that far because he's been a sheep up to now....but he's going to be as MAD later as he is compliant now, if you really end it.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:47am
I really appreciate all the responses. I'm a little scared actually. I am thinking of doing it tonight after work and going to a hotel for the night. The last time I broke up with him he came to my apartment in the middle of the night and left a long letter on my car. HOW DID I GET INTO THIS MESS!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 12:17pm
You got into this mess because someone worshipping your every move, and hanging on your every word, and having "every feeling that you have" and agreeing with everything you say and do was "what you wanted in a mate".

Which should have said to you "I'm a transparent, irrelevant non-entity unless I'm attached to and living vicariously through someone else."

Don't "run" from this issue...although if you wish to stay at a hotel, go ahead. Just realize that if you meant it - and it's over.....that it is not "over" to him because it's all he had as a source of identity, success, security, happiness, completion, and acceptance - and so you've become a "source" of all those things by his way of reasoning.

He's going to "want you back" - you're all he's got...and he's been "out there' trying to find something to cling to and leech off of - and it "never lasts". So any source that has been a known source - is going to be pursued.

How long, how hard, how impactively - depends entirely on his ability and willingness to procure a new "source" of those things.

So end it....don't prolong it. Don't recontact...so that if you do end up in a situation of police involvement...the message that you've been sending is consistent, congruent and can't be "confused". It's the message of "we're done, I do not want you in my life in any capacity." How nuts he is.....depends on how far he'll go. Might you have to press charges? Yes. Might you need police protection from his anger and outrage? Yes. In which case, realize that the police deal with facts and not feelings...and the fact needs to be that the message tha tyou've been sending in every capacity is the same "I want nothing to do with you" - because when they're called upon to protect you - they have to know that when they take him down, you're not going too leap on their backs screaming and hitting them going "let him go, let him go, I didn't mean it, really I didn't."


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 2:15pm
Wonderful, wonderful advice. I called and had my home phone # changed and paid the extra $3 a month to have it as a private number. By the way, if you ever need to change your phone number due to a stalker, it is free, but I think that's just a one time deal.

I am thinking of staying in a hotel mainly because the last time we broke up I stayed up ALL NIGHT worried he was going to come to my door. To walk out to my car in the morning and see a note on it freaked me out.

I know he is not going to give up easily at all, which means I'm going to have to be very abrupt with my statements and very possibly end the call by hanging up on him because he will not just accept this and say goodbye.

I don't like that I have to be so mean, but I am also very happy to finally be alone again. I don't think I ever want to date again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2004
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 6:03pm
You sound as though you are living the life that I chose to remove myself from.

My divorce from this "wacko" was final yesterday. I was married for 5 weeks before I filed.

Have you noticed a pattern of his behavior?

With mine, he had four stages to every breakup:

1) Anger

2) Contrite

3) Apologetic

4) Saying hurtful things, just to have me call him back.

In my case, it took awhile to understand that I could not engage in a "dialogue" with this person.

I was not strong enough in my convictions, that it just didn't feel right.

Might I suggest having someone else call him? Obviously, he knows by now what to say to get you to listen.

My sister called my ex and told him that I would call the police and file a complaint, should he show up. (I know sounds drastic, but I was in fear of my personal safety and I would not let him make me a prisoner in my own home.)

Whatever you do, do not talk to this man.

He is controlling and manipulative.

Good luck....it's hard, but you will make it.

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 6:58pm
Actually, after reading your post twice I have to tell you that nothing you've said makes me think this man is anything other than a sweet man who loves you and who was hurt that you tried to leave him. I don't see the wacko that the other ladies are seeing here. So he left a letter on your car. Big deal. That's very common. If you read posts here from people who are going through breakups and having a hard time letting go you will see that this is normal behavior.

Sounds to me like this guy is good, and since you've always been in bad relationships that's what you're used to. I'm not questioning your decision, just be aware that this is how he might view it.

I don't see anything wrong with a guy who wants to spend every weekend with you. Sounds perfectly normal to me. My boyfriend wanted to spend every weekend with me, and I thought that was pretty nice!

What I suggest is that you write him a long letter and mail it. I think breaking up over the phone is kind of cruel. You might write him a letter and meet him somewhere and have him read it in your presence. Then be gentle but firm. Tell him that you loved him, but that the relationship just isn't working out for you anymore. Tell him that you will always think of him in a special way, but that you no longer want to be his girlfriend.

I'm a crier, a real bawler. When I cry with men they get really scared, so I have a lot of sympathy for criers. Crying is normal and natural when you're being rejected. I think if you truly care about this man, and it sounds like you do because you say he's the sweetest and kindest man you've ever dated, you should break it off with him in a gentle, firm and kind manner. And be prepared to hear his crying for a while, and put up with his pleading. It's just a normal part of breaking up. Not wacko at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 1:19am
I do understand what you are saying, but this is the 14TH TIME I've broken up with this man and every time he sits in front of me BAWLING HIS EYES OUT screaming HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!! I promise we can go to counceling or something and at the end of the day, I'm miserable and he's happy.

Here is one way I KNOW that he is not just in love with me, but indeed way to possessive.

Last weekend, I called him Saturday morning after being able to get out of Friday night with him and said I was going to need some time to myself and I would call him later. He pleaded with me to come and do whatever I was doing with me, shopping, sleeping, anything. I said no. I called him after I got out of a movie at 11pm that night. He answered the phone on the second ring. He had not left the house all day. He was waiting for me to call all day long. Something is wrong with that in my book. He admitted that he did not leave the house in case I called.

Anyway, I broke up with him tonight, in a phone conversation. It was horrible, he screamed at me, bawled his eyes out, pleaded with me to talk about it. I said no, don't call me again, don't come near me etc. 37 unanswered phone calls later and 13 voicemails I picked up the phone and said "If you call this phone one more time I'm calling the police". I have not hear from him since.

I feel horrible, you can't imagine how I feel, but to go on living a lie like this, being with someone I care for deeply but do NOT want to spend the rest of my life with just to make them happy.....well, something is wrong with that picture to in my book.

Again, to all that helped me through this week and tonight, I'm forever grateful. You definately changed my life forever. (HUG) to all you.