If I dont....i guess he wont.....NC
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If I dont....i guess he wont.....NC
| Thu, 04-27-2006 - 7:49am |
No contact or contact....this is the one thing that i am struggling with....
It will be 4 weeks tomorrow since we broke up. The first week and a half he refused to answer any calls/messages. In the meantime i had to go round during the day, pack my stuff and move into a new flat.
Since, he's been to see me. About 3 times (usually because of something i initiated like:'bring my post round'...'i'm alone in the flat tonight'....stuff like that!) Yes, the first time we ended up sleeping together again, surprise, surprise.
He seems to respond now to my calls and messages. Seems he's not worried about giving me 'false hope' anymore i think, as i haven't discussed any issues, getting back together, etc. Monday night he came round (again...something i initiated on Sunday via text, but HE was the one who replied that he would come round Monday) and he was SO affectionate. I was 'normal'...no touching, just sitting, watching TV. I couldn't believe it was the same guy. Yet, the next night he couldn't wait for me to get off the phone to him.
This is my dilemma:
If i stop making contact completely, there is a VERY big chance that he will too. I've been initiating most of the contact. It's been nice for him to talk, have a chat and a cuddle now and then whilst i'm the one initiating it. So i guess that will stop all together? We will have absolutely no contact. Is that the way it's suppose to be? I keep on wanting to text him or call when i think of something funny/interesting to tell him. We thought me grandma wasn't going to make it yesterday, so yes, by default i wanted to ring (but i didn't). I'm scared that if i stop making contact completely (i don't feel like i can!) he won't come to me either. We live 15mins away from each other now...but we'll be like strangers.....and that makes me so so sad....
I am accepting that it is trully over. But i wonder every day and every night how he is. Does he still love me? It's like even though i've accepted it and i KNOW that we're not right for each other it still comforts me to know that there's someone out there in this big world that loves me like that.
I'm turning 30 soon, have a good job and wonderful friends, but no boyfriend/potential husband....and the thought of living the next few years like that terrifies me!!!
That's why i'm so scared to stop making contact i guess....
It will be 4 weeks tomorrow since we broke up. The first week and a half he refused to answer any calls/messages. In the meantime i had to go round during the day, pack my stuff and move into a new flat.
Since, he's been to see me. About 3 times (usually because of something i initiated like:'bring my post round'...'i'm alone in the flat tonight'....stuff like that!) Yes, the first time we ended up sleeping together again, surprise, surprise.
He seems to respond now to my calls and messages. Seems he's not worried about giving me 'false hope' anymore i think, as i haven't discussed any issues, getting back together, etc. Monday night he came round (again...something i initiated on Sunday via text, but HE was the one who replied that he would come round Monday) and he was SO affectionate. I was 'normal'...no touching, just sitting, watching TV. I couldn't believe it was the same guy. Yet, the next night he couldn't wait for me to get off the phone to him.
This is my dilemma:
If i stop making contact completely, there is a VERY big chance that he will too. I've been initiating most of the contact. It's been nice for him to talk, have a chat and a cuddle now and then whilst i'm the one initiating it. So i guess that will stop all together? We will have absolutely no contact. Is that the way it's suppose to be? I keep on wanting to text him or call when i think of something funny/interesting to tell him. We thought me grandma wasn't going to make it yesterday, so yes, by default i wanted to ring (but i didn't). I'm scared that if i stop making contact completely (i don't feel like i can!) he won't come to me either. We live 15mins away from each other now...but we'll be like strangers.....and that makes me so so sad....
I am accepting that it is trully over. But i wonder every day and every night how he is. Does he still love me? It's like even though i've accepted it and i KNOW that we're not right for each other it still comforts me to know that there's someone out there in this big world that loves me like that.
I'm turning 30 soon, have a good job and wonderful friends, but no boyfriend/potential husband....and the thought of living the next few years like that terrifies me!!!
That's why i'm so scared to stop making contact i guess....

It's natural to feel scared to let go... that's probably why we're all here pouring out our hearts on this board. The process sucks! But if you think he won't contact you on his own once you stop, then realize he's not putting in the effort you want or need in a relationship.
Keeping contact with him is like a quick 'fix'; it makes you feel good for the time being, but bad afterwards. The only way out of this on again/off again cycle with him is no contact, unfortunately. It's the only resolution. But there's lots of us on here that have done it and can tell you they feel better down the road. The ones who have had a phone call, email, text, etc. during this period usually end up feeling like it was a setback in their healing.
I know how you feel in regards to turning 30 (I'm 31), having good job, friends, place of my own, etc. and yet there's something missing- I think it's just a part of life, a part of learning to live and be happy with yourself and not dependent on a guy. (or something like that!) No one wants to be lonely, but you will survive if you cut off contact! Life won't end :)
It's funny how you KNOW what the right thing is to do...yet can't bring yourself to do it. I even trully know in my heart that the way me and him are in terms of what we want right now is different so i should be HAPPY in a way that it has come to an end...
This way the healing can start and hopefully in time I will meet someone more suitable for me. And yet, it doesn't stop the heartache.
If we knew for a fact we would meet someone 'greater' than our exes...maybe in a month? Year? 2 years? would the hearache for our current situation stop?
A friend of mine went to a Reiki-teacher who told her that i would meet someone through her...bit older than my ex. He would love me more than anything in the world. She also said that my ex would come back to me (i'm assuming at this point when it will be too late). So i'm wondering....is it the uncertainty of not knowing if you will EVER be with someone again holding us back? You're right about one thing: WE should make ourselves happy, be a whole person and NOT rely on anyone to do it for us. On the flip side: i love being with someone...giving love to someone and making them feel special...so it saddens me when i am single for 7 years like i was before....
i'm hoping and praying.....
Oh yes, I think instinct tells us the right thing to do, yet we either ignore it or hope for the best, whatever. It's almost like our instinct is what our friends would tell us from the "outside" looking at our situation. Or what you'd tell a friend in your shoes. Somehow it's not as clear when you're in it.
You and I both know the relationships are over for a reason and yes, should be thankful in some way. I don't know why the heartache doesn't go out the window along with it ;) It's part of this glorious journey! ugh!
To answer your question about heartache/current situation stop if we knew something better was down the line.... I don't know. I don't think it would because we're human and you grieve the loss of whatever you had. Even though I know my ex was bad, he cheated and lied to me, I still miss him and miss what we did have. (crazy, isn't it?) I think it is the uncertainty of not knowing when the next time you'll feel that way again.
Sometimes I remember this though, when you think there will never be another again, someone once mentioned: "there are a lot of people out there to love". True! But finding the right one you are attracted to and want to make a connection with is tough.
hi rockchick
dont be such a negative thinker!!!! well all you mention will happen if you stick with this guy you will lose the Opportunity of finding the right man for you...do you understand that...isnt it will MAKE YOU FEEL better more if this guy one initiating all the move and do all those phone calls..
remember his not the only guy in the world so dont be fool...the more you think that way nothing going to happen to you...OFCOURSE YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY RIGHT AND YOU WANT A MAN THAT DO SAME THING LIKE YOU TREAT THEM.
WELL THIS IS ALL UP TO YOU...LIFE IS TOO SHORT...SO ITS BETTER TO ENJOY IT!!
ACTUALLY IF YOU BE AROUND HIM STILL...HE WILL NEVER SEE YOUR VALUE TO HIM AND THIS IS THE ONLY WAY FOR HIM TO REALIZE THAT HE NEED YOU AND HIS TOTALLY WRONG THAT HIS NOT COMMITTED TO YOU ANYMORE....LET HIM SEE THIS!
I REALLY WISH YOU GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU DEAR!!!
This morning i'm fighting a loosing battle in my mind...but i'm trying to remember what you said about meeting someone else. I know the timing is off, but heck, i just wish someone would come into my life, be Super Dooper nice to me and make me feel like the ex is NOT the only man in the world. BUT i already know this too...it shouldn't take a man to make us feel good or better about ourselves! I guess that's a lesson i can learn from him...he didn't need me to make him feel good...so why now that i'm not in his life will he sit in the corner and cry? No chance!!!
Aw sweetie, just a few things for you.
I just want to say thank you very very much for your kind words of wisdom!
Today, this morning, i am ready to hear those words.
I made the fatal mistake on Friday to 'snoop' on his e-mails and turns out that some girl booked some flights for him for this weekend just gone to visit...which is where he was working for 3 weeks just before he came back and we broke up. I naturally assume the worse...he cheated, is with her now, doesn't give a toss even MORE and ended up texting him the weekend that i love him so much and he should be with me (cringe! cringe! cringe!) HOWEVER...through all this turmoil and stooping down to his level i HAVE made a decision that enough is enough.
Its like you say: he's the one who broke up and he is STILL the one getting all the attention...well, no more....I feel happy today within myself (still a bit sad), but happy that i am trully ready to have heard the words you send me...so thank you !!!!
I am trully sorry to hear that your heart is broken too...but i have to say: you certainly sound like one strong fine woman and i'm SURE that you will practise what you preach and in NO time you will be (like me, hopefully) back in the world, doing the things we love and just being the best we can be!!!!
Good luck on your side too...may your heartache subside with each sunrise and sunset!!!
Sonja
you and i are in the same exact boat. for my ex and i it's going on 2.5 months and it still hurts but it is getting better everyday. we decided no contact for a month and that month has been over for a week and we still haven't communicated...as hard as this is to do i am not going to call him...he did this...at 34yrs old he is that one with issues to figure out...i did all i could to make this work because i believed in us. i am going to be 29 in a month and i feel the same as you...the clock is ticking especially when you just spent time with this person to have it not turn out in the end. i feel like my investment did not pay off and that is just hard to swallow. i wonder all the time does he miss me, does he think of me, what is he doing, who is he with...i think this is normal. eventually our hearts will let them go and we will be fine...better than fine. don't be afraid that you will be alone until that "right" person comes along...be excited because you know there is someone out there that will love you as much as you love them. isn't that just an awesome feeling? stay strong and walk away from something you'd be settling for...too many people settle...don't be one of them. want more because you deserve more.
best of luck!!!
I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation too...don't you just wish that you could forward the clock to a few months into the future? When your brain doesn't think about this the moment you open your eyes, your heart doesn't jolt when you hear or see something that you shared as a couple but can't anymore?
I know in my heart that what you are saying is true...we DO deserve people who will love us JUST as much as we love them. EVEN more....but alas, this is the hard thing to do.
Because we don't know. Don't know when this will happen. And in my experience, as soon as i'm looking for it, it runs even further away! SO; i've decided and hopefully you have too...take one day at a time. Find happiness in yourself. Don't LOOK for another person to fill this void straight away (unless you're really lucky that it turns out he is NOT a rebound!). Funny how men seem like they can just hop into another relationship and it doesn't seem like they have any 'issues' to deal with even if they still love and care for you!
Hey, by the end of this week i might even stop checking my phone (even though its right NEXT to me) just for incase he send me a message! NO, he is unlikely too send anything because he has nothing to say! (well, in my case in anyway).
Well done for not contacting him, you are a stronger woman than i am. But i hope that (since it's only been 3 days) i can say the same to someone in a month's time!!!
I wish you ALL the best....
Sonja