i wish i could understand him

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
i wish i could understand him
2
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 4:32pm
Over a year ago I broke up with my ex because he's not interested in getting married yet and I'm already over 30 andn of course I am. Since then we've kept in touch, we've spent time together, probably more than we should but it's so hard to cut him out because I still love him and it's hard to hate him because he still wants to be there for me when I need him, ie, when I moved he immediately offered to help me. While we're not a couple in some ways we still function like a couple.
Anyway, he's now 33 and still hasn't brought up the state of our "relationship" and whether he wants to get married. I'm sure he's happy with the status quo but I'm not and I'm just so confused and tired of it. I've tried dating other people and my friends know they can fix me up but nothing has worked out so it's not even like I'm passing up great men for my ex at this point.
I don't know what's going on in his head. sometimes I feel like the only women in his life he wants to have any sort of commitment to are his mother and two sisters and cousin, and that girlfriends are just accessories on the side he can take or leave. I know from what he's said of his past relationships that whenever a woman expected him to be more commited to do things that were inconvenient for him in order to make the relationship work he broke up with them or drove them to breaking up with him.
Maybe that's really who he is but I need him to say it already. He's not dating anyone else and I know this because when he's free he typically spends his free time with me. I know, it's strange and not good. I almost wish he'd just do something mean to piss me off so I'll never speak to him again.
What do you all make of this, a guy who just doesn't seem to want a real girlfriend at all? I mean, if I really wasn't the one for him wouldn't he just say so and have started looking elsewhere already? But he's not because he's always calling me andn being affectionate with me and spending money on me. Are there men out there who just don't want a real relationship, never want to be married and when it comes to women only want their mothers and sisters as the women they're "commited" to? I need to understand what's going on here already so I can move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 05-03-2007 - 5:12pm

Welcome to the board iv_sunnygirl,


Here's the thing, it doesn't matter what is in HIS head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sat, 05-05-2007 - 12:31pm

I guess I'm just wondering why you're still hanging around him waiting for him to magically change if you say you want marriage and he says (and has always said) he doesn't. Please respect that. Some people are not made for marriage, they're just not. That doesn't make them wrong, but that does make him not the right guy for you.

I can relate to your situation to a certain extent because with the exception of this "tiny little detail" of marriage (I'm being facetious) this is more or less the same situation as me and my ex. We spend a good portion of our free time together, he does amazingly sweet things for me as I try to do for him, I'm still "in" with his family and he's close to his entire family including his mother and sister, I respect that. The major (oh so major) difference between your story and mine is that there is no "of course" to me needing or even wanting to be married, doesn't make me right or wrong, just makes me "me". If you want to be married, this guy isn't it. He'll be an amazing, wonderful male friend to you, probably as close as family, probably someone you will always be able to count on in a pinch, no worries, and please see that as a blessing, but marriage? No, you'll have to look elsewhere for that.

....."Anyway, he's now 33 and still hasn't brought up the state of our "relationship" and whether he wants to get married. I'm sure he's happy with the status quo but I'm not and I'm just so confused and tired of it."..... I'm wondering (again) why he'd need to bring up the "status" of your relationship, you're broken up and he doesn't want commitment or marriage. Really, is there something else you're waiting to find out? That doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with you or inherently unlovable about you, he just does not want to be married, why is that so hard to accept? Accept him for the man he is, show that a little respect. He's an adult and he can make up his own mind about what he does or does not want in his life. You being confused and upset about it isn't going to change that.

....."I know from what he's said of his past relationships that whenever a woman expected him to be more commited to do things that were inconvenient for him in order to make the relationship work he broke up with them or drove them to breaking up with him."..... So what makes you think you're going to be different from those women? Because you know what he really needs? No, he knows what he needs and it's not marriage, and if it's not marriage, then it's not you for him, not that way. By the same token, if it's not marriage, then it shouldn't be him for you. Take charge of your life, woman.

....."I almost wish he'd just do something mean to piss me off so I'll never speak to him again."..... Is that what you need in order to leave with your dignity intact? Really? I'd say there's more dignity in knowing that he'll never be the man for you based on the marriage discrepancy, and YOU look elsewhere for a man who does want that. You can then keep this man, who by your account actually sounds like an ok guy, as a good friend.

....."What do you all make of this, a guy who just doesn't seem to want a real girlfriend at all?"..... Um, a guy who doesn't want a real girlfriend at all. Really, the question is quite disrespectful of his individuality as a person.

....."I mean, if I really wasn't the one for him wouldn't he just say so and have started looking elsewhere already."..... He said so. A year ago, remember? You broke up over the fact he said he doesn't want to be married and you do. You hanging around for a year isn't going to change that very basic fact about him. Why should he have to look elsewhere for the companionship he already gets from you? I'm sure you're a sweet gal and he likes to dote on you, but that doesn't mean he wants to marry you, or anyone, for that matter. It's ok and actually quite mandatory for you to look somewhere else for marriage, but don't wait for him to change because he probably never will. Accept that that is absolutely fine and it's no reflection on either of you not being good people. You are.

All the best, this seems quite the hopeless situation because you really want marriage and he really doesn't. Good people, wrong for each other. To be honest, I see no respect on your part for what a man says, wants, or needs in a relationship, and that doesn't bode well for any committed relationship you're in.

It's time to look somewhere else, you can do it. If you want marriage, you have to do it; you're obligated to yourself to create your own happy life, however that looks.

Hugs, 

~Sandra
CL-Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
CL-Understanding Men




Edited 5/5/2007 12:52 pm ET by cl-i_b_sandradee

Myspace Codes