If given the chance, I'd try again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
If given the chance, I'd try again.
9
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 6:10pm

I just feel that we had some misunderstandings which led to inflexibility on both of our parts. She dumped me because of a stupid fight we had. I, of course, reacted stubbornly implementing the no-contact strategy which backfired big time. We both held out and due to our hard-headed natures, never got another chance to patch things up. I went ahead and moved on. She did, too.

She's with another guy now out of state and I'm with my girl but I can't help but wonder...I get the feeling that my ex is wondering too.

I often think about meeting up with her again and run certain scenarios through my head. I guess I'm just living in a fantasy world. The fact that we're in current relationships with others certainly complicates things.

I don't believe either of us gave ourselves enough time to get over each other. The no-contact thing left so much unresolved. Is it really too late for us? Can it ever be the way it was? Am I just a hopeless romantic who's yearning for his soulmate? I never bought into the whole soulmate thing until I was with her.

I'm tired of the dreaming and wondering. This is no way for anyone to live.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 6:34pm

As the "dumper", if she truly believed that your differences were resolvable, she would have contacted you and made it clear she wanted to try to work things out.

She didn't...she moved on. You need to accept that the two of you are not right for each other because she chose not to try.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 7:40pm
I don't see the harm in contacting her and being honest about your feelings, although they may not make a difference now. You should have not allowed to much time to pass. You didn't really elaborate on the reason for your arguement/break up or how long you two had been together so it's tough to gauge her feelings for you. But to the previous post, if she moved onto someone else her feelings for you are gone or minimal. But I would still recommend that you talk to her for your own closure.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 7:59pm

Closure comes from *within*, from accepting that the two of you aren't right for each other. It's NOT something you "get" from talking to the other person, and it usually does much more harm than good.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 12:51am

I honestly think this is a big problem now, people are too keen to give up rather than work on things. They'd rather 'hold out' and be the bigger person by waiting for the other to call and apolgize then nothing is solved. Most people's ego and pride are too important to them then contacting the other person, even if you never share it and keep it inside I think everyone wonders what would of/could of happened. I honestly think if you really love them you fight until the bitter end, and you will know in your heart when it's time to give up. I don't want to miss out on the love of my life or something that could of happen just because I am a stubborn person!! I know I have made this mistake in the past and I regret it, I'd rather be the person that called and tried to work soemthing out and atleast be able to say I tried rather than I quit. Isn't there a saying "If it's worth having, it's worth working for." I say call her and maybe just say you were thinking about her and wanted to know how she was doing and if she wanted to go out for drinks one time. I really felt that talking to my ex about us helped give me closure aswell. Just my opinion.. :)

Trixi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 11:59am
Just curious...is your current girlfriend aware that you're still mooning over an ex? Is she aware that you'd leave her if given another chance with your old girlfriend? How do you think she'd feel if she knew she was more or less a "band-aid" while you decide whether or not you still want to be with the ex? What would her reaction be if she actually knew you were making plans to contact the ex? Have you told her? Didn't think so...because you know she'd freak and justifiably so. Nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic as long as trying to live out your fantasies doesn't hurt people...but yours will. She's out of state? With another guy? You're "with" someone new (at least in body, obviously not in spirit)...how impossible is that? It's very convenient always looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence...gives you an excuse to ignore the responsibilities on your own side. Here's an idea...let your current girlfriend read your post, then you can both have a nice sharing time and clear the air. If she dumps you for your dishonesty and deceit, oh well, guess you two weren't fated to be "soul-mates." You need to read "He's Scared, She's Scared" and take a close look at your commitment-phobic behavior. You don't want to allow your old girlfriend to completely heal from her memories of you, so you contemplate wrecking her new love life. At the same time, you keep your own girlfriend at a distance by harboring destructive fantasies and making plans to dump her if something better comes along. Read the book, change your ill behavior and thoughts, then use your rich fantasy life to enhance a reciprocal relationship you truly want to be in, instead of using it to plot disruption and pain in other people's lives.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 4:07pm
If there is such a thing as fate you may be able to talk to your ex again but give it time. It is beeter to let it happen than to make it happen and hurt someone else. My ex is now with another girl and after 7 months of NC has started texting me. I know that she does not know and he is probably testing the waters but I refuse to let him do that to me. I am willing to give my heart to someone new before i would think about being with him again. If we are meant to be together it will be up to fate not him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 5:42pm

You really need to end your current relationship as soon as possible, it is not fair for her to be involved with you when it is clear you do not have the motivation or desire to give yourself to her, she seems to be something to pass the time for you and it isn't fair for her. If you try and attempt contact with your ex while you are still seeing her that seems cowardly in my opinion, you should end your current relationship completely and *then* attempt to contact your ex if you so desire. Of course if your ex does not reciprocate the feelings you will be without either girl but it isn't fair to string her along while you are figuring things out.

I think it is natural during the course of a relationship to be attracted to other people, however, when you seriously consider acting on it (especially when it is someone you have been previously involved with), or you question your feelings for the person you are currently involved with that is an indicator that something is seriously wrong with the relationship.

Other issues aside, it is hard to say whether simply contacting the ex is a good idea or not, she seems to have moved on. Maybe send her something non-intrusive like a letter or an email, give her a chance to respond if she so desires but if not then you know the answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:19pm

Okay. I've taken my lumps on this one. The last thing I want to do is break my girlfriend's heart. At this point, it's Catch-22. At the time I entered into this most recent relationship, I felt sure of my feelings for her. After all the time that's elapsed, I'm still dreaming of my ex - whether voluntarily or involuntarily, it's happening. I'm not dumping anybody and I will be faithful to my girlfriend. But, obviously, the ex is ingrained in my unconscious and subconscious mind. There's no way for me to purge that.

I have a psychic feeling that there's still unresolved business between my ex and me. I know it sounds stupid but I just have that feeling that one day, she'll show up. The question is, do I go with my heart or my head? Either way, someone's gonna get hurt.

I want the dreams to stop! I can't take it anymore. I am beginning to feel guilty about it but I haven't done anything wrong. How could a woman affect my brain this much? And, am I having a similar affect on her? I won't be the one to initiate contact so I guess I have to go on living through this self-inflicted Purgatory of never really knowing. Because if I know one thing about my ex, it's that she's just as stubborn and full of pride as myself.

Thanks to all who ripped me and those who empathized with me. After reading my own post, I've come to realize that I'm one confused dude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 10:09pm
Hey!!! I haven't seen you in ages....ok months but it seems like ages!! I'm sorry to hear that you're still a little hung up on your ex...I know that's tough...especially when you have a gf. Your ex has moved on and truthfully I don't think it's fair to bring this all up to her now. If you want to reach out to her to be a friend....that's fine but I wouldn't reccomend that until you're over her though. And truthfully if you aren't all that into your gf....you owe it to her to be honest about it. Maybe you could talk to your ex (even if just an e-mail) ...just to get some closure so you can move on and be happy again. Good luck and keep us posted!!











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