I wish i could forget sometimes
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| Fri, 06-30-2006 - 10:18pm |
ive been up and down for several months now, and i thought for the past few months that I have gotten a lot better at accepting the fact that i wasnt nor ever gonna be with my ex. for a while i stopped looking on his facebook page only because it made me more upset when i saw girls flirting with him.
we still talk fairly often. lately its been ranging from 15 min to 45 min a day or every other day or so. also just recently he has started saying "miss you" again...so lately i have been feeling pretty good. i have been working very hard lately too, long hours, early mornings...so the only time i actually have to think about everything is either in the morning o my way to work or on my way home.
yesterday i was chatting with him and he mentioned how he might be seeing a friend of his who is an ex over the weekend. and for some reason that just kinda bothered me. she has always bothered me, and yes i do blame her for a lot of the problems in my relationship with my ex.
i look forward to meeting someone new and dating someone new too....so i feel that is a huge step in moving on. he was definately a big part of my life and still is in a way.
sometimes i wish though that i could forget that we ever dated. not because we had a bad relationship, but more so so i can not hurt at times. i dont want to hear how he is going to go see his ex or have any other female friends come visit him or anything, bc then my mind starts to wander and i start to fret and worry.
its completely out of my control
it sucks
i miss him like crazy
i miss him as my bf
but i do not miss the sleepless nights staying out crying
i know i love him and always will, and maybe one day years down the road God will bring us together again, for the right time. i know its bad to hold onto hope sometimes but that is a part of my personality.
i am doing really well in school, have a lot going for me, young, pretty, outgoig...
i hate comparing myself to his ex or any of the other girls...i either do not feel good enough or that i am 2nd sometimes. i remember onetime when we were somewhat fighting a few months ago (when he started sorta seeing his ex again) i remember doodling on a notepad over and over again, #1...hmm subconscious acting up or what...
anway i just needed to vent tonight, was definately feeling kinda low and sad. thanks for letting me share
God Bless...
-dance

I'm feeling kind of down and low tonight also. It's been nearly 2 weeks since I've moved out and we've started to become a little bit more cordial with each other. I'm terrified of being alone, and yes it hurts really bad. I know how you feel. However, this is only part of the healing process (so I'm told!) I really don't know what's on the other side, but trust that it will get better with time.
I've had moments where I want to call and go back to his arms. I am the one who initiated the separation because I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep wondering when he was going to notice and love me. Well dear, the only way to get someone to love you is if you can learn to love yourself first. It hurts and it's not easy. But I'm right there with you.
HUGS!! amarriedgirl (not sure if I'll still be married!)