I want to walk away, how can I do it....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
I want to walk away, how can I do it....
16
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:34pm
For the past 10 months I have been in a relationship with what I thought was a great man until just recently. He’s the father of two beautiful youngs girls with two different mothers. When I first got involved with him I had no idea his last relationship with was so recent but it was. I met him in december and he told me that he hadn't been with him young child mother in month, he lied. As soon as his ex girlfriend found out about me she started harrasing him calling him multiple times a day. it got so bad he had to take out a restraining order against her. He assured me that he wanted nothing to do with this women. We'll I believed him, big mistake. Just two weeks ago he was telling me that he feels because he is in a relationship he can't be father to his daughter, well I felt awful and told him to do what he thinks is right, soon after that comment he gave me his house keys back, and I gave him his (that was on Friday), Saturday we were arguing all day,finally i decided to go to his house to talk to him, when I got there his car wasn't there I figured I'll wait. It was 2 AM when he got there and he had his ex girlfriend by his side. She's giving me dirty looks telling me to get the point, he doesn't want to be with me. Anyhow, I beat her up, a big mistake on my part but I so frustrated with everything that women put me through that I couldn't contain my anger. Well he came back to me begging for forgiveness at this point it took me three days to forgive him and we went back together. This past Saturday I was on my way back from a night out with my girlfriends when I drive down this street,I see a car like his I turn around to double check when I see him and his exgirlfriend talking. and if that's not enough the following day he comes to my house gives me my stuff and tells me that he just hear a message from another on my phone, he checked my voicemail. That message was from my exboyfriend who had called the night before to tell me was not letting go of me that easy and I return the call my telling him that things did not workout with him and I and he needed to move on. Once my exboyfriend heard the message he returned the call and said I UNDERSTAND, PLEASE CALL ME SO WE CAN TALK. That's the only thing my boyfriend heard. Now that you know the story I need help deciding what to do. I just recently told my boyfriend that I need time to think about our relationship and the more I think about it the more I know that this is becoming difficult relationship, I don't trust him due to the recent events and he doesn't trust me because he's checking my voicemail. I want help in being able to walk away, because clearly this is not the relationship I want to be in. But I really don’t like to make people feel bad, where do I get the strength to be firm with this man.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 3:15pm

i'm sorry you are in the situation you're in. it's obvious, and you seem pretty clear that you should not be with this man, at the same time i know it's very difficult to walk away. there's really nothing that can make it easier to walk away, it's just something you have to do. you just have to reach deep inside, ask for help from God(whatever higher power you believe in) and just do what you know is right for you...and that is to walk away. the longer you prolong this relationship, the harder it will be to leave, and it will just keep going in a circle....at the same time, you will leave when you are ready...even though everyone around you may tell you to leave and you may even know you have to leave, but really, it just won't happen until you're ready......i read in a book once...."you can't just speak "ready" words, you have to be ready in mind, heart, body, and soul.....", so don't beat up on yourself in the meantime.

Take care, and you are in my thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 3:34pm

I think you realize this is a very unhealthy relationship you are in, and way too much drama for any one person. You have ex boyfriends, ex girlfriends in the mix, fighting, lies, babies, snooping, harrassing, stalking, its just too much. Just go with the facts: he lies, he cheats, he's broken it off, he's wishy washy, he's irresponsible, and he's still involved with mommas of his babies. You have exboyfriend issues, anger issues, obsession/stalking tendencies and trust issues (however rightfully so) and self esteem. No trust = NO relationship. You don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad?? Girl, you gotta run from this and now, he's got so much going on, he can't keep you guys straight! You deserve so much better, it's about you, are feelings being hurt? Then let him go! 3 Days to forgive him for cheating on you and watching you beat his ex up?? This is toxic, get out!!

Following him? Getting into fights? He is not worth this! What are these babies seeing? Multiple women, fighting, arguing, everybody out till 2am. I'm sorry, I know you had genuine feelings for this guy, that or just felt sorry for him and thought he would change and actually marry you when he didn't marry the first two. Be thankful you can get out now without getting pregnant, hold on to your dignity and discover the beautiful women inside you that deserves better. Be strong, hold your head up, and don't take him back ever! I promise that it will get better and you will meet someone who will truly love you and not treat you like this guy did.

I really don't mean to come down on you so hard, but looking on the outside, I can see you are hurting and this guy is no good for you, none, zip, nada, nilch, bad bad bad....

You can do this! God bless,
Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 4:14pm
This is tough love but man, Gracie is right on. The physical stuff alone is scary..what is happening to you when you demean yourself that way. Oh gosh, the poor kids. Terrible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 5:52pm

Everything this woman put you through (cough, choke) - you should be mad at HIM, he lied from the get-go.

::But I really don’t like to make people feel bad, where do I get the strength to be firm with this man.

But it's ok that he treats you poorly? When your feelings matter more to you than someone else's especially his, you will be firm and mean it and be able to follow through.

Consider short-term counseling to work on your self-esteem.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 8:41am


Thank you very much for your response, believe me it gives me so much strength to hear that I can do this. I am ready; I know in my heart that this is what's best for me. I also know that I have to be strong, because I do deserve better then this. The hardest part for me is to hear him say how much he loves me and that he will no man is ever going to love me like he does. For someone that's in love it pretty hard not to let those words get to you.

Thanks again for the comforting reply.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 8:49am

You are not being hard on me at all; you are just being honest in a way I can understand, without sugar coating the situation. I plan on walking away from this relation; I know it's best for me. I agree perhaps I do have a self esteem issues and I should work on it. I will take this time and work on myself work on the person that I've become with this guy, the person that lost herself in a very unhealthy relationship. Any suggestions as to where do I start to regain my self esteem?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 9:08am

Your welcome, I know how it feels to have your brain tell you one thing and your heart and fears tell you something else, and i also know how it feels to have everyone around you TELLING you what you should do(when we know very well what's right and wrong), but really all we need is support through these hard times...I am very happy to hear that you are READY to leave because you do deserve better, we all do.

I also understand how it feels to be ready to leave, and all of a sudden we hear those "magical" words "I love You" and it just makes it even more difficult...I had this ex(i don't really like to call him my ex...more of a re-bounder which lasted almost a year, i started seeing him right after my "real" ex of 4 years and i broke up...the "real" ex was a great guy...that's another story)but anyways, this "re-bounder" guy was like your present boyfriend/ex.......he had three kids by two different women, he cheated on me left, right and centre....although i never caught him in the act, i mean there were many signs....you know, women's underwear and bras mixed in his laundry, cell phones lying around in his bedroom, women calling at all hours of the night, he'd dissapear at days at a time........it was soooooooooo horrible...but i put up with this for almost a year because i just wasn't "ready" to leave...it was too scary...for me it was because i didn't want to face the issues that i hadn't dealt with with the break up of my 4 year relationship so i clung on to dear life with this guy to avoid facing all the other issues with the other break up.....plus it just felt nice to have someone say "I love U" it sounds terrible and it is actually, but those are issues we need to work on...Everytime i was "ready" to leave and he'd say those words, it just made everything he did to me dissappear, until.........the next time......Finally, i decided, enough was enough......i mustered up the courage(with the help of God) to face the demons in the closet(issues of regret/guilt...i broke off the 4yr relationship), and basically, i had to "mourn" the loss of my 4 yr relationship and make peace with it(i'm still trying to make peace with that)....but once i made a little bit of progress with that it made it easier to leave the "re-bounder"....and once i was finally really free of him..it's was such a huge load lifted off my shoulders, i can't even explain how it felt and still feels. Sometimes i have flash backs of all that drama and what i went through with him, and it gives me chills and i thank God i'm not at that place anymore.

Sorry for rambling on......you should feel proud of yourself for taking this first step, it will be hard as you know already, but hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 9:48am

Oh sweetie, I'm so glad to hear that you are going to take a step in the right direction! It is amazing how we get so caught up in our situations and really lose ourselves. I was lost too for way too long before I snapped out of it and started to grasp that these guys are so NOT our everything! And it is still going to hurt, and be hard to stay away but remember you CAN do this!! I would suggest writing out all of the hurtful things that he has done, and even said, and situations he put you in, and read it over and over. As time goes, we tend to forget why we were angry and hurt and only recall the good qualities and even fill in the gaps with enormous potential for these losers that they don't deserve. So, keep that handy, and go get your hair done, new style/color or something to make you feel good, maybe buy a new outfit or accessory. Treat yourself alittle and tell yourself, "Hey I am really a good, honest, loving, deserving women, and I have alot of love to give someone" because you do! That dork didn't deserve you. How couragous that you tried to love him and his children I'm sure, and how accepting of his situation. Talk to your friends/ family, vent here, journal your feelings, you are allowed to cry and feel the pain, but thats not an all day affair. Try allowing yourself 30 minutes a day to grieve and spend the rest of your day being kind to yourself. Take walks in the park, or take a drive, help out at an animal shelter, exercise, take a class or something. Doing good things, praying, counting your blessings really helps to put things into perspective. Do you like to garden? Or cook? Dance? Start a hobby that you enjoy and take pride that you are really great in something and you will start to feel so powerful. It might be hard at first, and feel fake, but I heard sometimes you have to fake it to make it. If you start to get down about yourself or even guilty, remember > you loved him, you tried to give all of yourself and HE is the one that took you for granted and lied and cheated on you. You did all you could and he refused to cherish you. Thats actually what I had to repeat to myself almost hourly to really allow myself to let go of my ex. Over and over. I also went to the alter with my sorrows and had alot of faith that God had something better for me, and he does for you too.
Good thoughts and deeds = good mind and soul. Start with quick uplifts and fixes to the outside, and it will help the inside to really believe that you are amazing and worth it. I know for a fact you will get out of that rut and routine of loving that loser and start to love yourself. And the guys will flock toward you. You are allowed to be picky too, and set a standard you will except no less than a gentleman who respects you and will treat you like the beautiful lady you are! Wow, I'm really rambling here, but I believe in you. You gotta want to get out and get free of this little bump in your life, and have open arms to a better life! Lean on those who love you and look at yourself like they do. You wouldn't want your best friend to get down on herself and accept to be treated like you were.... you would encourage her to get out and feel blessed that she has a friend like you. Sending hugs and prayers!!

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 12:52pm
Some man will love you differently. And that may be better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 12:55pm
Good job..that was a lot of work. How long til you felt the weight lift? I am in a hurry..(grin)...sigh..

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