i was his first
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| Sun, 05-28-2006 - 9:43pm |
i was his first. and by that i mean first real girlfriend, first to sleep with him, first to live with him.
i was skepticle at first, i kept my distance. we clicked right away. it took awhile, but he finally told me that he was a virgin. i was surprised (he was 23, extrememly tall, extremely good lookin, good job...i was 24)) but that he was just waiting till he found the right person. i didnt pressure him . we waited till he was ready. we had an amazing realationship, we dated for 11 months and i had to move cause my roommates were leaving. he suggested that i move in. i told him i wasnt sure and that although i have done it before that it didnt work out, and i had promised myself that i wouldnt do it again intill i was much more into a realtionship. i decided not to, but then the girl i was supposed to move in with, moved home. too much drama. we talked it over again, he said the offer was there, he was sooo excited. i moved in.
we got along well for a good time. then he got scared and said he wanted me to move out that things were too much for him but that he didnt want us to be over. i moved out a few months later into my own place. we broke up a couple of months later. he wanted to be single and have that experince, which i understand, but i didnt take it too well. i love this boy, we were together for about a year and a half. we still talk, but he says i didnt handle things well and that he cant see himself with me in the future. but when we do see each other, we can barely keep our hands off each other, and we have such an amazing chemistry. we talk, we laugh, we have fun. or we argue, cause the breakups hard for me and i push questions like do you still love me, why dont you want this to work out...
and it aggervates him of course.
what advice can you give me?
is there hope?
should i give up?

I think you have to accept what he says, that he doesn't feel he has a future with you. Even though you have strong feelings for him and it sounds like the two of you have a lot of fun together, this road you're on will lead to heartbreak. Please tell him that if he doesn't want you in his future that he can't have you in his present and then walk away. We just have to listen to what guys tell us. When they say one thing and mean another, generally you have to pay attention to what they do. But when they say they don't want a relationship and keep seeing you, then you have to listen to what they say.
Yes. Please give up. You can do better.
try reposting your question higher up, in the first category. i think it's called ask the experts or something. i'm sorry more people haven't responded to you. the boards have been very busy in the last week or two, and i think people are having a hard time getting to all the messages.
what i said to you last week still stands. even though it hurts, i think you have to let him go. otherwise you will keep on hurting. you just can't change the way people feel about you and what they want.
Although I'm much older than you, I had an expereience with a guy I dated for 11 months. I'll give advice after I tell you of my experience. After 28 years of marriage to a severly emotionlly disturbed woman, we met via a dating service. I was only second person he had dated after divorcing his wife, and the only person he ever had sex with or dated in his entire life!! His shrink kept telling him to date many people before he made a decsion about me. He was always in doubt about his feelings for me. Couldn't express any feelings for me verbally. But the non-verbal communication was great and I thought I'd read them as very positive. Our sex life was fabulous. But, last week, he told me that he was still unsure and in fact, didn't think I was "the One." I was devistated, and said things to him, that I now regret..that he didn't appreciate, that he didn't know his own mind, and making a big mistake. He didn't want me to leave, but he admitted that he had gone back on the dating site just to look, but not to date-at least for now. I was hurt beyond belief, as I was so faithful to him. My boyfriend got scared to, I believe. For a long time he called me 2 and sometimes three times during the week; but then he stopped, suddently over a two week period, after which i had to call him. Said he didn'tt know why he wasn't taking the initiative. My guess was that he thought things were going too fast for him, but he never said this to me. Instead, I was in thd dark about his feelings. I should have asked, but I thought I'd scare him off. But it's strange that whenever we'd get together-on weekends only Fri, Sat, and Sun., he acted warm, loving caring always bringing and doing things for me. Couln't make out the disparity. We are now only e-mailing one another, and don't know if we'll ever be together, although he wants to remain friends. He too kept saying that he needed and wanted to date others,off and on. He is 52 and I am 63.
My advice to you is to keep in touch with him, via e-mail, but don't get together with him--yet. Let him miss you for a while. That way, if he does, he'll get in touch with his real feelings for you. I am hoping that my boyfriend misses me. That will be an indication to him that I was (am) the one for him. I did say that sometimes, but I didn't listen. If you decide to get together with him again, you need to go for couples counseling in order for you both to share your feelings with one another in a constructive way.If he agrees to go, it's a sign that he wants to make it work. Look up the Catholic Charities, for a sliding fee scale based on your income. It is extremly important to be totally honest with one another and to always talk about the relationship from time to time--maybe every 3-4 months to keep communications open and honest, if you should gett back togyher again. And let that be HIS decision to do so--not yours. If you do get together again, don't push for answers as to how he feels about you and ask him if he loves you. Just go along and have a good time with one another, and all the while, date others, openly. When you don't pressuure him, he'll find himself getting closer to you. Let him come to you for more involvement. There was and old saying that goes with this advice: "A man chases a girl till she catches him."
Hope I helped you.
Linda
i looked on his myspace page (yes i cant believe its comes up in all parts of life...) and hes been talking to this one girl a lot, or raither shes been talking to him and now they are finally hanging out. its an old friend of his from collage, and he said that he has no interest in her, but if it came down to it, he would mess around with her, cause he's missin ' havin someone to do that with. this is hard for me. i feel like he'll find things in a new girl that he had in me, or didnt, and that hell move on and ill be left with these feelings alone.
and, no, neither of us is ready to settle down and get married quite yet. im not pushin' it. im not done with things in my life yet that i want to do before i settle down.
in despair
amarie.
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