AS IF i am back...!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
AS IF i am back...!!
2
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 8:30pm

okkaaayyyy....i have a feeling this is gonna be a long post - so please be prepared and stick with me! im terribly sorry - but please be patient...

i havent been to ivillage in a couple months now - i havent felt the need to...because (a) i started to move on and didnt feel like i had to anymore, and because (b)i recently started dating my ex again! (YES - I KNOW, I KNOW..i can just hear all the sighs and tsk-tsks) ..as i return to this site though, i have decided, however - to change from the "mending broken hearts" message board, to "breaking up is hard to do." and as well, i posted a quick panic message the other night in "should i stay or should i go?" =P its nice btw, to see some familiar "faces" :)

so heres the story - ...
my ex and i began as friends last year, but right away - fell into something definately special..we clicked, bonded, laughed, related to each other - and basically, there was just something that drew us very closely together. however, at some point in the relationship (and its almost like the BEP song "shut up") - we began fighting. it was mostly over useless issues that if we were smarter - should have just risen above. however, we fought and fought and eventually - one week before my birthday in may, we had our last fight and he told me that "he didnt see an end to our fighting" and that "he doesnt care to fix it anymore." and from there, began one of the longest and most difficult process i have ever had to endure. for months, i did not know how not to cry. i didnt sleep; every morning i would wake up with him on my mind before my eyes even opened. it was just gruelling pain and lots of tears. we had remained "friends" for a couple months after the breakup, but by the end of the summer - i couldnt take it anymore and i did NC.

then, forutnately - there came a point when i actually began to feel better. while i missed him and thought about him and still loved him - i stopped bawling. i learnt to breathe again and my healing process was slowly taking its course. since our breakup, i have dated 4 guys (and some regretfully) - but nothing came out of any of those attempts. he too dated someone for about 3-4 months. from what i understand, they were serious for that time, but (fortunately) it fell through by this past christmas.

in november, he sent me some emails - at which then i wrote back, but quickly severed the communication chain. he wrote to me again in december (prior to his breakup) and again, i didnt keep it up. however, then came january when he text messaged me...at which then, i decided to reply. at that time, i thought that id quickly wish him a "happy new years" back and just leave it be once more. however, for whatever reason it was - that one text message turned into a whole days worth, and that turned into weeks of (very expensive) text messaging. then, we started occasionally calling one another, and from there - went for coffees and dinners on the occasion. by feburary-we were growing immensely close again, and before i knew it - we were dating once more.

stupid idea? i dont know. big mistake? perhaps. i was freaking out this whole entire time and i was SOOOO concerned about what it was that i was getting myself into. ive already been broken hearted by him, and i was incredibly worried that i would get burnt once more. however, like my best friend said to me: "despite your fight and attempts to repel him...because he is capable of making you THAT happy, and because the two of you DO have POTENTIAL - its almost better that you try it again so that you KNOW, rather than run and REGRET." and so, for that reason - and mostly the fact that i just couldnt say no and because i really was that secretly elated - i stuck around.

in the last few weeks, we have grown sooo close again. we spend an insane amount of time together - probably about 5-6 days out of a week. we laugh, we're comfortable, and we havent fought once. we have managed to rediscover all the things that we used to once love about the other. we'll do little nice things for one another, and just enjoy each other's company. everything has been fine - i was even over at his parents for dinner on sunday! and when he went to bed that night, he sent me a text message saying: "thanks so much for having dinner with me and my folks." it was so sweet!

however, everything wasnt all THAT glorious and at this moment, we are over once more. this is what happened...

since our reunion, i have been worrying myself sick. im so afraid of getting hurt that i felt it necessary to not allow myself be compeltely happy, and pretty much analyze everything from pessimistic lens. i took everything extremely sensitively - and at the smallest thing (no matter how insignificant) -id feel uspet and be ready to bolt. for example - if he did something nice for me, id appreciate it for the moment, but then quickly throw it away. if he so much as didnt respond to me the way i would have wanted to, i thought in my head that he didnt care. this was extremely destructive of me, but - i didnt know how to completely trust "us" again - i just didnt want to get hurt. so, it was an emotional roller coaster for me, but i never really shared this with him..

we had only talked about "us" once - and at that point in time, we both agreed that we still have feelings for one another but that we would take it slow as we were both afraid. but, despite that "talk" and despite our great times together and his nice and meaningful ways - i was just in constant doubt and worry... then came this past monday when all of that tension in me just blew up and i "freaked" on him. all of a sudden, i laid it down on him, made it difficult, and just crumbled.

the conversation was difficult at first, but eventually - by the end of the conversation, i got the affirmation i needed and for the first time ever, i felt ready to let my walls down. he assured me of his feelings, and shared with me the little things that he appreciates about my being...we talked about my insecurities about his last gf (and even though he disagreed with them) - we worked it out. i was SO happy. i finally felt like i can trust, and that i could just let go of my fears.

then, the next day - he didnt call me. at first, i wasnt worried but then, by the end of the night - i was a wreck. he knew that i had an interview today, and it was the first time since we hadnt talked in a day - and i felt something wrong in the pit of my stomach. then yesterday (weds) - he still hadnt called me... and when he was online on messenger, i messaged him. our conversation went something like:

"hey stranger / hey, how have you been, how was your interview / good - i got the job, where have you been? / ive been really busy with work and my new contracts / how are they? / good...so, have you been thinking about us? / huh? what do you mean?? / well, we havent spoken / ok, but what am i supposed to think? what are you thinking?? / lol, ive been too busy to think actually / what are you talking about? / i have to focus on this project that im working on right now, can we talk later? / um, ok, have fun with it." and that was that...

but then, i sat there, crying and flipping out by now - so i called him. i asked him what was going on and he ended up telling me that monday nights conversation freaked him out. he told me that the conversation reminded him of why we broke up and why we cannot work out and now he doesnt know how he feels. he told me that he felt as though i was trying to stir a fight with him again and that he cant go down that road once more. i then explained to him that i was sorry for not have handled the situation better. i explained that i didnt mean to rouse up our old troubles but that i was sooo insecure and scared and that i need concrete affirmation from him. at which point then, he said to me: "maybe youre not ready for a relationship." and i replied : "dont use that against me." and he replied: "maybe i just dont want that relationship again. monday just made me think that it wont change. i dont know what to say, i need time to think." i let him go, and that was that.

i feel really odd right now. im SOOOO sad. at first, i freaked out last night and just bawled and bawled. i took a long jog and long drive last night, and the odd thing is - somewhere along the night - something clicked in me. i feel like this entire breakup - is unnecessary. i am frustrated by the fact that he can tell me that my worries will turn into a self fulfiling prophecies...but ironically, he actually just made his own fears come true ... and i feel like, while i am sincerely sorry for having been difficult with him on monday - at the same time, why cant he understand why?? he told me on monday that i should just: "have faith in him," and "just enjoy ourselves," and "stop worrying and just trust" ... but, CMON! - he BROKE MY HEART last year - how the hec can i "just enjoy and relax"!?!??!?!

i feel sad right now, but not in the heartbreak way as last time. i feel like, this time around - while im just so sincerely down, at the same time - the absurdness of this situation is making me so angry that i can barely muster up enough tears. i feel like shaking him...

i sent him a long two page letter this morning explaining that i was sorry for having mishandled my emotions on monday, but then explained to him how i felt insecure and just wanted to know that i could trust him. i told him in my letter that i think he's unfair in the sense that he can tell me not to worry, but then he worries himself and destructs us. i told him that i adored him, and that i am willing to re-evaluate our position with one another in an open, honest and dedicated manner...however, i also told him that i am not willing to self destruct, toy around, stupidly annihilate our relationship and just go down with him that way. i explained that i am willing to put in the effort, but that i refuse to do it alone...

even though it didnt seem like a final breakup - im pretty sure its over, over. i know the way he is - once something triggers him into a mindframe, no matter how right or wrong - he cant move past it. i havent heard back from him, and i dont know if i expect to or not. ive decided that if he has nothing constructive or positive to say to me - then i never want to talk to him again. oddly, unlike our last break - i see no need in "closure" or "talking it out" or "maintaining a friendship."

he means the world to me - more so than i think he can ever appreciate. i think he is sooo lucky to have someone admire him the way that i do. for whatever reason it is, him and i have a special connection - and its evident in everything that we do together. i moved on from him before, and despite common sense - gave it another go. maybe i shouldnt have?? i dont know...

what are your opinions on my situation?? what is your advice?? what should i do? any input would be greatly appreciated

:(
eeksj.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 03-17-2005 - 9:54pm
Welcome back...even though I wish you had no need for the board...
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 3:45pm
I'm not sure if this helps at all, but I feel that I can relate to your situation right now, but from the opposite point of view. I just started dating someone again that I broke his heart last year because I was in love with my ex. I didn't want to hurt him, but He fell hard for me, and I just wasn't moving on well and falling for him like I had wanted. Well many months of getting over the ex, this guy calls again and we start hanging out. I thought I would give it another go and really try this time, since he cared so much about me, and I knew he was a really nice guy. Well it's been a month and at first everything was good, but he has so many insecurities. He's jealous and worried all the time about getting hurt and putting himself out there with his heart. I've tried to comfort him and show affection and assure him that we are just fine and going to just go slow. But at the same time, he's worrying so much that it's getting annoying. If I don't answer the phone because I am out, he immediately thinks I'm being distant and runs over and we have to discuss it. I didn't get a chance to email him one day and he was so worried and says i'm not putting in any effort. Geez, one dang email? I got busy at work you know? Anyway, I want to see how things go, but he's got to relax and trust me. I can't promise him forever, and keep reassuring him daily that I will love him. I'm ready to throw my hands up......
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, (I sorta wish my ex from a year ago would have wanted to try again, knowing what I know now, that I could keep it going this time)
But, inesecurity got me last time, and probably would too because my heart was so deep involved with ex. It's human to worry and try to hold on when you've lost it before. So telling you another side probably doesn't help but what he was saying was partially true. Maybe his feelings aren't quite as deep as yours so he didn't worry as much about it falling apart, he was just enjoying the time with you and to see where it would go (but with not much investment of his heart yet). I'm so sorry and hope I"m wrong. good luck to you