If he still loves me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
If he still loves me...
4
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:46pm
I have never written on a message board, that is always something my fiance has done. I love him, I have loved him since he was my best friend 7 1/2 years ago. I have never wanted anything other than him. I have been planning our wedding since he proposed last September. We had spent 6 months apart living in other states and he moved back 2 months before he popped the question. I had missed him so much and I felt like finally everything was the way it was supposed to be. I picked up my wedding dress last Friday. I think of trying it on and how happy I was. Last night he springs a "I don't know if this is what I really want" on me. I was heartbroken. If he breaks up with me, he wants to live in Japan. He still says he loves me, and that it is killing him to hurt me like this. He wants time to think about it. To think about what he really wants. Me or Japan. He has said things like I will pay for half of your dress and I don't want him to. I don't want to sell it. I wanted to where that dress and be around all the people I love and have a champagne toast and dance to "Unforgettable" on our wedding day. I wanted children and I wanted to be his wife. I have been working really hard and I have finally saved enough money to buy us all the things I've wanted. We can afford a little three bedroom house and nice furniture. I want him to come home from work and cook him meals and lay on couch with him and rub his back and watch tv. I want to surprise him with his favorite cake every now and then and rent the cheesy samurai films he loves. I just never imagined that not being allowed to make the effort would hurt this bad. I have been in love with him so long. I don't know how to not love him. I have not gotten mad at him, but he has instead held me while I sobbed and he says he doesn't know what he wants. I know this could be cold feet, but in all honesty, in the six months we've been engaged, this is the second time he's done this. He is now worried that maybe he doesn't love me as much as he should to marry me. I just don't want him to leave. I love him. I gave him my heart and I don't want it back. I never gave him a thing I ever intended him not to keep. He has been my rock so many times. I have always counted on him to just be there for me, and without him, I don't know who I will turn to. I won't know how to tell people the wedding is off. I won't know how to tell my parents that the wedding I was so excited about and so sure of won't be happening. I just don't know how to feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 1:21am

Hi

I'm sorry to hear you're having problems. I think I can relate a bit...

Its probably a little crazy of me to say this being that I dont know you and I dont really know your situation. But Im going to go out on a limb and tell you exactly step by step what I think you should do and tell you what I wish someone had told me 7 months ago when my fiance left me and moved far away:

If you are willing to go with him to Japan - tell him that. Tell him once, calmly that you want to work things out and you think the two of you can have it all. Then back off - give him all the space he needs. Don't pressure him, don't cry in front of him. Keep your cool and be graceful in all your conversations and interactions from now on. Tell him what you want - then release him. Don't ever beg, don't ever pressure him.

If you can do this, I would be very surprised if he didn't come change his mind once again and marry you - but whatever happens you come out on top.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 1:47am
Im sooo sorry that you have to go throough this. Honestly if i was you i would tell him how i felt. i would tell him that i wanted to take care of him and do all the things that you said wanted to do. Then tell him to think about it. to take as long as he needed and that when he was ready you will be there with open arms to love and honor him. If he trully loves you he will come back. Try to give him his space while he thinks. Dont push him to make a decision it will just push him away. I dont have personal experience with this and i dont exactly know how you feel i dont think anyone does. So hopefully my advice can be of some use. From the outside this is the what i think is the best but to actually make the right choice you have to use your heart. Good luck. i hope you are both happy in the end.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 8:23am
It is just so hard to stay away. I know I should give him his space, but I fall into the same routine because the further he pushes me away, the tighter I want to hang on. It just feels like I'm losing everything I've ever wanted in life. I don't know why he doesn't love this relationship as much as I do. He tells me that I am his best friend and his lover and his fiance and that I give him this feeling of comfort and security and he can always count on me to make him happy. He still says he loves me more than anyone else in the world, anyone else he's ever known. I don't see how a person can leave that. It just hurts so much. I have spent the last six months doing evrything to get this wedding going. I know we are a great couple. He has always known how to make me smile. I think he doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of me. I hold my self to very high standards and I think he's afraid of dissapointing me. I love him, and never in our life together has he disappointed me. I love him, I will try to give him his space, but I think on Friday night we are going out, I asked him to go ice skating and to a nice fondue restaurant with me. I just want to have a nice night together where we share each others food and we cuddle next to each other in the cold. God, if it is our last night together, I don't have a clue how to move on. I hope he loves me enough. I will keep you posted. If you want to see what an amazing couple we make, you can look at our wedding website. http://www.mywedding.com/mattmandy/
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 5:05pm
Good luck!!!