I want to walk away, how can I do it....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
I want to walk away, how can I do it....
16
Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:34pm
For the past 10 months I have been in a relationship with what I thought was a great man until just recently. He’s the father of two beautiful youngs girls with two different mothers. When I first got involved with him I had no idea his last relationship with was so recent but it was. I met him in december and he told me that he hadn't been with him young child mother in month, he lied. As soon as his ex girlfriend found out about me she started harrasing him calling him multiple times a day. it got so bad he had to take out a restraining order against her. He assured me that he wanted nothing to do with this women. We'll I believed him, big mistake. Just two weeks ago he was telling me that he feels because he is in a relationship he can't be father to his daughter, well I felt awful and told him to do what he thinks is right, soon after that comment he gave me his house keys back, and I gave him his (that was on Friday), Saturday we were arguing all day,finally i decided to go to his house to talk to him, when I got there his car wasn't there I figured I'll wait. It was 2 AM when he got there and he had his ex girlfriend by his side. She's giving me dirty looks telling me to get the point, he doesn't want to be with me. Anyhow, I beat her up, a big mistake on my part but I so frustrated with everything that women put me through that I couldn't contain my anger. Well he came back to me begging for forgiveness at this point it took me three days to forgive him and we went back together. This past Saturday I was on my way back from a night out with my girlfriends when I drive down this street,I see a car like his I turn around to double check when I see him and his exgirlfriend talking. and if that's not enough the following day he comes to my house gives me my stuff and tells me that he just hear a message from another on my phone, he checked my voicemail. That message was from my exboyfriend who had called the night before to tell me was not letting go of me that easy and I return the call my telling him that things did not workout with him and I and he needed to move on. Once my exboyfriend heard the message he returned the call and said I UNDERSTAND, PLEASE CALL ME SO WE CAN TALK. That's the only thing my boyfriend heard. Now that you know the story I need help deciding what to do. I just recently told my boyfriend that I need time to think about our relationship and the more I think about it the more I know that this is becoming difficult relationship, I don't trust him due to the recent events and he doesn't trust me because he's checking my voicemail. I want help in being able to walk away, because clearly this is not the relationship I want to be in. But I really don’t like to make people feel bad, where do I get the strength to be firm with this man.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 1:32pm

Unfortunately, this is something you can't rush...I know it sucks...For me, the weight was lifted as soon as i was really ready to let go, and once i did, there was relief...everyone's situation is different though, we all have different issues and different reasons for doing what we do...I can look back now at that "relationship" and see that i had trouble letting go of him because the real issue wasn't because i was in love with him(maybe i was, i don't know), but really because i was terrified to face what i was feeling and having to go through the mourning/guilt/regret/missing my 4 year relationship......that was really what kept me with the "re-bounder"...i felt that dealing with him and all the drama and pain/hurt i was going through with him would be a lot easier than dealing with my other break-up....so when finally, i decided to face the real issues at hand, it made it a lot easier to let go of the "re-bounder". So as long as we all find our own reasons for being in these "bad" relationships...and the sooner we work on those issues, the letting go will just come naturally...that's what i truely believe....i really don't think the solution solely lies in time(like a lot of people say), or holding onto anger, or giving ourself manicures and pedicures...those things may help a little at first, but it doesn't get down to the root of the problem or issue, and to truely let go and heal we have to find the issues within ourselves and work on them...that's just my opinion.

And i was right, dealing with the issues i had with the 4 year relationship was a million times worse and more painful than dealing with the "re-bounder"....I'm actually still trying to heal from that...and it still hard, and i'm still growing and trying to find my lessons in all this, but the pain and tears remain...and it's been a year since my 4 yr relationship break up.... but even though this pain is so much greater, i know in the end it will be worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 2:07pm
Well I did it, I told him it was over, and that was the easy part of it all. The harder part of this breakup is yet to come. I told him on Tuesday that I need time to think about this relationship and what is going to happen. I asked him to give me to today. I haven't spoken to him since and today I sent him an email asking him to give me one more day, I said i would speak with him tomorrow after work( because I wanted to mourn over the weekend with having to come in to work and break down). Well at 11:40am he called and said that I was killing him to tell if we were going to work through this or if it was over, I said it's over and he said have a nice life. Since then, he has not stopped calling me at work and my mobile phone. I need to stay strong, because he always breaks me down, and you have inspired me with your story.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2005
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 3:05pm

Thank you. you brought tears to my eyes(good tears for a change)by saying that i inspired you with my story...thank you..i think that's what we're all here for to support/inspire eachother with all our experiences....I'm very proud of you and you should be proud of yourself because it is extremely difficult to do what you are doing and what many of us has done....but i promise you that if you really do the work required to heal, and look deep inside as to what causes you to want to be in this toxic relationship.....letting go will be easier and come more naturally...that is a long and on going process and until you get there, it will be extremely difficult, but that's where you just have to stay strong, because doing what you're doing is the first step....Be proud right now....and if you slip, like many of us doing along the path of healing...don't beat up on yourself, pick yourself back up and keep going.

Stay strong...and keep me posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 6:14pm

Some good self-esteem books:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy – David D. Burns, MD
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
Self Matters, Phil McGraw


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 8:01pm
which have your personally read and can recommend?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 09-22-2005 - 9:42pm

Read some of the online reviews at amazon.com

I have read: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy – David D. Burns, MD
It was one of my favorite books for a long time.

I have read Dr Phil's Relationship Rescue, so I would guess that Self Matters is good too.


Carrie

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