if he came back to you...?
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| Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:57am |
So I'm going to start, and if anybody else thinks it would help them to vent, do it here! you dont even have to read this guys, im writing it for myself, but if you do read it and chose to resopnd that would be cool too :)
ex bf: take me back, i've realized the error of my ways and would like to return to your sweet sweet embrace
me: you know i cant tell you how many times i wished that you'd come back. those first 2 months--i woulda given anything to hear those words and i woulda taken you back without thinking twice. but now its like...you're sitting here saying this to me and im realizing just how badly i DONT want to be with you. we had such a great relationship and you threw it all away for no reason! what we faced in march--that was normal growing up stuff. thats what your twenties is about, constant change and revision, and every time somethign goes a little off kilter in your life you're not allowed to run away and think, you have to step up to the plate. you were always so good to me, but by ending things when you did, for the reasons you did, you proved to me that you're a coward and a quitter. "tis better to have loved and lost" is not an excuse for non commital frivolity; you're no more capable of handling things now than you were then. i was ready to take a break--what happened in march was the first time we'd ever faced anything and you just gave up! and we're going to face more sh*t and more sh*t, because relationshps are constantly being tested, and knowing that you're a quitter it tells me that there's no point. if we get back togheter, we'll probably have a great summer, and then school will start again and you'll be SO busy cos its your senior year and all your friends will be back and you'll be doing your thesis and once again, you wont be able to handle it all and you'll give me some lame excuse and break up with me.
i was so loving and supportive, when you were going through stuff i was always there. i loved you with a reckless abandon that most people are too jaded to be capable of nowadays, and when i needed you to be there for me, you bailed. i cant be with somebody i cant count on.
i dont believe that you're willing to put the work in to regain my trust. You dont believe in what we have, you dont try, and you're not of the mindset that giving up is the last option. you and i are fundamentally not on the same page in that respect--youre approachign this as a learning and growing experience, im approachign this as a chance to really be close to somebody. but all i am to you is a vehicle for your own self exploration, and thats not fair. im not going to get back together with you just because you miss me."
PHEW!! i think tahts everything. you know if this scenario actually had to occur i have no idea what i'd really say, but just writing all that out did remind me of the main things i've learend since my break up.
part II of this venting:
things that suck about my ex:
-he's a quitter
-he's really melodramatic--sometimes he sounds like a character from Dawsons Creek, except we're not 15 year olds, so its just so har dto take him seriously when he gets like that
-he's always complaining aobut how he has no money
-he's a DORK! and now i NEVER have to hear that cheesy impression of Agent Smith from the Matrix again.
-he's a whiny little b*tch if he doesnt get exactly 6-8 hrs of sleep.
-he's so MOODY.
i know there's more, but for now thats all if eel like typing. this really helped me--you guys should write your own response & list as well
:D
ace

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--he didn't believe that eating disorders really existed. Well, maybe in some extreme cases, he thought, in far away places. but if I brought up a friend who had an eating disorder, or once our waitress looked like she needed to be hospitalized immediately she was so skeletal, he always said i was being overdramatic and lots of women are just skinny and eat very little. He also did not believe that many women had boob jobs, sometimes this argument was ridiculous, like at the bar once there was this woman who was a STICK with these simply enormous breasts, and all our friends were telling him, "dude, those are not real." but he was adamant -- lots of women just look like that naturally, he maintained. these two facts combined make me feel that he has a kind of warped perception of women.
--i'm not sure i have EVER heard him admit he was wrong. Of course, I would love to hear him say I'm sorry or I was wrong relating to how our relationship went (since I said that to him about one billion times), but I'm talking about every other thing we could talk about. He would NOT give in, ever, even when we were discussing the subject of MY senior thesis which I had researched meticulously for 2 years and he hadn't even read a single book on the subject, he was just throwing in hunches and his general worldviews and a tv show (a very inaccurate and sensational show i might add) as his argument. finally when i was so angry i said to just drop it, he wouldn't even let it go THEN, he wanted me to say that I thought HE was right, which of course i wouldn't. i think we ended up not speaking for a few days. How ridiculous is that?
OK, list-venting over for now.
So, to my ex boyfriends, thanks! I've been to New Zealand, Europe, and South America. I know how to dance, cook, sing, play piano, raised almost 5000 dollars for breast cancer, acting, improv, bungee jumping and skydiving...to name a few. I have interesting stories about myself and have learned so much about being the independent woman I am today. I take care of myself financially, have a well-paying job (so sorry you got laid off right after you dumped me and hooked up with your married female boss-who also got laid off--ha ha ha ha ha ha), like where I live, and have great, supportive friends. My bad experiences with you have made me grow so much as a person that my current relationship is thriving. I don't feel needy with him like I did with you, we respect each other, and his personality isn't the rollercoaster yours was when I was with you. Imagine that! Me, not walking on egg-shells to please you! He listens when we talk. I tell him what my (reasonable) needs are without fear that he might be mad or leave me. I could go on, but I just wanted to say thanks. I'm 10 times the person I was when I was with you! Thank you for dumping me or not loving me enough that I ended up where I am today with a wonderful person.
And if something should happen to our relationship, I feel like I now have the skills to better move on with my life because of my experiences with you, that is, saying "I can't be friends with you because it's too painful right now, but I love you and respect you and I wish you the best in life."
summer, i often feel like i should've progressed much more than i have. i have days where all i do is thinka bout my ex and all the good times we had, days where i still fantasize like a schoolgirl about how we're going to get back together and fall madly in love and get married. i think itsperfectly natural, esp since you havent yet got somebody new to fantasize about! when you think about the opposite sex and dating you think about him.when you see a couple on the street you remember when you were part of one. its bittersweet and that will never change.
and about that 1/2 rule...well its different for everybody! im nearing the 1/2way point, my bf and i were together for 8 months. when i think that it was only 8 months compared to people who are breaking upa fter years and years i think "jeez why am i so upset??" but i know it was a very intense 8 months and we were very very close. i thinkall that happens by the 1/2 way point is you've accepted that its over and you're out of the shock phase. you're out of the "cant sleep cant eat cant breathe" phrase. i certainly dont htink you're OVER somebody by then. so be patient with yourself and stay strong and know that you're going to meet somebody else and things are going to get a lot better.
1 more thing annoying about my ex:
-he was a big dork. i mean i found it endearing at the time, but we're talking like he's obsessed with his video games esp like final fantasy and stuff, and he's always doing cheesy impressions of gollum from lord of the rings or agent smith from the matrix, and again, i love all those things, but he would get so annoying sometimes with all stuff its like "dude enough already"
every time i post im going to make sure to include something that sucks about him.
"From the day I met you we were a rollercoster ride. No knowing if we we're just friends or "just friends". You couldn't make up your mind from the beginning, and I always felt like I was putting pressure on you to make a decision. I hated giving you those ultimatums but I couldn't wait around forever. When you finally decided after months of putting me through that, that you wanted to "date" and make us serious, I was ontop of the world. But in the back of my mind I always felt second best. Throughout our relationship I still felt second best. Like I was just "convienent" for you, and that because I was basically the only person besides your family in your life, you were scared to lose me. When we broke up, I'll admit I initiated the break up, but I went in hoping we could talk it out, and work out the very minor kinks we had. I was hoping it wouldn't go the way it did. But after asking for your input, and hearing those words from you "i don't think we should date anymore", with no regards on how I felt, with no reasons to say such a thing, without even thinking twice..... you shattered my world. Everything I thought you were, you're not. You're a coward, and you're immature. We come to one bump in the road, and you run because you're not getting "feelings" that only seem to exist in the movies. You passed me up, for something/someone you may NEVER find. And you expect me to want to still be your best friend? You expect we can just go back to the way we were? You're dillusional, and blind. So now finally you've got a dose of reality, and you've had a taste of life without me in it. And you don't like it. Well you know what? I gave you many chances to change your mind, I told you after the break up how much I care for you and how badly I wanted you back, and you STILL chose not to do anything about the decision YOU made. I'm not going to be played like a fool anymore. You've done enough damage, and even if we did get back together, nothing would be the same. You've forever changed any kind of relationship we can have in the future. I can forgive you for what you've done, but I can't forget. It's taken me months to try and get over you, and i'm finally reaching that point where i'm happy again.. so, because of that, I don't want you back anymore."
whew, that was harder than i thought, but re reading it, I felt good when i wrote it! It would be so nice to be able to say that to him. I honestly don't know if i'd take him back, but a part of me is telling me i really don't want him.
Things that "suck" about him:
-He's lazy... never wanted to go out and do things, would rather sit at home day after day playing ps2 or watching movies (thats fine, but EVERY DAY? come on..)
-He's "cheap"... money's not important to me, but it seemed to make his world go 'round. The whole time we dated, i can count on one hand how many times he treated me out.
-He's unrealistic...He thinks life works like the movies, that everything will work out the way it's supposed to, that he doesn't have to work for anything he wants in life. He's too focused on retiring.... he's only 23!! And he's panicking about having a million dollars to retire on when he's 60. He's not enjoying life NOW, he's worried about 40 years from now.
-Mama's boy.... His mom STILL babies him, and he's 23. He can't seem to do anything without her having her nose in it. Very nice lady, but she seems to think nothing is good enough for her little boy, and that everything he has, he earned (that's bull... i did half of what he has FOR him!!! does, moving out of your parents place into an apartment mean anything to either of them?) He's family orientated and that's good, but not when your mom does everything from cook for you to come over and clean for you. She smothers him, and he likes it.
-He's ungrateful.... After EVERYTHING i've done for him, not ONCE has he ever thanked me.
That's about it for now.. I know he has more flaws, but I can't think of them. Most of these things are minor, but you'd be surprised how much all of it affected our relationship.
im glad you felt better writing that post. i too have no idea what i'd ACTUALLY sayif the guy lookedme in the eye and asked me to take him back--i havent even seen him in almost 4 months so its easy for me to say that i'd just tell him to take a hike,b ut inr eality who knows?
i posted this thread originally becuase latelyi've been frekaing out that i'm never going to do any better than my ex. i know thats not true, but thats how i've been feeling and i feel so stupid about it. so by reminding myself of his flaws and the pain that he put me through it helps me to get past this thinking.
another thing that sucks about him...
-whenever he slept over my aparmtent he'd complain that he wasnt getting enough sleep because he hates sharing a bed. apparently whenever i breathed tooloudly or moved even in the slightest his entire sleep was disrupted. and then he'dwake up in the morning and i'd sya "did you sleep well?" and he'd be like "of coursenot, i onlysleep well when i sleep alone." well then he can sleep alone forever !
My ex was the same way, well we felt mutual about sharing a bed. We've both tried to sleep on a couch together, a twin, a double, a queen, and even on the floor together, and both of us move around so much, it would wake the other one up. One of us would ALWAYS wake up with a sore back, or really tired, or one of us would end up going home in the middle of the night. I like to sprawl across the bed, but when he was there, i would be pushed up against the wall and end up in the "crack" (between the wall and bed). When he moved in with me, he actually brought his own bed, we pushed the 2 together. I felt like I was at summer camp or something, haha. It was quite sad. 2 double beds in this small 1 bedroom apartment. I'd frequently roll over and try and push him out of HIS bed. Needless to say, since he's left, i've gotten much better sleeps :)
and im getting better sleep now that im not sharing a bed either. but just for the damn record he's the 1 that couldnt share the bed. or anything. cos he sucks. bastard.
:D
~*~Zsa
i love your post :) How inspiring!
~Claire
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